There You'll Be
by Montana-Rosalie
Summary: Emma doesn't date pilots. Everything changes when she meets Killian.
1. Cocky Flyboys

**Here we go, another angsty story coming your way to tide you over until the show returns. It's going to be a Pearl Harbor AU, with brief Gremma in later chapters (if you've seen the movie, you'll know what happens, if not, I assure you that this is a CS story through and through), and I hope you're going to enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. As always, I owe so much to Adriane (emmaaswaan tumblr) who gives me inspiration, unvawering support, ideas and gentle nudges in the right direction, so thank you, baby panda. Enjoy! P.S. You can expect the new chapter on Tuesday.**

* * *

It's not even noon yet and US Navy Nurse Lieutenant Emma Swan had already seen enough men in their underwear to last her a lifetime. She had taken their blood and blood pressure, checked their eyesight and hearing, and then, to top it off, stuck needles in their butts, which made most of them behave like babies, all their bravado quickly replaced with grunts of pain.

It's not that she can't be gentle, but a part of her wants to scream her head off at them for being so damn stupid to volunteer for duty, to volunteer to be pilots with the war looming ahead, threatening to swallow most, if not all of them. Maybe she thinks that if she pokes them mercilessly, they are going to reconsider, and she won't end up nursing them to relative health when they return home broken.

"Lighten up, Em, they aren't dead yet", Ruby whispers to her as she passes by carrying a tray with blood samples, and Emma focuses her attention back to the task at hand.

"Next", she calls out and doesn't even look up from the table, hand outstretched for her next victim's file.

"Good day, ma'm", a deep, accented voice says and she looks up in spite of herself, her eyes meeting the bluest blue she'd ever seen.

Her heart sinks, and she doesn't return his half-smile, ignoring her own curiosity as to what is an Englishman doing here.

"Drop your skivvies", she demands and gets up to prepare his shot, her eyes drawn to his file even as she tries not to look.

His name is Killian Jones, he's an Army Air Force Lieutenant, and he's got a really cute butt.

Emma presses her lips into a thin line and pokes him with the needle in a really cruel fashion.

"Bloody Hell", he exclaims and rests his cheek against the cool metal of the medicine cabinet he's leaning over, swaying a little when she pulls the needle out and throws it in the trash.

"Sorry", Emma says and presses a cotton pad drenched in alcohol on the puncture mark.

"I thought nurses were supposed to be gentle", he grunts, turning his head to look at her accusingly over his shoulder.

"Must've missed that class", Emma says and hesitates in returning to her table when she notices that he looks horribly pale all of a sudden. "Do you feel alright?"

"Yeah, absolutely wonderful", he says, then promptly faints and ends up sprawled on the floor at her feet.

"What did you do to him?!" Belle exclaims from across the way and Emma shrugs, runs a gauze under the cold water and kneels next to her delicate pilot to press it against his brow.

And since when is he hers?

"Come on, flyboy, wake up", she says and slaps his smooth cheek as lightly as she can, feeling a bit guilty for being so insensitive earlier.

Slowly, his dark, thick and unfairly long eyelashes flutter open and he lies there staring at her with a horrified look on his face.

"Am I grounded?" He asks, his voice breaking, his hand reaching for her arm and gripping her wrist with bruising strength.

"What? No, you're fine, you just fainted", Emma says, struggling to get her arm free. "Let go of me!"

"You can't put it in my file", he hisses, sitting up so fast that it startles her and laying both his hands on her shoulders. "Please, don't let them take my wings away."

"Nobody's taking your wings", Emma says and wraps her fingers around his wrists, finally freeing herself and standing up. "It was my fault you fainted anyway."

Killian releases a heavy sigh and levers himself to his feet, and her arms shoot out to his waist, steadying him when he sways again.

"Here, sit down for a bit", she says and pushes him into the closest chair, which happens to be her own.

"Tell me, lass, what did you do to end up here today?" Killian asks her, and her eyebrows shoot up as she crosses her arms in front of her chest defensively. "The way you're going about your job, one would think it's punishment."

"I love my job", Emma answers and lifts her chin defiantly, feigning annoyance even though she's deeply relieved that the color is starting to return to his cheeks.

"You just hate the pilots", he notes, those ocean eyes of his making her want to squirm.

"I don't hate the pilots", she says softly and leans against the edge of her desk even though she can tell just by looking at him that he's trouble and that she should kick him out right now.

Killian is looking at her carefully and she stares at her shoes, fighting the urge to explain herself, to tell him all her secrets even though it's not the time or the place, even though she doesn't know him at all, even though she had sworn she would never get involved with a pilot.

"No, you don't hate us. If anything, you care too much about what might happen to us", he concedes, his voice like velvet, like a whispered promise that he would understand, a promise she had never asked for and shouldn't believe in.

"How did you know?"

And yet she can't help but believe, can't help looking up to meet his calm gaze and wish she could get to know him better.

"You're something of an open book", he tells her and a smile stretches her lips because it's just impossible to resist him, and what's worse, she's losing the will to try.

"Am I?"

"Yes", he says simply and leans closer, his elbow resting on her desk. "Don't worry, love, nothing is going to happen to me."

Emma shoots up and turns her back on him, opening the curtain separating her cubicle from the hallway and waving her hand for him to go.

"Eat something as soon as possible", she says curtly and steps aside when he gets up from her chair and takes his file from her desk.

"As you wish", he tells her and squeezes past her on his way out, the smell of his aftershave washing over her and making her just a little light headed.

Killian winks at her and saunters off, and Emma returns into her cubicle, standing in the middle of it for a long moment, breathing deeply and praying that he hadn't just sealed his fate with that vow he'd given her.

* * *

"Em! We need to switch stations, come on", Ruby says and points toward the other end of the room, gleefully eying the long line of pilots still waiting to get their shots. "Time for me to pick myself a new beau."

"Only you could get excited about this post", Emma says and leaves Ruby to it, walking past doctors and other nurses and trying not to search for Killian's dark hair and piercing blue eyes in a sea of clean-cut airmen.

It's better if she never sees him again, because then she won't have to worry about not letting him get under her skin.

Ten minutes later, he's standing in front of her table again, folding and unfolding his file and giving her a cheeky grin.

"We meet again, Swan", he says and she glares at him, vowing to kill Ruby because she's always meddling like this, telling random guys Emma's name and even giving them her phone number no matter how many times Emma tells her that she won't ever date a pilot.

"File, please", Emma says and snatches it from him, then points at the poster behind her back. "Read the letters."

"Yes, ma'm", Killian gives her a mock salute and rattles the sequence so quickly she gets a little suspicious that he'd learned it by heart beforehand, since it's been known to happen.

"Slow down, flyboy. Read the third line, from right to left, every other letter", she says and he gives her an amused smile before doing exactly that.

Emma ticks a few boxes in his file and hands it back to him, then motions for the next pilot to step forward.

"Hold on, Humbert, I'm not done here", Killian says and Emma rolls her eyes, already knowing what he's going to say. "Let me take you out tonight."

And there it is, a cocky pilot doing exactly what's expected of him, but the thing is, there's more to this one than meets the eye, and Emma is tempted to give in, but only until she remembers what's waiting for her at home, and whose fault it is.

"I don't date pilots", she says firmly, and she hopes it doesn't sound like she's trying to convince both him and herself.

"Maybe you should try, at least once", he tells her, and it's astonishing how the background noise in the room dies down when he turns on his charm like this.

"I don't think so", she tells him, but she finds herself wishing that he won't give up on her as easily as all the men before him did.

"Very well", he says and Emma feels a pang of disappointment when he takes a step back, motioning for his friend to go forward. "But you should know one thing about me… I love a challenge."

And with one last breathtakingly beautiful smile aimed right at her he walks away, and she has to force herself to stop watching him go and focus her attention on the next pilot she's supposed to exam.

"Okay, Lieutenant Humbert, read the fifth line."

* * *

Emma climbs the long and winding staircase to the apartment she'd been living in with her mother for the last couple of years, sighing when she unlocks the door and steps over the threshold.

"Mom, I'm home!" She calls and starts turning on the lights as she goes, finding her meal on the stove in the kitchen, ready to be warmed up.

Mary Margaret appears in the doorway like a ghost, slowly walking across the kitchen and sitting in a chair at the table while Emma busies herself with dinner.

"How was work?" Her mother asks and Emma shrugs, lowering the fire and stepping into their tiny living room to change out of her nurse's outfit; it's a relief to be home and be able to release her hair from its tight bun and let it fall around her shoulders in heavy waves. "Ruby still trying to find you a date?"

"You know her", Emma says and avoids looking at the wall that's covered with pictures of her father, tall and young and beautiful in his uniform, standing next to his plane or kissing her mother on the day they'd gotten married.

It hurts too much to look at them because he got killed in action three months after the last one was taken and four months before she was born.

"There are good sides to dating a pilot", Mary Margaret says when Emma sits at the table and she pauses with the spoon half-way to her mouth.

"What?"

Mary Margaret smiles, and for a moment she looks young again, happy and careless the way she was in the pictures from so long ago.

"David got to show me amazing things because of his uniform; his rank really opened doors for him", she says wistfully, her smile dying as quickly as it had appeared, her eyes filling with tears; she ducks her head and starts turning her wedding ring round and round on her finger.

"You always told me not to marry a pilot", Emma says and puts her spoon down, suddenly not hungry at all.

"I did, but I never said you should close yourself off from the world and not have fun with one", Mary Margaret says and gives her an apologetic smile.

"Have fun but not fall in love, you mean?" Emma says, her voice harsher than she had intended; she doesn't know what's gotten into her mother, but she doesn't like it at all.

"I just don't want you to end up alone", Mary Margaret says quietly and Emma starts eating again to buy time.

"There are other men out there that aren't pilots", Emma says after a while, and Mary Margaret gives her a smile that tells her she's not fooling anybody.

"There are, but unless those stuffy, old, very married doctors you're working with suddenly get young and free, your choices are limited", Mary Margaret says and covers Emma's hand with hers in a very uncommon display of affection.

"I'm fine on my own", Emma tells her firmly and goes to wash her plate, putting a stop to the conversation concerning her love life.

Maybe her mother is right, but the trouble is, she's not sure she's capable of keeping her heart protected and just having fun.

Especially not if she says yes to a certain blue-eyed devil she already can't stop thinking about after spending just a few minutes in his company.

The world might be at war before the year ends, and now is not the time to think about romance.

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	2. A Night in New York City

**I don't even know how to thank all of you who put this story on follow after just one chapter; your faith in me makes me feel all ghfjgfkgkfkgk, and I sincerely hope I won't let you down. Thanks for all the wonderful feedback, and enjoy! P.S. You can expect the next chapter on Thursday (even though the fic is one chapter short of being finished, I'm a little busy with work, so updates won't be every day for a while yet), and as always, there's going to be a happy ending.**

* * *

On Friday afternoon Ruby breezes into Emma's apartment with Belle, Ashley, Ariel and Kathryn in tow, and she just won't take no for an answer.

"We are going to take the train to New York and spend the night dancing with some very handsome pilots, and you are coming with us", Ruby says and Emma has to admit defeat when her own heartbroken mother tells her that she needs to go out before she turns into a spinster.

Emma thinks that being a spinster is better than spending most of your life focusing on grief when you should be taking care of your only daughter, but she keeps that to herself.

Ashley holds out a gorgeous red dress for Emma to take, and as she puts it on, Emma finds herself imagining Killian's reaction when he sees her in it even though she's got no way of knowing if he's going to be there:

Not to mention the fact that she is _not_ dating pilots.

Ever.

"Don't forget the lipstick", Ariel exclaims after she finishes putting the eyeliner on and Emma fights the urge to roll her eyes because she hadn't left the house without the red lipstick in years.

"You all look lovely", Mary Margaret says when the six of them start to file out of the apartment and Emma can't help being pleased with the attention her mother is finally giving her.

"Thanks, Mom. Don't wait up", Emma tells her and kisses her cheek in passing, and then runs downstairs to catch her friends, following the cloud of perfume and giggles.

* * *

The first thing Emma notices when they leave their coats in the dressing room and enter the club is that the place is crawling with men in uniform, and not just Air Force ones, but Emma is craning her head in search only of Killian.

Once she realizes what she's doing, she stops abruptly and follows Ruby to an unoccupied table, vowing to go dancing with the first guy that asks her as long as he's not a pilot.

The first guy that asks her is Killian.

He separates from a crowd at the edge of the dance floor and actually bows to her, taking her hand in his and brushing his lips against her knuckles.

"Would the lady give me the honor of sharing the next dance?" He asks and looks at her in a way that makes her cheeks flush, but despite her bow she pulls her hand away and reaches for her drink.

"I'm not dating pilots", she says, well aware that she sounds exactly like a broken record.

"I asked you to dance, not to date me", he says, amusement coloring his voice as he leans against a pillar next to her chair, obviously intending to stay there and keep bugging her until she gives in.

"You really don't know how to take no for an answer, do you?" She asks, and it's a complete accident that it comes out flirty instead of pissed off.

"Not since I met you", he says and gives her an almost shy smile that makes him look entirely too young to be in training for going to war.

Emma sets her glass down and pushes it away before she drinks too much and ends up doing something stupid, something like dancing with a tall, dark and handsome Lieutenant that seems to know her too good for comfort already.

Something like dancing with a pilot that is most likely doomed as soon as America joins the war, which seems inevitable at this point.

"Come on, Swan, I might die next week", he says and wiggles his eyebrows at her. "Just one dance."

"Don't say that", Emma snaps and glares daggers up at him.

"I promise not to die if you dance with me", he says and Emma doesn't know if she should slug him or drag him out on the dance floor.

"This is not a date", she tells him and stands up, shivering a little when he takes her hands in his and walks backward until they are surrounded with other couples on all sides.

In all honesty, Emma isn't a terribly good dancer, but Killian makes her spin and move in ways she never did before, and by the time the song ends, she has to admit that she's having fun.

Killian smiles at her, and she tells herself that she should go right _now_, but when the music changes into a smoky, slow jazz song and he pulls her a little bit closer, his palm resting on the small of her back and her right hand safely tucked into his left, she's in no rush to leave his arms.

Somehow, he seems to understand that anything he says is only going to make her run, so he just hums in her ear and sways with her, his hands warm and gentle, his scent reminding her of the ocean and making her relax.

"Thank you", he says softly when the music stops and gives the back of her hand another kiss before he takes a step back, but now that he's letting her go, she doesn't want him to anymore.

"You're welcome", Emma stammers, and her surprise must be written all over her face because he comes back and brushes a lock of hair behind her shoulder.

"You gave me a dance, so I thought I'd better not push my luck tonight", he says and she arches a brow.

"Tonight? I thought you love a challenge."

"I do, but I also know when to let you breathe", Killian says and offers her his arm, gallantly escorting her back to her table when she rests her hand on his forearm.

He's not what she had imagined.

He's better.

* * *

Over the course of the evening Killian brings her a few drinks, completely charms her girlfriends and introduces Ariel to his friend Eric. He doesn't ask Emma for another dance and she realizes that he's really going to give her enough time to adjust to the idea of going out on an actual date with him, which both pleases her and annoys her.

She was done for the second she followed him on that dance floor, and they both know it.

There are double doors leading out on the balcony on the far side of the club and Emma gets up and starts walking toward them, feeling foolish and lightheaded because she's not usually like this; she's never like this, but she's dying to spend some time alone with Killian even against her better judgment.

The door opens and she steps around a couple going in, enjoying the chill of the night on her flushed cheeks, and when she leans on the stone rail of the balcony and looks out over the most magnificent city in the world she lets herself acknowledge how glad she is to be here, and how grateful she is to Ruby for dragging her out the way she did.

Still, she deflates a little when Killian doesn't join her, and since there's nobody else here, Emma decides to head back inside; she turns around and comes face to face with her pilot.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you", he says and she shakes her head, leaning against the rail again and trying not to look too happy to see him.

"I was just catching a breather", she tells him nonchalantly and he braces his hands on the railing next to her, tilting his head and giving her an amused smirk.

"You weren't running from me, then?"

"If I wanted to run from you, you'd never catch me", she tells him boldly and he nods, slowly turning toward her so as not to startle her, her own body gravitating toward his.

"Perhaps. But it wouldn't stop me from trying", he says, and for the first time in her life she understands what her mother had meant when she told her that she'd known within hours of meeting her father that she'd end up marrying him someday.

Emma pulls back abruptly and even steps away from him for good measure, desperately trying to block the images of her mother's tear-streaked face that keep flashing at her when she remembers what had marrying a pilot meant for her, and for Emma after her father was killed in action.

"Lass? Are you alright?" Killian asks her, his hand reaching for her arm to steady her, and Emma nods at first, then shakes her head and keeps backing up.

"I can't do this", she whispers and bites her lip, regret shooting through her as she watches his face fall. "I'm sorry, Killian. I can't date a pilot."

Emma's heart rebels at the notion that this is going to be the one and only time she ever calls him Killian, but she can't risk it.

She can't condemn herself to her mother's fate.

"We're not dating", he says quickly, and she wonders why is he even bothering with somebody like her when he could have any single girl back in that club, and probably most of the taken ones too.

"I'm sorry", she apologizes again and flees the balcony, rushing through the smoke and the crowd in the club to get to her coat and praying that he doesn't follow her this time because she knows she won't be able to keep resisting him.

Luckily, there's a cab waiting out in the street and she slumps in the back seat, already regretting her decision to run.

What she did tonight might protect her heart from eventually shattering, but right now, her heart still feels like it's cracking.

* * *

Emma huddles deeper into her coat and glances at the clock for the hundredth time, cursing herself for following her stupid impulse to run because the next train isn't for another hour and she's freezing on her wooden bench at the station.

The cold is bad, but the fact that she's alone is worse, and she wishes she had just stopped to think and at least made Belle come with her since she's already engaged and she only came for the dancing, and God knows she had already done enough of that by the time Emma left.

The waiting room is empty save for a homeless guy sleeping in the corner, but since he's not bothering her, Emma decides not to worry about him.

Instead, she worries about herself, and where her life is headed.

She worries that she's really going to end up alone and unloved because she was unwilling to take a chance, too frightened by her mother's experience to try and have her own.

Killian probably thinks that she's insane, and she can't help picturing him leaving the club with one of the girls he'd been ignoring earlier because he was too busy trying to woo Emma.

The door of the waiting room opens and Emma gapes in astonishment because Killian is walking in, shaking his head at her even as he gives her a relieved smile.

"Thank God you're okay", he says and after one look at her shrugs off his coat and drapes it around her shoulders before he sits next to her. "You gave your friends quite the scare."

"Sorry", Emma apologizes, feeling an urge to pinch herself because she can't quite believe he came.

"Am I that awful that you had to flee so dramatically?" He asks and winks at her to let her know that he's joking, but she gets embarrassed and starts fiddling with the shiny buttons on his coat. "Apologies, lass. I know why you did it and it's not a laughing matter."

"You know?" Emma exclaims and looks at him to find him avoiding her eyes.

"Ruby told me about your father", he tells her and holds up his hands when she presses her lips into a thin, angry line. "Don't be mad at your friend; I basically had to pry it out of her."

"No you didn't", Emma says because she knows Ruby and she knows her schemes.

"It's a good reason for not wanting to date a pilot", Killian whispers as if he's letting her off the hook, and it makes her unreasonably mad.

"So you're giving up on me?"

"I never said that", he tells her and she nods, feeling relieved and scared at the same time. "And besides, who knows; you might not even like me once you get to know me better."

In the cold, abandoned waiting room of the train station, Emma Swan laughs and shifts a little closer to Killian, and then they wait for her train in companionable silence.

* * *

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	3. And Then I Kissed Him

**Another chapter full of fluff ahead, but don't worry, a lot of angst coming soon. Thank you so much for all the wonderful feedback (a hundred follows in four days, wow), and I hope you keep enjoying this story. P.S. New chapter coming on Saturday.**

* * *

Emma doesn't see Killian again for a week and she's getting restless, wondering if maybe he'd changed his mind and decided that she's too much trouble.

Friday drags along slowly and she keeps watching the clock because she's tired and she just wants to go home and take a long bath, and the fact that there's nothing to do except the inventory _again_ is not helping.

"Hey Em, is that Killian waiting for you across the street?" Ruby asks and Emma practically flies out of her chair in her haste to join her by the window.

There's a moment when she's not sure if it really is him because he's not wearing his uniform, but then he shifts his weight from foot to foot and turns his head and her lips stretch into a smile because there's no mistaking that jaw line.

"Go, I'll cover for you", Ruby says and Emma glances at the clock again. "Oh for God's sake Emma, it's just for half an hour. Go!"

"Okay, okay, I'm going!" Emma exclaims and briskly walks out of the room to get her coat and purse, feeling butterflies fluttering in her stomach all the way to the front door of the hospital.

Killian notices her and slaloms between the cars to get to her side of the street, stopping a few feet in front of her, giving her space like he'd promised he would.

"Hello, Swan", he says, and she thinks that she shouldn't love the way he addresses her as much as she does, but she can't really help it.

"Hello, Lieutenant", she says, tilting her head to the side and regarding him with a critical eye.

"Not today, lass", he tells her and she grins, finding it entirely unfair that he looks as good in slacks, button down shirt and jacket as he does in his uniform.

"What are you doing here?" She asks and puts her hands in her pockets because they are shaking with anticipation and she doesn't want him to know.

"I was visiting family, so I thought I'd come see you for a bit, maybe walk with you if we're going in the same direction", he says and Emma can't even find the words to tell him how much it means to her that he's willing to take everything so painfully slow.

"I'm going that way", she says and points toward the park at the end of the street and he smiles to himself, then offers her his arm.

"What a coincidence", he murmurs and winks at her cheekily; Emma feels so light and careless that she's a little afraid she's going to float off, so she takes his arm and they easily fall into step with each other.

It's cold, and the park looks a little sad with the trees devoid of leaves, but Emma barely notices because she's too busy talking to Killian; he asks her about the things she likes to do when she's not working, and she learns that he's quite passionate about soccer and reading history books.

He tells her that he had always wanted to be a pirate when he grew up, and it makes her laugh so hard she almost cries.

"I need to ask you: how can an Englishman be in US Army Air Force?" She queries and tilts her head to the side, her eyes taking in his beautiful profile, her fingers grasping his arm a little tighter because he's suddenly looking troubled. "You don't have to answer if I'm being too forward."

"It's not that, lass", he says and gives her a reassuring smile. "It's a long story, and I don't think there's enough park left for me to be able to finish it."

"There's a coffee shop on the other side of the park", Emma says quickly and he lifts his eyebrow at her.

"Are you sure about that? If people saw us having a drink, they might think we're dating", he says, his eyes widening comically and making her laugh.

"It's not a date; it's just two people warming up before they part ways", she says and looks ahead instead of at his blue eyes that keep burning her skin with their penetrating gaze.

"If you say so."

She doesn't tell him that she's not as opposed to the idea of dating him as she was when she had first met him.

Ten minutes later Emma is sitting across from Killian with her hands wrapped around a mug full of coffee, watching him pour milk in his tea and quickly looking away when he catches her staring.

"Tell me your long story", she says and takes a sip of her coffee, then rests her chin on her hand and waits.

"I was born in England, but I spent most of my life here in the States."

"How come?" Emma asks, belatedly realizing that his story might not be a happy one.

"My father died right before the War, and my mother followed fairly quickly", he says and Emma closes her eyes, wishing she could take her question back if only to spare him the pain of talking about this. "Swan, it's okay. I barely remember them anyway."

"I'm so sorry", she says and when their gazes meet she can't believe she hadn't noticed sooner that the look in his eyes is the same she sometimes sees in hers; the look of an orphan.

"I was luckier than most; my brother managed to find me a good family in the States that had emigrated a few years earlier, and they took me in and cared for me as if I were their own. Do you remember Graham? He's also an orphan, but his family wasn't as nice", Killian says and Emma nods, remembering the shy Irishman that Ruby had dragged on the dance floor because she got tired of waiting on him to make the first move.

"What happened with your brother?" Emma asks softly, afraid that she already knows the answer, and her hand slides over the table top and covers Killian's before she can even think about what she's doing.

"Liam went to War", Killian answers, his fingers grasping hers gently, leaving her enough space to pull back if she wants to.

She doesn't want to let his hand go.

"He never came back", he finishes, his chin trembling ever so slightly before he shrugs and brushes his thumb over the back of her hand. "He was a pilot too."

Emma gasps and feels a wave of anger course through her veins because following in his brother's footsteps is most likely going to lead Killian to his doom too and it's so damn unfair.

"Tell me about your father", Killian asks her in a way that makes it impossible for her to refuse, and it's astonishing that he's capable of that because nobody else ever was; most people don't even bother to ask, assuming that she doesn't want to talk about it.

"I only remember him from pictures and my mother's stories; she says I look just like him, but I wish I was as brave as he was", Emma says and lifts her eyes to Killian's just as few tears slide down her cheeks. "I wish he wasn't as brave as he was."

"You're brave, love. You're here with me", he tells her and Emma chuckles, for once ignoring that annoying part of her that keeps yelling, telling her to run and never look back.

"Why wouldn't I be here? We're not dating", Emma says and winks at him, wipes her cheek with her knuckles and keeps her free hand in Killian's until they finish their drinks and he escorts her home.

* * *

Over the course of the next few weeks Emma sees Killian almost every day; he walks with her through the park, they have coffee, and on the weekends they spend the nights dancing and telling everybody that they are absolutely not dating.

It's clear that nobody believes them, but Emma doesn't care because it's not dating if they only hold hands and never kiss.

The only trouble is, just because they aren't dating and he never kisses her goodnight doesn't mean she can't fall in love with him, but she keeps telling herself that she won't.

She keeps telling herself that she can do this forever, or at least until this horrible war ends.

Exactly a month after the day they've met Killian convinces her to leave the club with him and takes her to the New York harbor where he commandeers a police boat to bring her closer to "Queen Mary", a magnificent ship she had always wanted to go sailing on.

"I'm afraid this is as close as I can get you to your ship", he says, but she's so overwhelmed with the fact that he remembered she had mentioned it that she can't even thank him for bringing her here. "Emma?"

"Nobody ever did anything like this for me", she whispers and lets him pull her close, her head resting against his shoulder as they sit in their little boat and look up at the starry sky, listening to the faint music coming from "Queen Mary".

"I'll give you everything you want if you let me", he says after a while, his lips grazing her forehead gently, but it still makes her shiver, her instinct to run stronger than ever.

"I'm scared", she whispers even as she slips her hand under his coat and wraps her arm around him.

"I wish I could tell you that we won't end up like your parents, but it might turn out to be a lie, and I don't want to lie to you. Nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow, much less next year, but what I do know is that you're the most incredible woman I know, and I want to spend every moment I can with you even if it's like this, even if you keep insisting we're not dating", he says and Emma closes her eyes, her nose pressing against his neck as he rests his cheek on top of her head. "I just want to be with you, Emma Swan."

"I want to be with you too", she tells him, finally saying what she'd been wanting to say for days, if not weeks.

Slowly, Emma pulls back and looks at him, her hand rising to cup his cheek, her thumb brushing against the scar decorating the smooth skin; Killian is barely breathing, his eyes asking her if she's sure silently, his hand resting on her waist barely applying any pressure.

Emma doesn't speak; she just kisses him, tentatively at first, afraid of herself and the future, but as soon as he starts kissing her back she's lost, holding onto him for dear life, breathing in when he breaths out and feeling her fears dissipate if only for a moment, if only while they are together like this.

"Should I assume that we're dating now?" He asks her softly when they finally separate, his forehead pressed against hers, and she can tell that he's smiling even with her eyes closed.

"First you have to take me out on a date", she says and sifts her fingers through the soft hair at the nape of his neck, feeling happiness bubble inside her at the way he brushes his nose along hers.

"Well then, Swan, do you want to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?" Killian asks and Emma opens her eyes, stealing another kiss before she answers him.

"I would very much like that", she says and his smile is so beautiful it takes her breath away, at the same time making her even more frightened of losing him than she was before.

"Emma, look at me", he tells her when she bites her lip and stares at the dark horizon over his shoulder.

Emma shakes her head and stubbornly refuses to meet his eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere", he says and she lets him embrace her, lets him comb her hair with his fingers and whisper all kinds of promises in her ear; he tells her that he's going to be okay even if he has to fight, he tells her that the war will end and that they are going to grow old together, and that no matter what, he's always going to find a way back to her.

He tells her he loves her without ever uttering the words, and she's glad for that because she doesn't think she'd be able to take it, not yet, not when their future is so uncertain.

"Everything is going to be alright, lass", he says and kisses her cheek, his eyes so blue when she finally looks at him, his face so honest and hopeful that she doesn't have the heart to tell him that she doesn't believe a single thing he'd told her.

Emma smiles and leans in for another kiss, making herself stop thinking, stop dreading the things she can't control and just focus on the feeling of his warm lips on hers and the power of his arms around her.

* * *

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	4. Dating a Pilot

**Since you've all been dreading the angst, I feel like it's only fair to warn you that this is the last fluffy chapter before everything gets painful and sad. Thanks for reading/reviewing/following/favoriting, and stay tuned for the new chapter on Monday.**

* * *

Killian is supposed to pick Emma up at 8 p.m. and she spends the afternoon getting ready, focusing on the superficial instead of on all the thoughts swirling in her head.

Mary Margaret watches her with a sad half-smile, and Emma wonders if she's seeing herself the way she used to be when she had first met David all those years ago, when she was still young and hopeful.

"Mom? Can I ask you something?" Emma sits next to her on the couch, her hands clasped in her lap, her stomach all fluttery with excitement.

"Of course", Mary Margaret says and Emma nods to herself, then stares at her parents' wedding picture for a long time.

"If you had known-"

"I'd do it all the same", Mary Margaret says before Emma can even finish her question. "Well, no. I would've loved him more, held him tighter and spent even more time with him. All I have left of him are the memories we've made, and you, and I would never give that up, not even if it saved me all the heartache."

Emma blinks back tears because she had always felt like she's just a painful reminder for her mother, but when she looks at her now, she finally sees past her sadness and realizes that she was always very much loved and wanted.

"So you should think I should date Killian?" She whispers around the lump in her throat and Mary Margaret laughs, wipes away Emma's tears with her thumb and presses a kiss to her forehead.

"You've been dating him since the day he had first walked you home."

Emma goes to check her make-up and when she returns she finds Killian sitting at the table in the kitchen, Mary Margaret chatting with him and arranging the flowers he'd brought.

Killian jumps to his feet when he sees Emma, his hand reaching for hers, and she blushes when he leans down and gives her a peck on the cheek, murmuring that she looks beautiful softly enough so her mother doesn't hear.

"I like the flowers", she tells him and he practically beams at her, his fingers dancing around hers before they tangle together.

"I'll bring her home at a decent hour, Mary Margaret", he says and Emma gapes at him, wondering when had he managed to charm her mother so much that she asked him to call her by name.

"I know you will, Killian", Mary Margaret winks at him and Emma tugs him toward the door, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Is there anybody who doesn't like you?" She asks him as they descend the stairs and gasps when he spins her around and crowds her against the wall, his lips inches from hers, his breath fanning her skin when he speaks.

"I know a lass who had managed to resist me for quite some time", he says and Emma smiles faintly, her arms wrapping around him and pulling him down for a kiss that leaves them both a little dazed.

"That was because I liked you right from the start", she says and lets him lead her out, his arm wrapped around her waist keeping her warm and helping her get lost in the moment.

* * *

The restaurant Killian had chosen is small and private, but Emma likes it that way because it's easier to ignore the rest of the world and focus just on being with him. Unfortunately, it's impossible to avoid the subject of war, but she finds that she's less scared the more she learns about what's happening in Europe.

"How does it feel?" She asks abruptly as they wait for the dessert, absentmindedly playing with his Air Force ring; she takes it off and tries it on all her fingers to find that it's way too big on her, so she puts it back where it belongs.

"Having my arm around you? It feels amazing", he says and pulls her a little closer.

"No, dummy. How does it feel to fly?" She asks and tilts her head back to look at him. "You know, in a plane?"

"It's wonderful; you feel weightless, and the world looks really beautiful from up there", he tells her and gives her a kiss before the waiter interrupts with their tiramisu.

"Will you show me someday?" She asks softly and he pauses with the fork halfway to her mouth to tell her that yes, he will.

She imagines that flying with him is going to be better than anything she'd ever felt before.

"Come on, Swan, let's dance", Killian says when they finish the tiramisu and Emma looks at him in surprise because there's nobody dancing, but she follows him to the tiny dance floor anyway, remembering what her mother had told her earlier tonight.

_I would've loved him more, held him tighter and spent even more time with him._

The gramophone in the corner plays Cole Porter, Emma and Killian sway to the music, and it seems like nothing is ever going to make them stop.

* * *

Now that she and Killian are officially dating, Ruby keeps teasing Emma, telling her how she wasn't fooling anybody and nagging her to arrange one of Killian's friends for her.

"I thought you liked Graham", Emma says as they walk out of the bathroom and back into the club to join their crowd; they've taken to going out together, Emma's nurses and Killian's pilots, but the evening always ends with Emma and Killian sneaking away on their own.

She wishes he had a car because there's only so many things you can do on a park bench without being inappropriate.

"He's cute, but sort of boring. I need somebody who can keep up with me", Ruby says and Emma rolls her eyes, steering her toward Jefferson even though she feels bad for Graham.

"Oh, I forgot to ask you. Did you hear the rumors that the Navy might ship us to Pearl Harbor?" Emma asks when Killian pulls her down in his lap and kisses her neck as surreptitiously as possible.

"I did", he says and she has to prompt him to elaborate.

"Well? Is it true?"

"I don't know, lass. I hope it is, because it's as far from the fighting as one could get", he says and she shivers, dread filling her stomach.

"Let's dance", she says and leads him to the dance floor, but no matter how vigorously he spins her around, she can't shake the cold.

* * *

On the first day of Spring Killian shows up during lunchtime carrying a picnic basket and managing to convince her to sneak off to the park with him; she's not supposed to leave the hospital while she's taking her break but it's impossible to resist him.

"How come you always have so much free time?" Emma asks him as they settle down on a blanket underneath a big oak tree and she starts unpacking the basket.

"I'm the best pilot they've got, so I'm allowed certain liberties", he says, and it's amazing how he manages to say things like that without sounding stuck up.

"I'm glad", Emma tells him and giggles when he wraps his arm around her and pushes her down, pressing a string of kisses against her neck. "Killian!"

"I know, I know, we're in public, it's inappropriate", he grumbles, still kissing her neck and making her wish they were somewhere private with every ounce of her being.

"Maybe you should find somewhere we could go that's not in public", she says and smiles when he pulls back to look at her with surprise. "Don't even pretend you didn't think about it."

"Of course I did, but I didn't expect you to be so forward", he teases and she pushes him off playfully so she can finish laying out their lunch.

"I'm just saying, I'm not opposed to the idea", she says and feels her cheeks flush when he lays his hand on her knee.

"My adoptive father knows a few people in New York; I can find us a place to stay for the weekend, if you want", he tells her and Emma nods, already trying to decide if she should tell her mother the truth or not.

"I thought you'd just take me to a hotel on Saturday night", she says and he shakes his head, reaching for her hand and kissing the back of it.

"I'm offended that you'd even think I'd treat you like that", he says, feigning hurt and making her laugh because he gets it; this is the point of no return for her and she needs him not to make a big deal out of it.

"My deepest apologies, Lieutenant", she says and kisses his jaw before she hands him one of the sandwiches he'd brought.

Afterwards, they lie on the blanket and watch the clouds pass overhead, heads close together and fingers entwined, deliberately ignoring the rest of the world until Emma realizes that she was supposed to be back at work half an hour ago.

"You are a bad influence!" She exclaims as she jumps to her feet, but despite the hurry she's in she can't resist leaning down and kissing him goodbye before she runs across the park and back to the hospital.

Luckily, nobody notices her absence, and she spends the rest of the day daydreaming about the weekend and wishing the hours and days would go by as quickly as possible.

* * *

Killian picks Emma up on Thursday after work and they go see a movie; it's supposed to be a comedy, but the news portion before it sours her experience and she ends up spending the rest of the evening thinking about the war and how long do they have before it hits them.

"We should've gone to theatre", Emma says when they walk out of the cinema, then shakes herself and plasters a smile on her face for his benefit.

"We'll go next week", he assures her and offers her his arm, which she gladly takes.

They walk in silence for a couple of blocks before they find a bench and she sits on his lap, feeling strangely melancholy and not really in the mood to talk.

"Lass? Is there something wrong?" He asks her softly and brushes away a lock of hair that keeps falling over her eye, and she shrugs, looking at their joined hands and smiling at the way hers seems tiny compared to his.

"Just the war", she answers, tracing his ring with her index finger and wishing for the millionth time that he were something other than a pilot.

"You know, there's one thing I've always wondered about you, lass", he says and Emma turns her head to look at him, silently encouraging him to tell her. "Whatever made you decide to be a Navy Nurse?"

"I wasn't always a Navy Nurse", she says, remembering the day the war started, and how all her friends decided that they should enlist.

Sometimes she wishes she hadn't done the same.

"Okay, but that doesn't answer my question", Killian murmurs and rests his cheek on top of her head, offering her silent support.

"I guess…", she starts to say, then trails off because she doesn't want to tell him what she usually tells people, since it's not true.

It wasn't just the inertion of doing what everybody else did.

The silence stretches and he kisses her temple, the knot in her stomach loosening, his warmth and gentle affection making her feel like she could tell him anything.

And so she does.

"I figured that if we're going to join the war, I should make sure to be there to help save pilots, or sailors, or whomever else I can", she says quietly and Killian kisses her shoulder, letting her know that he understands.

"From what you've told me, there's nothing they could've done for your father", he tells her, his hand rubbing up and down her arm when her vision gets blurry with tears.

It's amazing how well he can read her, see right into her soul and verbalize her deepest fears and doubts, then effortlessly alleviate them.

"I know that, but I still hope there was somebody there to hold his hand", Emma says and buries her face in Killian's neck, desperately trying not to let sadness overwhelm her.

Killian is safe and alive and they are not in the war yet, but she can't help feeling like he's slipping through her fingers.

"There was, love. I know there was", he tells her and rubs slow, comforting circles on her back, holding her for a long, long time as she cries.

* * *

**Review?**


	5. Please Don't Go

**Thank you for all the reviews and kind words, and get ready for angst because from this chapter on, it's pretty much all you're getting (but you know you love it). You can expect the new chapter on Wednesday. **

* * *

Emma walks out on the platform and cranes her neck in search of Killian, her heart skipping a beat when she sees him standing next to the train, looking for her too.

"Good evening, love", he says, and he sounds a little breathless and feels a little shaky when he takes her overnight bag from her and gives her a kiss, his free arm wrapping around her just a bit too tightly.

"Good evening", Emma says and presses her face into his shoulder for a moment, inhaling his scent and letting him hold her. "You okay?"

"Yeah, now that you're here", he murmurs and pulls back to look at her, his hand cupping her cheek, his eyes roaming over her face in a way that actually scares her.

"Killian-"

"Come along", he says and takes her hand to lead her toward the train door, helping her in like a gentleman he always is and following behind her as she looks for a free compartment.

Emma tries not to imagine horrible things, but she can't forget the look in his eyes, can't believe him when he tells her that everything is alright.

The train ride is a blur, but the mood shifts when they get into the cab and Killian gives the cabbie the address of the apartment they'll be spending the weekend in, the air around them practically sparkling with electricity when their hands brush together; Emma is acutely aware of his warmth seeping into her body, and she chalks his earlier behavior to nerves.

God knows she's practically shaking with excitement herself.

The apartment is on the fourth floor in a building without an elevator and when he teases her gently for her flushed cheeks she tells him it's not from exertion, causing him to unlock the door in record time and making her giggle like a schoolgirl she hadn't been for a long time.

"I knew it", she says and kicks off her heels before she hangs her coat on the rack and looks around; the apartment is tiny, with one room serving as a bedroom, kitchen and living room, and a door opposite the one they just came through probably leading into the bathroom.

"Knew what, lass?" He asks and lays his hands on her hips, pulling her closer until their bodies are pressed together.

"You want what all the men want", she tells him and wraps her arms around his neck, closing her eyes when his breath fans against her lips and waiting for him to kiss her.

"Only if you want it too", he says so softly she can barely hear him, and she realizes that he's leaving the choice of their activities for this weekend entirely up to her.

Sometimes she thinks that he's too perfect to be real, and then she remembers that he's a pilot and that's as far from perfect as a man can get, at least in her eyes.

Emma stands on her tiptoes and kisses him, sighing against his mouth when he wraps both arms around her waist and helps her keeps her balance, heat rushing through her veins as she follows his full bottom lip with her tongue before he coaxes it into his mouth.

They stumble toward the bed without breaking contact, her hands pulling his shirt tails out of his pants, his fingers tugging down the zipper on the back of her dress; the kiss goes from lazy to passionate and she finds herself lying down without really acknowledging how she came to be like that, reveling in the feel of him pressing her into the mattress as he hikes the hem of her dress up, her legs opening wider on impulse.

Killian trails kisses from her lips, along her jaw line and down her neck, his hand burning her thigh, her head falling back and her body arching into him as she traces her fingertips along his spine; she feels cherished, and so very loved.

And then he pulls back without a warning, leaving her shivering when she opens her eyes and finds him sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from her.

"I'm so sorry, Swan. I can't do this to you", he says and she sits up slowly, like waking from a dream to find that the reality is worse than you remember.

"I don't understand. I want this", she says uncertainly, reaching out a hand to lay it on his shoulder, gently urging him to face her.

"I'm leaving", he says and she blinks at him dazedly, trying to un-hear it, trying to not see her shattered future in his eyes, trying not to feel anything when he turns toward her and brushes his knuckles along her cheek.

"Leaving where?" She whispers, and her voice belongs to someone else, someone cold and composed, someone who's not drowning on dry land the way she is.

"To England", she says, his eyes dark with regret. "To war."

"No", she exclaims, recoiling from his touch and from his words. "No, you're not."

"Emma-"

"Please, Killian, tell me it's a joke. I'll forgive you, just let it be a joke", she says, panic flooding her system and freezing her blood because she knows him, and she knows he would never joke about something like that, not when he knows what frightens her most.

"I'm sorry", he breathes, his hand reaching for her tentatively, but she can't bear his touch right now so she gets off the bed and stands just a little out of his reach.

"You're in the US Army Air Force. We're not in the war", she says, trying to rationalize this, trying to find a way to save him, still clinging onto hope that she can. "They can't order you to go."

"I volunteered", he tells her and a sob escapes her, tears rapidly filling her eyes as she fights the urge to press her hands to her ears like a child refusing to hear bad news.

"Killian, please."

"It was before I met you", he says as if it makes everything better, as if it should comfort her. "I never wanted to hurt you."

"How long have you known?" She asks and takes a step back when he gets up and tries to hold her.

"Since this morning", he says, his hands falling to his sides as if admitting defeat.

Emma turns on her heel and runs toward the bathroom, slamming the door shut before he can catch up to her and locking herself inside it.

"Swan, please, let me explain", he pleads through the door as she sits on the floor and wraps her arms around her knees. "Emma, open the door."

"Leave me alone", she yells and then she cries in loud, heart-wrenching sobs, her entire body shaking when she starts hyperventilating; she'd been praying that the war never finds Killian, and he's going to go looking for it.

"Open the door", he says, but she doesn't move, barely reacting when he forces it open and kneels in front of her. "I'm not going to die."

Emma lifts her tear-streaked face up and he wraps her in his arms, cradling her head against his shoulder and telling her that everything is going to be okay.

"When do you have to go?" She asks and braces herself for impact.

"Monday", he tells her, and she realizes why he had tried to keep it from her.

He wanted to give her a few more memories, one perfect weekend in each other's arms before he leaves her and goes to the worst place on Earth he could go.

"Don't go", she says and pulls back to look at him, her hands framing his face. "Please don't go."

"You know I have to", he tells her and turns his head to kiss her palm, then closes his eyes and keeps them closed when he speaks again. "I had to tell you before something happened tonight, and I don't expect you to write to me or-"

"It's too late", she interrupts and her face crumples again, but as soon as he opens his eyes she takes a shuddery breath and goes on. "It was too late the moment I met you."

"Too late for what?" He whispers and the hope in his eyes takes her breath away.

"I love you", she says, her voice breaking, her hands shaking until he wraps his fingers around her wrists and steadies them. "Nothing can change that."

"I love you, Swan, and I'm going to come back, I promise you. I will return", he says firmly, his eyes burning with conviction that affects her despite her pessimistic tendencies.

There's a part of her that wants to scream at him, that wants to run away and leave him here, but she knows that they don't have long, and that she would regret it the second she was out the door.

Her kiss surprises him, but he recovers quickly and kisses her back so passionately that her head spins, making it increasingly difficult to think about war and what the future brings. She lets him carry her back to the bedroom where he peels off her dress with steady fingers, then helps her unbutton his shirt and shrugs it off as she presses kisses against his neck and shoulders, breathing him in and finding comfort in the strength of his arms wrapping around her.

They finish undressing in between heated kisses and Emma keeps her eyes closed when he teases her nipple with his tongue, her fingers bunching the sheets as he moves down and presses open-mouthed kisses to her stomach, slowly making the pressure inside her rise with his lips and teeth and tongue until she's about ready to explode.

"Please", she mutters and he reverses up, kissing her so tenderly when he reaches her lips that she feels it on her soul.

"Look at me", he says and Emma opens her eyes, green catching on blue as he pauses, hovering above her as if asking for permission again.

Emma is tired of waiting and tired of being afraid, so she reaches between them and leads him inside, crying out his name and wrapping her legs around his waist tightly to take him in as deeply as she can; she wants them to be one, wants to hold him like this forever and never let go.

Killian kisses her and starts moving in slow, deliberate strokes that make her gasp for breath and bite his lip, her nails digging into his back; blood rushes in her ears and she thinks that she'd never been this high, but then he quickens his pace and she realizes that there's a whole world she'd never seen before.

Emma feels like she might drift away but then his hand finds hers and their fingers entwine, his eyes holding hers when they fall back to Earth together.

For a long time, neither of them speaks; Emma rests her head on his shoulder and Killian traces his fingers up and down her waist, his free hand still holding hers. Everything feels different now, and Emma can't slow down either her racing heart or her racing thoughts.

Killian presses his lips against her forehead and Emma's face crumples again, but she bites her lip and holds herself together, refusing to cry anymore.

"Promise you'll come back", she says shakily, and he unwraps his arm from around her, rolling on his side so that they are face to face.

"I promise", he says and brings his hand up to tuck a wayward curl behind her ear.

Emma closes her eyes and tips her forehead against his.

"I wish I could believe you."

"Have I told you a lie?" He asks and kisses first her nose, then her cheek and finally her lips, and despite everything, it makes her smile.

"When were you going to tell me that you're leaving?" She asks and scoots closer to him, their legs tangling together as hopelessly as their destinies.

"Tomorrow morning", he says, and a part of her wishes he'd waited.

Mostly, she's glad he didn't, because it feels like he'd given her a choice, even if that choice was inevitably going to be him.

"So when you planned this weekend?"

"I had no idea that it would be like this", he tells her and kisses away a few tears that escape her.

"I can't lose you, Killian. I just can't", she says and he keeps kissing her until he makes her believe that she won't, that no matter the odds, he will come back.

* * *

**Review?**


	6. The Long Goodbye

**The angst-fest continues, but we all know it's exactly why you like my fics, so enjoy, and thank you for each and every review you've given me; they make me happy and put a smile on my face. New chapter on Friday.**

* * *

Thunder rumbles and for a moment, Emma is disorientated, drifting between dreams and reality and trying to remember where she is; it's only when the warmth of Killian's body registers that everything comes back to her, and she lies motionless, staring at the rectangle of light that illuminates the only window in the apartment until it gets blurry.

Lightning flashes outside and Emma braces herself for what follows, still jerking violently because the crash is too loud in her ears; it's what she imagines a battlefield sounds like, and it's too much to take, especially tonight.

"Lass?" Killian says sleepily, gently turning her in his arms until she's facing him. "You're trembling."

"It's the storm", she whispers and squeezes her eyes shut when the apartment gets illuminated again.

"Shhhh, you're safe", he tells her and rubs soothing circles on her back, his chin resting on top of her head when she presses her nose against his chest. "You're safe with me."

Instead of letting up, the storm gets worse and Killian stretches to turn on the lamp on the bedside table, still holding her close, whispering comforting words that do nothing to slow her racing heart.

Next time the thunder booms overhead, she actually shrieks, wanting to curl in a ball and hide from the world, but she clings to Killian instead; it's like the bed is a sinking ship and he's her lifeline.

"Swan, it's alright, just breathe", he tells her and covers her ears with his hands to muffle the sound of thunder, his eyes holding hers and making her a little less frightened.

"What do you think is gonna become of us?" She asks him, looking for both a distraction and reassurance that they can get through this.

"We're going to grow old together, love", he tells her without a moment's hesitation and Emma tries not to let her chin tremble.

"I can't even fathom Monday right now", she whispers and he brushes her hair behind her shoulder before kissing her gently. "What happens in five years?"

"For one, the war is over", he says, and she marvels at his conviction, but doesn't comment on it, focusing on his ocean gaze and the sound of his voice instead. "We're living somewhere nice and peaceful, like my parents' house in Essex, or Hawaii, where I fly sightseeing tours."

"Hawaii?" Emma asks and looks at him with wide eyes, the crash of thunder barely making her wince now.

"The rumors were true. The Navy is shipping you there next week", he murmurs in a conspirative tone and winks at her. "I hear it's wonderful."

"Maybe they let you come for Christmas", she murmurs and his smile falters, turning as fragile as her heart feels.

"Maybe", he tells her what she needs to hear, and Emma lets him deceive her.

"What else?" She asks and he rolls on his back, letting her rest her head on his chest as he sifts his fingers through her hair and tells her a fairytale.

"We have a house right on the beach, and every evening we take a walk down it before going to bed. You're pregnant with a little boy", he says softly and a giggle escapes her despite the thunder and the fact that he's leaving in forty-eight hours.

"You're sure it's a boy?" She asks him and traces the edge of his dog tags, then wraps her hand around one and holds on, willing it to stay put.

"Quite sure", he tells her and gives her a smile she hopes their future child inherits.

"What are we gonna name him?" She asks and Killian shrugs, running his hand up and down her arm lazily, and for a moment she manages to forget that the world is ending soon.

"Whatever you like, my love", he tells her and Emma feels her eyes drooping, the storm finally moving away from them and allowing her to fall asleep again, lulled by his caresses and his voice as he tells her more about their life together in paradise on Earth.

* * *

Emma wakes early on Saturday and carefully disentangles herself from Killian's arms, then puts on his shirt and does the buttons with shaky fingers as she walks to the window and looks out; the world looks scrubbed clean and the sun makes the puddles glisten, but Emma turns away and focuses her attention on Killian instead.

He's sleeping with his arms sprawled and his mouth half-opened, the blanket bunched around his hips and revealing his flat stomach and all that chest hair that makes her bite her lip and blush at the memory of what had happened last night.

Her face crumples without warning and she escapes to the other side of the room, putting on the water for coffee and stealing glances at him over her shoulder until her drink is ready. She makes him tea and carries both back to bed, setting the mugs on the bedside table and turning off the lamp that's been on since she awoke during the night, frightened of thunder.

If they had time, she would let him sleep, but she needs him awake so she can memorize every word he says and every move he makes, so she sits on the bed next to him and leans down to wake him with a kiss.

His arms close around her and he pulls her on top of him, his tongue slipping into her mouth just like his hands do under the shirt she's wearing.

She ends up drinking cold coffee, and he pours his tea down the drain.

* * *

"Emma", Killian says her name and it's like a painful caress, but she still manages to look at him across the table they are having breakfast at with dry eyes. "I won't write to you if you don't want me to."

"Of course I want you to write to me!" She exclaims, her hand gripping the edge of the table so tightly her knuckles go as pale as the tablecloth.

"I'm just trying to spare you unnecessary pain", he says and she ducks her head, taking a deep breath to calm down.

It hurts to think about next week and the time beyond, and even though she can't comprehend the depth of the pain of being without him yet because he's still here with her, she can imagine, and she knows that reading his letters and hearing his voice in her head is going to be the only thing that will help her cope.

"I told you last night; it's too late", she tells him and when she gets up his eyes follow her as she walks around the table, his arms opening to receive her when she sits down on his lap. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything", he breathes, looking at her in a way he never did before; with desperation.

"Can we try not to talk about it this weekend?" She asks, her fingers tracing the five o'clock shadow on his jaw as she tries to memorize all the constellations in his forget-me-not eyes.

She couldn't forget him if she wanted to.

"As you wish", he says and seals that promise with a kiss before he carries her back to bed.

* * *

And so, they don't talk about it; for two days they explore the city, they go dancing and he holds her close when she can't hold back the tears, but neither of them mentions him leaving; they exist in a vacuum, trying to create as many memories as possible before he has to go.

During the nights, Killian makes love to her with desperation and incredible passion, and she wraps herself around him trying to imprint on his skin so he can take her with him half the world away.

On Sunday, he takes her out for lunch and they barely talk, fingers firmly entwined all through the meal, eyes never leaving each other.

When they get home, they take a long bath together, and then lie in bed with noses pressed together, fingers entwined while they quiz each other on childhood friends and the trouble they used to get into with them.

The shadows darken and Killian turns on the light, coaxing her to the kitchen where she sits on the counter while he makes her pancakes, kissing her after he finishes each one.

Afterwards, he lies her down against the soft pillows and she thinks _one last time_, but a few hours before dawn he gives her one last time once more.

"I want you to have this", he tells her and takes off his Air Force ring, trying it on all her fingers to make her laugh because they already know it's twice too big for her.

All he manages to get from her is a watery smile as she unclasps her necklace and puts the ring on it before she lets him put it back around her neck.

"Looks good on you, Lieutenant", he murmurs and Emma touches it with her fingertips, then takes his hand in hers and caresses his knuckles with her thumb.

"Don't die", she blurts out, unable to keep it in anymore, and he looks at her long and hard before he speaks.

"I will not die", he says, and for some unfathomable reason, she believes him.

* * *

Killian is leaving on the early train and she sits on the bed watching him put on his uniform, feeling like he's slipping farther away from her with each new piece of clothing; he's burying the love of her life underneath the pilot and the only reason she can bear it is because not looking at him while she still can would be worse.

For the first time since he told her the news, his hands tremble and she stands in front of him to do his tie for him, rising on her tiptoes to give him a kiss, trying to infuse him with courage.

"You'll be okay", she tells him, and he wraps his arms around her, holding her close and hiding his nose in her hair without saying anything.

They take a taxi to the station and Emma stares out the window trying not to break, trying to hold it together for just a little bit longer; she'd never seen Killian scared before, and it makes her positively terrified, but she refuses to let it show.

Their entwined hands are resting on his knee and he's caressing the back of hers in a repetitive circular motion that does nothing to soothe her.

She wishes he would stop.

She can't tell him to stop because she knows she's going to be longing for that simple touch in less than an hour.

The station is busy with regular people going about their regular business, and nobody pays attention to a travelling soldier and the girl who looks at him with stars in her eyes and a broken smile.

"I love you", Killian says, and she realizes that neither of them said it since Friday night when he had first told her he's leaving.

"I love you", she whispers, leaning into him and wrapping her arms around his waist, holding him with all the strength she possesses, her cheek resting on his shoulder. "Write me as often as you can."

"Will you write me too?" He asks, and he sounds shy and uncertain and so very young, so very different from the usual cocky pilot he is.

"Every day", she tells him and inhales his scent, smiling faintly because she had taken one of his shirts when he wasn't looking and she plans on wearing it to bed every night until it either falls apart or he comes back, whichever happens first.

"If you need anything, ask Graham; I told him to take care of you while I'm gone", Killian says and Emma nods even though she can't imagine ever needing anything Graham can provide.

"I'll be okay", she lies and tilts her head back for a kiss that gets interrupted by the last call to get aboard the train.

They pull away and stand frozen for a moment longer, just looking at each other, and then he gives her a smile, cups her face in both hands and kisses her forehead, lingering as long as he can before he finally steps back and picks up his bag, quickly climbing inside.

Emma walks down the platform until Killian reaches his hand out the window, their fingers brushing together before the train picks up speed and she can't keep up anymore.

Her heart is breaking but she waves goodbye until he's out of sight, then sits down on the closest bench and cries until her own train arrives to take her back to her mother.

She's not going home because home is where Killian is, and he'd gone where she can't follow.

* * *

**Review?**


	7. Wai Momi

**Thank you for all the reviews, and to everybody who's reading this story; I hope you keep enjoying and from now on the angst is only going to get worse, but as always, there's going to be a happy ending. Somebody asked how long is this fic going to be, and the answer is 22 chapters plus the epilogue; first 12 chapters every other day, and the rest every day, so new chapter coming on Sunday! **

* * *

The island of O'ahu is the most beautiful place Emma had ever seen, but unlike her friends, she finds it hard to appreciate it.

As soon as they settle their luggage into the bungalows they've been appointed, Ruby convinces Belle and Ariel that they should go exploring, rolling her eyes at Emma good-naturedly before she closes the door. Emma unpacks, changes into a lighter dress and walks outside, feeling a little bad for avoiding the girls, but knowing she wouldn't be good company.

Killian has been gone for less than five days and she finds it easier to be alone than in the crowd.

She sighs and leans on the rail that looks out at the Harbor, wondering where he is at this exact moment, then realizing he's probably sleeping because it's well past midnight in England; she hopes he's dreaming about her.

The weight of his ring around her neck is comforting, and Emma reaches up to hold it, closing her eyes and enjoying the way a light breeze plays with her hair, wishing for the hundredth time that Killian was here.

She wishes her mother was here too, and it's funny because she had always considered herself self-sufficient, and she hadn't missed Mary Margaret at all when she trained to become a nurse; maybe she just needs to talk to somebody who can understand what she's going through.

Mary Margaret looked as shocked and devastated as Emma felt when she had told her that Killian went to England, and her arms closed around Emma in a fierce, protective embrace that Emma couldn't remember ever receiving from her before.

Since there's no use in dwelling on that, Emma shakes herself and opens her eyes, standing a little straighter and deciding she should start making dinner; the kitchen is well stocked and it will give her something to do with herself.

Besides, it's a nice way of apologizing to her friends for being so distant on the way here.

"Sleep well", she whispers, pausing on her way back to the bungalow to look up at the sky and send all the love she feels from her heart, to Killian's.

* * *

By the time Ruby stumbles out of her room the next day Emma is already finishing breakfast, glad that they are starting work even though it's Saturday.

"Coffee?" She asks Ruby and sets the mug in front of her without waiting for an answer, noticing the way her friend is looking at the envelope waiting on the table. "What?"

"Do you really intent to write to him every day?" Ruby asks and Emma presses her lips into a thin line, trying not to snap at her because she knows Ruby means well.

"If I can", she says, her voice steady even though she feels like she's made of glass.

"Emma-"

"I'll have plenty of time to write; I don't imagine that there's going to be much to do here aside from taking care of a few sunburns and broken limbs", Emma says and carries her plate to the sink, turning her back on Ruby.

"I know you're gonna have time, but I'm not sure it's what you should be doing", Ruby says and Emma turns around, crossing her arms in front of her chest and trying not to explode.

"You were the one who told him my name, told him about my father, and now you're saying I should give up on him?" Emma exclaims, her fingers digging into her own arms as she fights for composure.

"I'm not saying that", Ruby holds her hands up, backpedalling as fast as she can. "I'm just saying, try to live your life."

"You don't understand, but someday you're going to fall in love properly, and then you will", Emma says and takes her letter from the table. "See you at work. I need to post this."

"Emma, wait-", Ruby calls after her, but Emma ignores her and storms out of the bungalow, holding the letter in her hand like it's something precious.

She doesn't know how long it will take her letters to reach Killian, but she hopes that when they do, he will find comfort in them and feel love dripping from every word.

* * *

By the end of their first day, Ruby manages to get Emma talking to her again, effortlessly charms a few sailors stuck in hospital because of broken legs and accepts an invitation to dinner from doctor Whale.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to date a guy you're going to be working with?" Emma asks her while they walk home and Ruby assures her it's perfectly fine.

"Better than dating a patient", she says with a pointed look and Emma frowns until she realizes that Ruby means Killian.

"He wasn't my patient!"

"He kind of was, for a day", Ruby says with a wink and Emma cracks the first smile since Killian had left. "Emma, he'll come back."

Emma is surprised by the way Ruby's voice and eyes soften when she says that, and it's clear that her friend actually believes it.

"How do you know?" Emma asks her and Ruby reaches out to lay her hand on Emma's shoulder, squeezing it gently as she speaks.

"Because he's too stubborn and he loves you too much not to."

Emma nods and blinks away a few tears, and Ruby slips her arm under Emma's, holding onto her as they walk home.

* * *

On Sunday, Emma sleeps in because she's dreaming of Killian and their last night together, her body remembering his every touch, her mind telling her that it's not real even as her heart tells her to keep holding on.

"Emma, wake up, there's somebody here to see you!" Ruby yells from the living room and Emma jerks awake, looking around in confusion until she remembers where she is, and more importantly, where she's not.

She's nowhere near Killian.

Emma runs her fingers through her tangled hair, decides not to bother because whoever it is, they woke her up and they can deal with her being less than presentable.

Sitting on their flowery sofa and looking completely out of place there is Graham, and Emma busies her hands with tying the bathrobe she had put on hastily before leaving her room.

"Hello", he says and jumps to his feet, then just stands there awkwardly.

"Hey", Emma says, confused and a little bit scared. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh yes, everything is fine. I'm here to give you something", he says and takes an envelope from the inside pocket of his jacket; it's a little crumpled, but the second Emma sees her name written on it, she knows who is it from. "It's from Killian."

Emma hadn't expected to get a letter for at least a month, and she's too overwhelmed to say anything.

"Here, sit down", Graham tells her and leads her to the armchair, but she's barely aware of his presence, all her attention focused on the letter.

"When did he give it to you?" She asks, her fingers itching to open the envelope; she holds herself back because she wants to be alone when she reads the letter inside of it.

"On Friday, before he went to meet you", Graham says and Emma somehow manages to tear her eyes from the letter and look up when she thanks him.

Graham waves his hand in the air and tells her that it was no trouble, and it's only then that she realizes she's not the only person in the world who misses Killian; his friends and adoptive parents do too.

"I have to go back", Graham says when the silence stretches and Emma nods, standing up to follow him to the door.

"Bye, Graham", Ruby calls from the kitchen and he gives her a tight nod, making Emma wonder what had exactly happened between them.

"Try not to worry about Killian too much… he's tough", Graham tells her and she manages to smile even though she can see the same look in his eyes that she sees in the mirror; it's not exactly hopeless, but it's not hopeful either.

"I'll try", she says, but she knows she won't stop worrying until he comes back and pulls her in for a hug, showing her that he's okay.

As soon as Graham descends the stairs leading down from the porch Emma returns to her tiny bedroom and leans against the door for a moment, a little apprehensive because Killian had written this letter before he'd told her that he's leaving, so she doesn't really know what to expect.

Emma takes a deep breath, carefully opens the envelope, takes the letter out and starts reading.

He calls her his dear and she smiles, touching the elegantly curved handwriting with her fingertips and wondering who had taught him to write like that.

He tells her that he feels like a teenager writing to his first love and she feels an overwhelming surge of love for him, for her beautiful, brave pilot soaring across a distant sky and trying to defend the land he used to belong to.

She hopes he belongs to her now.

He admits that he never would've volunteered had they met earlier, and it's a small, but important comfort.

He tells her that she's his wings, and that home is with her, his words getting blurry because tears spring to her eyes, making her set the letter down next to her until she cries them all.

It takes her a while because she can hear his voice in her head, and she would give everything to be able to wrap her arms around him and never let him go.

Emma takes off the bathrobe and smoothes her hand down the front of Killian's stolen shirt she's wearing, telling herself that it still smells like him before she picks up the letter and continues reading it.

He asks her to wait for him, and he does it so tentatively, as if he doesn't have any right to, and she hopes that her letters reach him as soon as possible to let him know that she's never going to stop holding on.

He tells her that he wants to make her fly, and she wishes she had told him that he already did.

Killian's letter leaves her feeling melancholic, but it also gives her hope that everything is going to work out, that the love they share can't be snuffed easily, and that somehow, someday, he's going to find a way to return to her.

* * *

Emma feels suspended in time, trapped in a bubble and floating around without anything affecting her; she works, she writes countless letters, sometimes even goes out with Ruby and their friends, but all along she's acutely aware of Killian's absence.

It's everything she had dreaded, lonely and scary and exhausting, and it's not comforting to think that Killian's got it worse.

She gets his first letter from England on the first day of May and despite the gravity of the situation he's in, seeing him profess his love for her brightens her entire week, and not even Ruby sneaking around the hospital with Whale can sour Emma's mood; if they get in trouble with the supervisor, at least they are going to know that they lived while they could.

Graham shows up once or twice to see how she's doing, and Emma genuinely enjoys chatting to him because he's always full of stories about Killian and their childhood that ease her longing for him, if only for a little while.

Emma spends every waking moment thinking about Killian, so it's no wonder it reflects on her dreams; at least he's holding her when she's asleep, if he can't while she's awake.

There's a beach not far from the bungalow and every Sunday she walks along the waterline, pretending that Killian is walking next to her, holding her hand and talking to her about silly, domestic things; there's just one rule on those nights, and that's for Emma not to think about war and where Killian really is.

For half an hour every week, he's with her, and he's safe, just like their dream of spending their lives together is.

For half an hour, she doesn't feel like the love of her life is half the world away in the most dangerous place on Earth.

For that half an hour, she believes without a shadow of a doubt that he will find a way to come back to her.

* * *

**Review?**


	8. The End of the World

**Since you all know that this AU is basically Pearl Harbor rewritten (with certain changes) with Emma and Killian instead of Evelyn and Rafe, this is the part where Killian "dies". Before you give up on the story, bear in mind that Rafe comes back, and so will Killian, two chapters from this one. Enjoy, and thank you for reading! New chapter coming on Tuesday.**

* * *

Weeks pass and Emma waits; she spends her life holding her breath, braced for bad news.

Killian's letters arrive consistently, and she hopes the same is true for hers; Emma reads them and rereads them countless of times, until she memorizes every word, but she still takes them out from time to time to caress the thin paper with her fingertips.

Mostly, he describes England for her, the way it looks from the sky and how cold it is despite the fact that it's almost summer. He tells her about a few friends he'd made, then stops talking about them all together and it's not too hard to put two and two together.

He tells her that he misses her more than anything else in the world, and she wishes she could be there with him, even if it's dangerous; she just wants to be where he is.

Since they are still incredibly idle at work, most of the nurses get the afternoon off for the Fourth of July, and Ruby stops Emma from volunteering to stay, telling her that she needs to have fun on the island at least once before the war in Europe ends and they ship them back home.

Emma sighs, but she puts her bathing suit on and follows everybody to the beach, where they meet up with the pilots and Whale.

She catches herself looking for Killian among them even though she knows he's far, far away.

Graham catches her eye and gives her a sad smile, and Emma smiles back even though she feels like crying and going back to the bungalow where she could lock herself up in her room and deal with Killian's absence alone.

It's not a bad party; there's barbecue and drinks and one of the pilots had brought a guitar, but Emma isn't really in the mood to celebrate so she goes to sit just shy of the water line.

Graham joins her a few minutes later, but he just sits in the sand next to her, quiet and unassuming, yet there if she decides she wants to talk to him.

"Got any letters from Killian?" She asks, and if it bothers Graham that Killian is the only thing they ever talk about, he doesn't show it.

"A few", he says, but doesn't elaborate.

"Does he seem okay to you?" She asks, looking for reassurance that the love of her life is as well as it can be expected.

"He's scared", Graham says, and she's almost sorry she'd asked.

"He always tells me he's coming back", she murmurs and stares at the blue, blue ocean in an attempt to keep her tears at bay.

"He's not scared of dying, Emma. He's scared that he's going to lose you", Graham tells her softly and she turns her head sharply, her eyes wide with surprise.

"I love him!"

"He knows, but you can't fault him for worrying… You're beautiful, and he's five thousand miles away", Graham says, then catches sight of Killian's ring hanging from her necklace; she never takes it off, not even when she's showering or sleeping because it makes her feel closer to him. "He gave you his ring."

Graham's voice is full of wonder and Emma closes her fingers around the ring, holding it in her hand and waiting for him to explain the look on his face.

"He didn't tell me you're engaged."

"We're not", Emma says, warmth creeping into her cheeks and a smile curling her lips. "Someday, maybe we will be."

"He gave you his Air Force ring… it's his most prized possession, and he told me many times that he wouldn't give it to anybody but the woman he intends to marry", Graham says, and Emma looks down at the ring, feeling like she's seeing it for the first time.

"He can marry me the second he comes back, as far as I'm concerned", Emma says and as if on cue, the sky explodes in multi-colored fireworks; she wishes Killian were here to see it, but then again, she always wishes for that.

Her eyes follow the shooting stars, her fingers caressing the insignia on Killian's ring until the magic is over, and when she turns to talk to Graham again, he's gone.

Emma shrugs and goes back to watching the waves break against the sand, writing her next letter to Killian in her head and thinking how she's miles away from her friends even though they are just a couple dozen yards down the beach from her.

It's like living on a deserted island, and she wonders if it's the same for Killian.

"Come home", she whispers, but nobody answers her prayer.

* * *

Emma doesn't ask Killian about the ring in the next few letters, feeling foolish and giddy and fluttery, too excited about the prospect of being his wife to worry about him the way she usually does.

She finally gathers the courage to write about it on a rainy Saturday, cozily settled in the armchair in the living room, thanking God that there's no thunder because she's home alone and she doesn't want to feel frightened when Killian isn't around to calm her down and hold her.

In her letter, Emma asks him directly if the ring means that he wants to marry her, and hesitates only for a moment before telling him that if the answer is yes, she'd really like him to.

It's almost funny, but after all the letters they exchanged, she feels like she knows him better now than she did when they were spending almost every day together, and she's fairly certain that her boldness is going to make him smile.

Emma rambles for a while longer, telling him about the Fourth of July fireworks and jokingly asking him if he can send her another one of his shirts because the one she had stolen from him is so worn that she's practically naked when she wears it.

She imagines him reading those lines, and she can almost see his eyes darkening with passion.

_I miss you_, she tells him and kisses the paper underneath her name, leaving a bright red mark in the shape of her lips.

_I love you more each day._

She doesn't know it's the last letter she's ever going to write him.

* * *

Emma is about to leave for work when a car pulls up in front of the bungalow and a pilot steps out of it in full dress uniform; the sun is low on the horizon, and in the weak light he looks like Killian, but then he rises his head and she realizes it's Graham.

He looks solemn, and her feet carry her down the porch steps, dread filling her gut the closer she gets to him.

It feels like an eternity before she finally reaches Killian's best friend, and as soon as she looks up to meet his eyes, she knows.

Killian is gone.

"I'm sorry", Graham says and wraps his arms around her, but they offer her no comfort, they don't help her breathe again.

Her worst fear had come true, and she thinks she might be dying too.

"I'm so sorry", Graham whispers and she shatters, her world crumbling even though she still can't believe it's happening; tears blur her vision and she doesn't even try to stop them, her arms hanging limply by her sides even as he cradles her head to his shoulder and gently rocks her from side to side.

His fingers in her hair don't feel right, and his arm around her waist is burning her, but she just stands there, unable to move, unable to think or do anything except to feel the loss of the love of her life like a hole in her heart.

"Let's get you inside", Graham tells her and slowly leads her up the stairs and into the bungalow, making her sit down on the sofa while he makes her tea.

"I'm supposed to go to work", she says brokenly and he tells her not to worry about it.

"Your friends will cover for you."

Emma stares out the window without seeing anything, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks and dripping from her chin until Graham brings her the tea.

The last time she had made tea was in New York, two days before Killian left, and now the entire room smells like it, reminding her of everything that's forever lost.

Emma covers her face with her hands and starts crying in loud, heart-wrenching sobs, recoiling when Graham tries to lay his hand on her shoulder in comfort.

"Please leave me alone", she gasps out and waits for the sound of the door closing, but he doesn't move. "I need to be alone."

"That's the last thing you need", he says and sits on the other end of the couch, but doesn't attempt to touch her again.

Emma cries, the world keeps on turning, and eventually, her tears run dry.

"He promised to come back", Emma says, and she's not sure if she's talking to Graham or herself.

"They say he's a hero", Graham tells her, and she lifts her eyes to meet his, her trembling hand reaching up to hold Killian's ring.

"I don't care", she says, her voice sounding as hollow and broken as she feels.

"I know", Graham whispers, and sits with her until Ruby gets home.

* * *

Emma spends the day crying, but even though she's exhausted, she can't fall asleep no matter how much she tries.

Before he went back to base, she managed to convince Graham to tell her what had happened, and now she lies in her bed, unable to stop wondering what drowning feels like; she wonders if it was quiet and cold and too dark to see, and prays that it didn't hurt even though she knows it couldn't have been painless.

She wonders if Killian tried reaching for her.

She wonders if he had said her name before he closed his eyes.

Her face crumples again and Emma covers her mouth with her hand to muffle her cries; she feels like screaming, but she's not alone in this house and she doesn't want Ruby to hear her, doesn't want her friend to feel like she should come and try to comfort her.

There's nothing she could say that would make it better.

The door opens and closes softly, but even though Emma doesn't move and tries to stay as quiet as possible, Ruby isn't fooled, and she slips into bed next to her, pulling Emma against her in a fierce embrace, her hand gently rubbing up and down Emma's back when the tears choke her again, when the weight of the world presses heavily on her shoulders.

"It's gonna be okay, Em. I know you're hurt, but you're gonna be okay", Ruby tells her and holds her as she cries until Emma finally manages to calm down.

"He's the love of my life", Emma whispers and tries to wipe her face, but new tears just keep rolling down her cheeks.

"You'll fall in love again", Ruby reassures her, but Emma can't imagine ever loving somebody new, ever coming to terms with the fact that she's never going to kiss Killian again, that his arms are never going to wrap around her like they used to.

"I don't want to", she says and holds Killian's ring in her hand so tightly that the insignia on it imprints on her palm.

"Emma, you-"

"I love him. I love him so much, Ruby", Emma says, her voice breaking because Killian is gone, and he doesn't love her anymore.

"I am so sorry", Ruby tells her, eyes shiny with tears, and Emma doesn't even bother telling her to go because if the roles were reversed, Emma wouldn't leave Ruby alone either.

"He was supposed to marry me. We were supposed to grow old together", Emma says and bites her lip; Ruby ducks her head, looking away from Emma's pain and staying silent rather than give her empty words.

The only person who can put Emma's broken heart back together fell asleep forever, and she didn't even get a chance to say goodbye, to hold him until it was over, and that's what kills her the most.

She became a nurse to help soldiers, to ease their pain, but she was unable to comfort the one who means the most to her, the one who loved her so much, the one who made her fly even without wings.

"You need to stop sneaking around with Whale", Emma says abruptly and cuts Ruby her off when she looks up and tries to speak. "I know I told you it's not a good idea, but if you're serious about him, you need to let him know."

"Okay, I will", Ruby says quickly, and Emma prays that her friend never has to find out what happens when you don't get enough time with the person you love.

"I lost my pilot, so you need to hold on to your doctor as tightly as you can", Emma tells her and when she starts crying again Ruby leans in and holds her, promising her that it will get better, that she'll find a way to get over losing Killian.

Emma doesn't think she will, but she doesn't blame Ruby for saying it because it's the only thing she can tell her right now.

There's no comfort to be had for Emma, there's just getting through the night.

* * *

**Review?**


	9. Breathing Under Water

**First: Killian is NOT dead; Emma just thinks he is. Second, thank you for all the reviews, and I hope you keep reading despite Gremma parts (there won't be a Gremma baby, I promise); next chapter is more of that, and then Killian comes back and there's a lot of angst to be had. New chapter coming on Thursday!**

* * *

For days, Emma doesn't leave her bed except to go to the bathroom. Ruby brings her food she barely touches, the sun goes up and the sun goes down, but she's cold and completely detached from the rest of the world.

Since she lost Killian, nothing matters to her anymore.

"You have to eat", Ruby says and Emma dives under the sheet like a child, keeping her eyes closed and her back turned to the room and her friend, but it doesn't make the pain any easier to bear.

She's not crying anymore, she's living in the memories, holding Killian's ring in her hand and telling herself that she can still remember how his arms had felt around her if she focuses hard enough.

After a week, she has to go back to work, and it's the hardest thing to leave her little cocoon and go out, but she does it because she's still a Navy Nurse, and she still has a duty to her country.

The hospital is as quiet as usual and her fellow nurses tell Emma how sorry they are, and how good she looks even though it's a lie; she's got dark circles under her eyes and she didn't even bother to put on the red lipstick before she came to work.

Graham shows up around lunchtime and they go sit on the bench in the small courtyard outside of the hospital, neither of them bothering to bring something to eat.

After a few minutes of silence, Emma finally musters up the courage to apologize for her behavior on the day he came to tell her about Killian, her voice breaking when she says his name.

She can't get used to the idea that he's not somewhere underneath that big blue sky anymore.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I came to tell you the worst news imaginable, and it showed", Graham says and Emma nods, but she can't really look at him without seeing him coming out of the car to wreck her dreams.

"I never asked you how are you taking it", she says softly and sees his shrug out of the corner of her eye.

"He was my best friend, I love him like a brother, and I let him down", Graham says and Emma looks at him with a confused frown.

"What do you mean?" She asks softly, and it's Graham's turn to look away.

"He told me he was volunteering for the Eagle Squadron, and it never occurred to me to do the same; I can't help wondering what would've happened if I did, if I was his wingman... maybe he wouldn't be dead now if I was", he says, staring at his hands while Emma stares at the ocean.

"Or maybe you both would be", she tells him softly, and he looks so utterly broken that she doesn't fight the impulse to hug him; he had offered her comfort when she wasn't ready to take it, but he doesn't have the same problem.

"In his letters, he kept telling me to take care of you, and I kept telling him to stay alive so I wouldn't have to", Graham whispers next to her ear and Emma takes a shuddery breath, trying not to imagine a scenario in which Graham was the one to go, and Killian was the one she would hug like this in an attempt to comfort him.

Guilt takes her breath away, but she closes her eyes and pretends she's holding Killian.

* * *

Getting home proves to be a challenge because the town is busy, streets filled with sailors, and, what's worse, pilots; the uniforms alone make her want to scream, but some of them also have dark hair and it's just too much.

They aren't Killian, but from a distance they look so much like him that her foolish heart doesn't know how to protect itself from hope.

By the time Emma gets home she's a complete mess, and she slams the door on the world, turning around to find her mother doing the dishes in the kitchen.

"Mom?" Emma says uncertainly, hovering in the doorway and wondering if maybe she's starting to see things that aren't there.

At this point, she wouldn't even be surprised if that were the case.

"Emma", Mary Margaret says softly and walks over to her with hands still wet, but Emma falls into her arms gratefully, clinging to her mother the way she hadn't since she was very, very little.

"What are you doing here?" Emma asks when they finally separate and sits at the table while Mary Margaret makes them hot chocolate; she hadn't had any since she came to Hawaii and she only realizes how much she had missed it when she takes the first sip of the hot, sweet liquid.

"Ruby called", Mary Margaret says softly, and Emma ducks her head, avoiding her mother's sad eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to burden you", Emma lies and bites her lip in an attempt not to cry. "I'm sorry."

The truth is, she couldn't bring herself to say the words.

"Oh Emma. It's not your job to protect me", Mary Margaret tells her and reaches out her hand for Emma's.

"I know, but after what you went through with dad…" Emma trails off and stares at the tabletop, trying to hold in the questions she's desperate to ask.

She wants to ask her mother how did she survive losing the love of her life.

She wants to ask her if being pregnant made it harder or easier.

"That's exactly why you should've told me", Mary Margaret says and Emma nods a few times, takes a sip of her hot chocolate and finds that she can't find her voice. "When I lost David, I was in my third trimester. Everybody told me that I need to keep it together, that I can't cry because it could harm my baby, so I didn't cry."

"You didn't cry?" Emma asks, completely stunned because she had seen her mother crying so many times during her childhood that she had always thought it's just something mothers did.

"Just the day they told me he died, but after that, not even once until you were born", Mary Margaret says with a faint smile. "It was torture, but I already lost him, and I couldn't lose you as well."

"I wish I was pregnant", Emma says and her face crumples because she doesn't even have the comfort of knowing that a part of Killian is growing inside her.

"Don't do that to yourself, Emma", Mary Margaret tells her and leans closer to wipe away her tears.

"I miss him so much, Mom", Emma says and pushes her hot chocolate away so she can rest her elbows on the table, her head cradled in her hands.

"I know, sweetheart. I know it hurts and I know you can't imagine ever getting over him, but he wouldn't want you to spend your life alone, loving a ghost."

"Mom, you did exactly the same thing", Emma chokes out and her mother caresses her arm until she finds the strength to look at her.

"I did, and I think I shouldn't have. I should've found somebody to love us both, and I think I would've been a much better mother to you if I had."

"You were a good mother", Emma says automatically, but they both know it's not really true.

"I love you, and I always had, but I wasn't there for you the way I should have", Mary Margaret says and leans her forehead against Emma's, and they stay like that for a while.

"I'm glad you're here", Emma says, and accepts her mother's warm embrace.

* * *

Sometimes Emma lies awake, reliving the day she had met Killian.

Sometimes she imagines herself writing a note on his file that says he fainted after receiving his shot, and consequently, a doctor in charge stamping the red words "rejected" on his file.

Sometimes she wishes she had taken his wings even if it means she wouldn't have gotten to know him and love him like she does.

At least he'd be alive.

* * *

The summer is endless and scorchingly hot, the war in Europe rages on, and Emma sleepwalks through life, rereading Killian's letters and holding onto his memory as tightly as she can.

It's been three months since he had died, and she still can't convince herself that he's really gone.

Graham pops up at work a few times every week to check how she's doing and she finds it easier to talk to him about Killian than it is to either Ruby or her mother, who had found a tiny apartment on the island and refused to leave Emma to her own devices.

It's nice, but because she's not used to her mother hovering over her, it's also slightly annoying.

"Killian promised he'd take me flying someday", Emma says and Graham puts down his sandwich, contemplating her words for quite some time; he looks torn, and she can't figure out exactly why.

"Did he now?" Graham says noncommittally and goes back to eating his lunch.

"I think I'd feel closer to him up there", Emma says wistfully and tilts her head back to look at the cloudless sky, fighting the tears at the thought that it was the last thing Killian saw before his plane was shot down. "But I guess I'll never know."

"Do you want me-", Graham starts to say then cuts himself off, and Emma feels a surge of hope at the possibility of seeing the Earth from above after all.

"Can you take me?" She blurts out and Graham tries to hide a smile at her eagerness, his eyes sparkling with mischief the way she'd never seen them before.

"Come by the base this afternoon. We're going to figure something out", he tells her and Emma feels like she's finally thawing after a long, long winter.

* * *

Ruby thinks it's a date, and when she sees Emma's face, hastens to add that there's nothing wrong with her moving on from Killian.

"I'm not moving on, especially not with his best friend", Emma tells her icily, and flees the bungalow before Ruby can say anything else.

By the time she reaches the base, she's convinced that she should turn around and go back home even though she's fairly certain that Graham knows it's not a date.

At least not with him.

Tears prickle her eyes but Emma lengthens her steps, raising her chin and deciding to just tell Graham it's not a date in case he's really got the wrong idea.

She finds him tinkering with his plane, and he doesn't look the least bit disappointed when she tells him that they are just friends; he hands her his jacket, helps her up on the wing, and then waits for her to join him in the cockpit.

"It's going to be a little crowded", Graham says apologetically, but Emma shrugs and settles on his lap, huddling deeper into his jacket until they reach the runway.

"What happens if they find out about this?" She asks as the plane picks up speed, her stomach dropping when its nose starts going up.

"They kick me out of the Air Force", Graham says casually but Emma is too busy digging her fingers in his forearm to care for the possible consequences.

They are flying, and the world looks amazing from up here; all she can see is the sky and the ocean, and it's like looking into Killian's eyes again.

"You alright, Lieutenant?" Graham asks, humor coloring his voice, but Emma hears Killian's lilting accent, and she focuses on the way her body feels, so weightless and free here among the cotton candy clouds.

If there's a Heaven, she thinks that Killian must be in it, and now that she's flying, she thinks that he can see her too, so she smiles and hopes he knows how much she loves him.

The sun is setting and it looks so beautiful, its last rays coloring the clouds orange, and Emma realizes for the first time that it's possible holding on to Killian and keeping all the love she has for him in her heart without feeling like she's going to fall apart without him.

He's everywhere around her, and he had loved her so much that it left a mark on the sky, a mark that she can see every time she looks up.

"It's peaceful up here", Graham says softly and breaks her out of her reverie, reminding her of his presence.

"It is", she agrees and gives him a beaming smile, wishing she could tell him how much this means to her, but knowing that she can't.

She wants to keep this flight between her and Killian.

"Thank you", she says simply, and Graham winks at her, then sends the plane into a roll that makes her scream, and then laugh. "Don't do it again!"

"Are you sure?" He asks and Emma chuckles, her heart hammering against her ribcage and making her realize that she's feeling alive for the first time in months.

"Maybe just once more", she agrees and holds onto Graham when the sky and the ocean trade places again.

She's drowning in Killian's eyes in the best way possible.

* * *

**Review?**


	10. Waking Up

**Thank you so much for all the reviews; I know it hurts, but believe me, it's going to get much worse when Killian returns in the new chapter****, which is going to be published on Saturday because Graham and Emma are going to be together.  
**

* * *

"How was your date with Graham?" Ariel asks as soon as she walks into the supply room the next day, making both Emma and Ruby widen her eyes in surprise. "Eric told me."

"It wasn't a date", Emma says quickly, ignoring Ruby's satisfied smirk.

"Nice try, Em", she says and turns to Ariel in anticipation.

"It wasn't!" Emma exclaims, exasperated and annoyed with both of them.

"Eric said that Graham took you flying", Ariel says stubbornly and Ruby nods in agreement. "That sounds like a date to me."

"I don't date pilots", Emma says, expecting them to back off; Ariel excuses herself, uncomfortable with Emma's grief, but Ruby doesn't even bat an eyelash.

"Killian died months ago. When are you going to let him go?" she asks and Emma can't believe her ears.

"I can't let him go, Ruby, because he was the love of my life and now he's gone. What do you expect me to do, try to fall in love with his best friend hoping it will ease the pain? It's not happening", Emma tells her, her voice surprisingly steady because she can feel tears prickling her eyes.

The very idea of moving on from Killian with his best friend is making her uncomfortable.

"In case you didn't notice, Graham is already in love with you, and you keep stringing him along", Ruby tells her and lies her hand on Emma's shoulder. "Nobody is going to blame you if you try to be happy, Em."

"I'm not ready", Emma says faintly and Ruby envelops her in a brief, fierce hug, then wipes her tears away and gives her a reassuring smile.

"Killian would understand", she says and when she leaves the room Emma looks down at the ring hanging around her neck, tracing the insignia on it with her finger before she tucks it under her uniform and goes back to work.

* * *

Emma avoids Graham for about a week, and then runs into him outside of a diner in the center of town. When he asks her to join him for coffee, she says "yes" without meaning to and then spends half an hour trying to figure out how to tell him that they aren't on a date.

He makes her laugh, he doesn't try to touch her hand across the table, and gradually she relaxes, even letting him walk her home.

"Maybe we can do this again soon", he says tentatively, and she bites her lip, meets his green eyes and nods.

"Maybe", she tells him and he grins at her like she'd just promised him the moon before he walks backwards and turns around, leaving her feeling strangely light and hopeful.

It's only when she enters her bedroom and sees Killian's shirt on her pillow that she realizes they haven't talked about him at all, and she feels like they've both betrayed him.

Emma sits on her bed and hugs Killian's shirt to her chest, pressing her nose against its folds even though it stopped smelling like him a long time ago.

* * *

Graham walks up to the nurses' station and Ruby gives Emma a pointed look before she ushers all the other nurses out.

"They don't have to go", he says and raises his eyebrows at Ruby's abrupt departure while Emma blushes fiercely and tries to come up with a plausible explanation.

"They think we're dating", Emma blurts out and gives Graham a nervous smile, her fingers playing with the edge of her apron.

"I see. What do you think?" He asks her with a smile that would make any other girl fall into his arms, and all she feels is a tiny cloud of butterflies in her stomach.

She supposes it's better than nothing.

"I think I like you", she tells him and his smile grows, making his eyes dance with joy the way she had never seen before.

"I like you too, Emma", he says, and she's glad that the way he says her name is different than the way Killian used to say it.

She's glad that Graham and Killian don't have anything in common; where Killian's hair was straight and black, Graham's is curly and brown, Killian's eyes were blue, Graham's are green, Killian used to be the life of the party and Graham is always on the sidelines, and even their accents don't sound anything alike.

"Would you like to have another coffee with me after work?" Graham asks her, and she's incredibly grateful that he seems to understand her need to take this slow.

"Okay", she agrees and he nods, slowly leaning in to press a kiss against her cheek and giving her plenty of time to step back.

She stays where she is, and it feels nice.

Killian's ring feels cold against her skin, silently accusing her, but she just ignores it.

* * *

For the first time since Killian went to war, Emma goes to bed and doesn't dream about him. She wakes up in the morning and lies awake staring at the ceiling as hot tears roll down her cheeks; it feels like she had lost him all over again, and she's got nobody to blame but herself.

Once she calms down enough to show her face in the kitchen, she eats and goes to visit Mary Margaret, feeling like her mother is the only person who could possibly understand her and give her some advice.

"Emma! What brings you here so early?" Mary Margaret asks when she opens the door and steps aside to let her daughter in, her eyes watching Emma carefully; they seem clearer than they had in years, and for a moment Emma hesitates with telling her why she'd come. "Hot chocolate?"

"Sure", Emma says, stalling for time because she knows that if she talks about Killian and Graham, it's going to mean talking about her father too, and it's a topic that inevitably makes her mother sad.

"Now, tell me", Mary Margaret demands when they settle on the couch in the living room, and Emma licks whipped cream off her finger before she starts talking.

"Was there ever anybody you thought you could fall in love with after Dad?" Emma asks and Mary Margaret closes her eyes for a moment before she gives Emma a surprisingly bright smile.

"There was", Mary Margaret says and Emma gapes at her, more than a little surprised that the answer is positive.

"But?" She asks softly, and Mary Margaret's face falls.

"But I wasn't ready to let your father go."

"How come I don't know about it?" Emma asks and watches her mother fidget with the sofa cover.

"You were eleven months old", Mary Margaret answers with a faint smile and Emma stays silent, allowing her to go on in her own time. "He was also a pilot, but he had never met your father; he came to a Christmas dinner held by one of my friends, and within half an hour you were bouncing on his knee."

"What happened?"

"He kissed me and I liked it, but I never returned his calls because I felt like I was betraying your father. Eventually he stopped calling and I just kept loving a ghost."

"Do you regret not even trying?" Emma asks and holds her breath even though she's pretty sure she knows the answer to that question.

"I do", Mary Margaret answers and reaches for Emma's hand. "If there's somebody you like, don't hesitate to let him in. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't, but either way, Killian is not coming back, and you need to live your life."

"Even if it means going out with his best friend?" Emma asks with a shaky smile and eyes rapidly filling with tears, sighing when Mary Margaret pulls her into a tight embrace.

"Even then", her mother says and Emma holds on, wishing she could see Killian's sky-filled eyes just one more time.

* * *

Graham waits for her when she exits the hospital and the sense of déjà vu is overwhelming; she still remembers doing exactly the same thing with Killian, but Graham seems oblivious and after a while she manages to focus on here and now instead of the past.

"You look beautiful", he tells her as they sip their drinks and Emma smoothes her hand down the front of her new dress, glad that Ruby had talked her into buying it.

"Thank you", she says and he gives her a sheepish smile.

"I know that this… you and me, together, probably seems weird to your friends", Graham says and Emma chuckles nervously.

"Actually, my friends keep telling me that I'd be crazy if I didn't give you a chance", she tells him and tilts her head to the side, watching him squirm. "I guess your friends aren't so enthusiastic."

"It's not that they don't like you", Graham says quickly and Emma arches a brow, watching him steadily over her cup of tea. "Even though I don't care if they like you or not."

"It's Killian, isn't it?" She asks softly and Graham looks a little uncertain, probably debating whether he should tell her or not. "It's okay. Trust me, I get it."

"They all see him as a hero, always have, and they are fiercely protective of him. Believe me, I've tried fighting my feelings for you for a long time, but I don't see the point anymore", Graham tells her and she nods slowly even though it's frightening to hear that for him, there are actual feelings already involved. "I'd like to think he'd rather have you be with me than some stranger."

Emma looks at him across the table, at his hopeful smile and bright eyes, and it's easy to convince herself that Killian would approve.

* * *

In the end, their date ends up lasting about four hours because Graham convinces her to come with him to see a play in the local theatre, and it's the best laugh she'd had in months.

This time, he lingers on the porch after he walks her home and Emma reaches for his hand, perfectly aware that he's going to let her call the shots because he doesn't want to frighten her away.

"I had fun", she tells him with a shy smile, debating whether she should kiss him or not.

The thing is, she wants to, because she needs to find out if she can bear it sooner rather than later.

"Me too", he tells him and when he leans down to give her a goodnight kiss she makes a split-second decision, abruptly turning her head so that his lips land on the corner of her mouth instead of on her cheek.

Instead of going for another try, he pulls away, but she tugs on his hand and brings him back to her, their lips finally meeting; Graham tastes like coffee and smells like the forest, his hand pressing against the small of her back is infinitely gentle, and even if she tried she couldn't find a fault to the way he kisses her.

And yet, there's something missing, something she can't quite put into words, but she'd come too far to stop now, so she keeps kissing him, tilting her head and slipping her tongue into his mouth, her fingers tangling in his hair and stopping him from pulling away too soon.

When they separate, it's just far enough so they can catch their breath, but the happiness written all over his face is a little overwhelming so she lets go of him.

"Am I going to see you again?" He asks her when she takes a step toward the door, and she realizes that she had decided even before she'd kissed him that she won't run this time.

She had wasted too much time with Killian that way.

"Of course", she says and comes back to gives him another quick kiss, then escapes into the bungalow and leans against the door, standing there in the dark until her heart rate returns to normal.

When she glances out the window on her way to the bathroom, she realizes that Graham is still standing on the porch where she had left him, and she's almost breathless with melancholy.

That night, she dreams about Killian again, and even though she feel guilty because it would've made more sense if Graham was the one who had visited her dreams, it's also a relief.

She's just not ready to let Killian go.

* * *

**Review?**


	11. I Promised

**As you probably expected, Emma's and Killian's reunion is going to be really angsty, but at least he's finally back; thanks for sticking with me through Gremma, and enjoy the feels now that CS is sort of back. New chapter tomorrow because I finally finished the first draft!**

* * *

On the first day of December Ruby waits for Emma in the living room and hands her a letter, carefully watching her as if she's going to fall apart any second now.

Emma looks at the envelope, sees Killian's handwriting, and the room spins around her.

"I'm so sorry, Em. You know how slow the post can be", Ruby says but Emma ignores her and stumbles out on the porch, gasping for breath and wishing she could run away from all this so she never has to read Killian's letter.

She can't do that because she thought that she had already read Killian's last letter, and it's a little miracle that she got another one, even if it shatters her hard-earned peace.

She's with Graham now, but she can't believe she didn't realize sooner that her heart will always belong to Killian.

Emma sits on the bench outside the bungalow and holds the letter in her hands lovingly, trying to prolong the moment, trying to hold onto this faint echo of Killian for as long as she can.

Eventually, she opens it, and inside is the answer to the question she had asked in the last letter she had sent him.

_Yes, my love, the ring is my promise to you, a promise that I will return to marry you and care for you for as long as I may live._

Emma closes her eyes and imagines herself walking down the aisle, then presses her hand to her mouth and realizes that Ruby had every right to be worried.

The letter was enough to make her fall apart again, but even though her heart is utterly shattered, she can't help feeling grateful for it, because at least now she knows that she hadn't been foolish when she dreamt about a future with Killian, because he had been doing the same.

He saw them growing old together, and it's like a soothing balm on her still-open wounds.

* * *

In her dream, Emma is lying on the warm sand with her head on Killian's shoulder, watching the clouds drift by and giggling when he tickles her side.

"Don't do that!" She exclaims and wiggles in an attempt to get away, but she's trapped between his arm and his body and he's not letting her go.

"You know you love it", he murmurs and shifts her so she's lying on top of him, then starts showering her face with kisses until she's laughing so hard she can't breathe.

"You are ridiculous", Emma tells him and he gives her one of those insufferable grins that always make her heart beat faster.

"But you love me anyway, don't you, Swan?" He asks, and he looks so warm and honest that she doesn't mind him asking.

"I love you so much", she tells him and kisses him passionately, smiling against his lips when he wraps his arms around her so tightly that there's not a breath of air between their bodies.

"Emma! Emma, wake up!" Ruby yells and shakes her shoulder and Emma wakes up with a start, slowly sitting up on the sofa and trying to get her bearings.

"Why did you wake me?" She asks sharply and Ruby tilts her head toward the clock wordlessly. "Oh God, Graham."

"Yeah", Ruby says and Emma feels bad for snapping at her, but she can't help being mad at her for interrupting her dreaming about Killian, even if she's supposed to go out with Graham in fifteen minutes.

Ruby walks out of the living room, and Emma puts her head in her hands, trying to come up with a way to fix her messy life even though she already knows it's futile.

If she intends to really be with Graham, she should let Killian go, and she can't bring herself to do it because she never wants to stop dreaming about him.

* * *

Graham doesn't know, but Emma still takes Killian's letters out from time to time, but a few days after the last letter arrives, she realizes that she needs to stop if she's hoping to ever make a life with Graham.

And so, she finds a box and puts all Killian's letters in it, her hand hovering over his ring that's still hanging around her neck for a moment before she decides to keep it. Maybe she's going to take it off someday, but she's nowhere near ready for it yet.

For now, Graham understands, and she's grateful for that.

Emma kisses her hand and closes the lid of the box, then puts it deep into her closet where she won't be tempted to reach for it.

"Goodbye, Killian", she says softly and closes the door, wipes a few tears away, and goes to get ready for work.

* * *

Emma finishes doing the inventory of the supplies, gathers her things and walks out of the hospital, rummaging through her purse to make sure she didn't take the keys of the medicine cabinet with her again, and it's the reason she runs right into a hard, male body.

She looks up and finds Killian standing in front of her, his hand on her waist steadying her, his smile making her forget how to breathe.

"Good evening, love", he says softly, and Emma reaches out to touch him, her palm resting right above his hammering heart.

He looks like a ghost, but he isn't one.

"You're alive", she says, her fingers grasping the material of his uniform, her eyes locked on his; it feels like a dream, but as soon as he pulls her closer and kisses her, his lips molding over hers as perfectly as ever, she realizes it's not.

Emma sighs, tangles her fingers in his hair and finds that she still remembers how to fly.

It takes them a long time to separate, but even when their lips do, their foreheads remain pressed against each other as they keep breathing the same air, reveling in each other's presence.

"I dreamed about this for so long", he whispers and Emma only realizes that she's crying when his hand leaves her waist, his fingers brushing the tears away.

"I thought I lost you", she chokes on a sob and reaches for his free hand to find him flinching at her touch. "Killian."

He steps back and into the pool of light from the street lamp, and Emma sees that he's thinner than he used to be, his eyes are dark and haunted, and the hand that she had reached for is badly burned, his fingers eerily still.

"Killian", she repeats his name softly, and it finally downs on her that even though he had escaped the war, he didn't escape it intact.

And yet, he'd never been more beautiful to her.

"Shhhh, I'm okay", he tells her and gives her his good hand, and she lets him lead her to a bench nearby where she sits next to him and tries to smile.

"You came back", she says and leans forward until her cheek is resting on his shoulder, her arm wrapped around his waist gently because she's not sure what else aside from his hand had been hurt.

"Does that surprise you?" He asks, mirth coloring his voice, and Emma's stomach drops when she remembers Graham.

She pulls away slowly and with a heavy heart, and Killian's face falls even though there's still hope in his eyes, hope she doesn't want to crush, but knows she has to if they hope to rebuild themselves again.

"You died, Killian. And so did I", she says and chokes on a sob because she can only guess what he's been through, and she's so afraid that her admission is going to break him.

"Lass, I am so sorry", he tells her and gently rubs the back of her hand with his thumb while she keeps her head down and her eyes closed. "I was in occupied France and I couldn't send a word out."

"It's just so unfair", she cries and he lets go of her hand so he can tilt her head up with a finger underneath her chin.

His ruined hand stays motionless in his lap.

"I'm here now", he says, and for the first time there's uncertainty in his eyes, but only until he notices his ring hanging around her neck. "You're still wearing it."

"I still love you", she tells him, tears rolling down her face like they are never going to stop because she doesn't have the words to tell him that she had tried moving on with Graham.

"Our love saved my life", he tells her and kisses her cheeks, tenderly trying to help her stop crying.

"I thought you were dead", she says again and a shadow passes over his face as he finally catches on to the fact that this is not the kind of reunion he'd been dreaming about.

"But I'm not", he says, still trying to smile, still trying to hold onto hope, and she doesn't think she had ever loved him more, which makes saying what she needs to say even harder.

Emma leans in and gives him another kiss, sighing against his mouth because she wants to stay like this, wants to fall back into his arms and pick things up where they had left them off.

But she can't, so she pulls back and looks him right in those forget-me-not eyes she had missed so much as she says the hardest words she ever had to say.

"I'm dating Graham", she whispers and he frowns, looking so confused and lost that she doesn't know what to do with him.

"No. Emma, please. I came back", he says and she can't bear the pain in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I love you, and I died with you", she tells him and cups his face in both of her hands. "He was kind and we spend some time together, but I don't love him. I still love you. I will always love you, but I was so lonely and he was good to me."

Killian closes his eyes and gathers both her wrists in his hand, making her let him go.

"I was afraid that something like this might happen, but I kept telling myself that you're going to wait, that we're going to find our happy ending somehow", he says, his voice trembling, his hand shaking before it releases hers.

"I waited, Killian. I wrote to you every day and I waited, and I cried myself to sleep every night for four months when you were gone", she says, her voice rising in desperation. "Please, you have to believe me."

Killian opens his eyes and gives her a sad, sad, smile.

"I understand. I'm too late; I promised you that I would come back, and I'm too late", he says brokenly and Emma shakes her head, blinking back tears and trying to take both his hands in hers, but he stands up abruptly and takes a step back from the bench.

"Killian, please don't do this", she says and jumps to her feet, but doesn't try to come closer to him because she can see it would only make him retreat further.

"What do you want from me, Swan? Should I just open my arms and forget about what happened between you and my best friend while I was fighting for my life?" He asks her, and it's her turn to take a step back.

"It wasn't like that!" She yells and he flinches, then stares at something over her shoulder as a muscle works in his jaw.

Emma looks over her shoulder and finds Graham standing behind her, but she turns back to Killian without meeting his eyes.

"I love you", she says, loud enough so that Graham can hear it too; she wishes it didn't have to be this way, but if she has to hurt one of them, she'd rather it be Graham than Killian. "I was with him, but I never stopped loving you."

"Congratulations on getting this one, mate. She really is a keeper", Killian says to Graham, turns on his heel and walks away without even bothering to say goodbye.

Emma feels like she'd been slapped, but she's fairly certain she deserves it.

"Don't worry, Emma. I'll talk some sense into him", Graham says and walks past her, following Killian into the dark, and leaving her standing in the middle of the courtyard all alone.

Tears come quicker now, blurring her vision and making her stumble back to the bench; she sinks down onto it and tries not to think, tries not to come up with better ways of explaining to Killian what had happened between her and Graham.

It's too late for that anyway.

* * *

**Review?**


	12. War

**Thank you for all the reviews and keep reading; Emma is going to explain to Killian why she tried to be with Graham. Still, there's a long way to go for Killian and Emma, but as always, there's going to be a happy ending.**

* * *

Killian stumbles into his motel room and stars wrestling his uniform off, fumbling with the buttons and eventually pulling the shirt off over his head. His head is pounding and it's difficult to draw a breath; it seems like the walls are closing in on him, but that's not the worst part.

The worst part is that he's all alone.

A tear rolls down his cheek and he wipes it away with his knuckles, feeling raw and so very tired, but he knows better than trying to sleep; if he closes his eyes, he's going to watch the love of his life kiss his best friend until he goes under and starts having nightmares, and tonight, he doesn't think he can take that.

Tonight, he wants to drink until he falls and forgets everything that had happened.

He changes into slacks and a simple white T-shirt with a button down over it, but he doesn't have the patience to try and do the buttons; he glances at his left hand and looks away immediately, wondering if he's ever going to get used to the valleys and peaks of burned flesh and the fact that he can't feel it at all.

Probably not.

Out of the corner of his eye he catches sight of a picture peeking out from the inside pocket of his duffle bag and he kneels next to it, unable to stop himself from reaching for it. His hand trembles, and he balls it into a tight fist for a moment, then takes the picture out and stares at Emma's blonde curls and her beaming smile.

She looks like an angel, and his heart is a raw, broken thing inside his chest, making him wish it could turn to stone so he couldn't tell it's there anymore.

For four long, painful months, he'd been dreaming about his angel, about his Swan girl waiting for him to come home, where he would finally be able to rest and heal in her arms, and he had managed to convince himself that she would wait for as long as it took for him to return.

He believed a lie because even the possibility of finding her with somebody else made him too panicky, but it wasn't even in his worst nightmares that he saw her moving on with his best friend.

Killian caresses the picture with his thumb and puts it back into his bag, then leaves the motel room and heads for the closest bar.

* * *

It's not even 9 p.m. yet, but Killian is on his fifth shot, reminiscing with Eric and Jefferson when Graham comes in, looking relieved that he'd found Killian there.

All the pilots in the bar who know them suddenly find their glasses incredibly interesting.

"Have a drink", Killian says and pours Graham a generous amount of rum.

"Can we talk in private?" Graham says, ignoring the drink and pissing Killian off.

"No, we bloody well can't", he snaps and downs the shot meant for Graham.

"We're gonna go", Eric says and tries to slide from his bar stool, but Killian grabs his shoulder and shakes his head.

"If anybody's leaving, it's Humbert", he says and Eric gives up, exchanging a long look with Jefferson and going back to his beer.

"You're drunk", Graham says and anger courses through Killian's veins.

"And you're an appalling friend", Killian tells him flatly. "That's new."

"You told me to take care of her if something happens to you", Graham says, and Killian hates how he makes it sound like Killian's the one being unreasonable.

"I didn't tell you to start banging her five minutes after I died", Killian yells at him, flashes of Emma rising over Graham like a goddess that she is making him wish he really were dead.

"You were dead for over four months the first time I kissed her and we never-"

"Spare me the details, I'd rather not know", Killian talks over him and pours himself another round.

"Didn't you hear what she said?! She loves you!" Graham says, and Killian feels a tiny pang of compassion for his ex best friend, but he chases it away with another shot.

"Obviously not enough", Killian says and gives Graham a mock salute. "She's all yours, Lieutenant."

"You need to go home and sleep it off", Graham says, ignoring his last remark, and Killian chuckles into his shot glass.

"Home? Emma was my home, she was the only thing I had left, and now-", he trails off and grits his teeth, telling himself to shut up, but there's too much alcohol in his system for him to keep quiet. "You know, when I finally woke up in that field hospital in France and realized that I can't feel my hand, much less move my fingers, it felt like the world had ended. I knew they would never let me fly again like this, but I told myself to suck it up because I still had the only thing that matters in life; true love. Thanks for proving me wrong."

"That's enough. I'm cutting you off", Graham says after a moment of stunned silence and snatches the bottle out of Killian's reach.

Killian gets up and punches him right in the jaw, making him stumble back into a couple of sailors. The rum bottle falls on the floor and shatters, and the room erupts in violence; the sailors attack Graham, Eric and Jefferson jump to help him, and Killian has to duck to avoid getting knocked out by a mountain of a man that's obviously with the sailors.

Then the owner of the bar calls the MP, and Killian finds himself running away from them with Graham at his side.

"This way!" Graham yells and steers him toward his car, and for a moment they are brothers again.

* * *

Killian wakes up to the sound of buzzing that sounds suspiciously like a bunch of planes going into a fight.

"Somebody should tell those idiots in the Navy that it's Sunday", Graham groans and Killian opens his eyes to find himself lying on the back seat of Graham's car.

The buzzing grows more insistent and Killian sits up, squinting up at the sky just as the first explosion shakes the ground; a bouquet of black flowers blossoms over the harbor followed by the groaning of Oklahoma's hull and screams of sailors that carry all too well over the water.

"What the-", Graham jumps up on the seat to see better, and Killian pulls him down a second before a rain of bullets sings through the air.

For a moment, Killian is back in his plane, burning and crying for help, but then Graham yells at him to let go and Killian snaps himself to the present, keeping low in the passenger seat while Graham starts the car and drives away.

"Does this mean what I think it means?" Graham asks, his face pale and serious, and Killian nods, watching the Japanese bombers drop their deadly cargo over two dozen ships and God knows how many sailors on them.

"Just find us each a plane", Killian says and Graham shifts into a higher gear, heading for the base.

Despite all the madness happening around him, Killian's eyes are drawn to the hospital, to the last place he'd seen Emma at, and he silently prays that she's going to stay safe.

He doesn't care what happens to him or any other person on this island as long as Emma Swan remains unharmed.

It takes them less than five minutes to reach Hickam Field, and they barely make it to a bunker before a squadron of Zeroes breaks through the clouds to shower the planes and the pilots running toward them with machine-gun fire.

"Get me to a bloody plane, Humbert!" Killian bellows once the first wave flies over them and Graham leads him and a few others from their squadron toward the hangar closest to them.

And then he makes a phone call.

"Leroy? Yeah, looks like it. Fuel and arm as many planes as you can and pray that we get there before the Japs!"

"Where are we going?" Killian asks as they race back across the runway toward Graham's car, already trying to figure out a way to fly a plane with just one good hand.

"There's an auxiliary field in Haleiwa that hasn't been hit yet", Graham yells as they duck for cover when another wave of Zeroes peppers them with bullets. "Are you sure you can fly? I mean, your hand-"

"Forget my bloody hand!" Killian yells and ignores his concerned look, and then they are diving into the car, Eric and Jefferson joining them along with two pilots Killian doesn't know.

"Gun it, Graham!" Jefferson practically screams and Graham drives at break-neck speed to reach the field before it gets leveled with the ground, an occasional bullet flying over their heads; they can't see the harbor from here, but they can see the sky over it, and it's black with smoke.

Killian grips the door handle tightly and flinches when a bullet whizzes past his ear, making him realize that he's nowhere near ready to die yet.

He needs to tell Emma that he loves her at least one more time.

The runway is still miraculously spared when Graham pulls to a stop in front of the only hangar and all of them tumble out of the car.

A short, bald Sergeant wearing a cap that says Leroy comes to meet them and points at the three planes behind him, a shotgun slung on his shoulder.

"That's all I've got", he says, his sharp eyes resting on Killian a little while longer than on any other pilot.

"He flew in the Eagle Squadron", Graham says and Leroy gives Killian an approving nod, then glances toward Killian's hand before he waves them to follow him.

Killian gets into the first plane, Graham in the second, and Jefferson in the third, and it's hard not to wonder which one of them won't be coming back from this flight.

"Hand on the control wheel", Leroy says and rolls his eyes when Killian looks at him in confusion. "Come on, pretty boy, do you want to fly today or what? Put the busted hand on the wheel so I can tie it and we can get this show in the air."

Killian does as he's told and rushes through the pre-flight checks while Leroy secures his hand, and then he's ready to go.

"Thank you, Serg."

"Don't make me regret it", Leroy says and mock salutes him before jumping down from the wing and yelling at his men to clear the runway.

Killian looks over at Graham and gives him a tight nod, and then they move out from the hangar, slowly increasing their speed down the runway.

Jefferson is ahead of them, but before he can get in the air, a Zero flies over their heads and comes low on the deck, lining its sights on their friend.

"Turn! Right now Jefferson!" Killian screams into his microphone and Jefferson ends up with a wing buried into a shack next to the runway, but hopefully he's in one piece. "Graham, let's show him how it's done."

"Roger that", Graham says and a minute later they are in the air, chasing Zeroes across the sky, watching each other's back the way they've been doing their entire lives.

The island looks like it's on fire, and Killian can't help thinking about Emma, so delicate and beautiful amidst the carnage, and for the next hour he does everything in his power to bring down as many enemy planes as he can.

Once it's over, and he climbs down from his plane, his hand is shaking and he feels like he might collapse any second now, but he makes himself put one foot in front of the other, his eyes finding Graham's because they have one more thing to do before they can sit down and take a breather.

They need to go see if the woman they both love is alright.

"Who taught you how to fly, Lieutenant?" Leroy asks Graham and he points at Killian before sliding behind the wheel of his car.

"He did", Graham says and waits for Killian to get in the car before they roar back on the road; Killian slumps low in his seat and blinks fast to clear his blurry vision, thinking how he'd never felt like this after a flight, but guessing it's to be expected, considering the fact that he just flew a four thousand pounds plane with just one properly working hand.

Getting into the hospital is another battle, but eventually they manage, and it's only when they round the corner to find Emma walking toward them, slightly swaying from exhaustion, but otherwise looking well, that Killian finally acknowledges that something is wrong with him.

He says her name but it comes out softer than a whisper and then the floor rises up to meet him; the last thing he sees before losing consciousness is her worried face floating over him.

* * *

**Review?**


	13. Broken Heroes

**I am so glad you like this AU, and I hope you enjoy the feels in this chapter too; Emma and Killian finally have time to talk a little, but there's still a long road ahead of them. Thank you for reading/reviewing/favoriting/following; every e-mail notification makes me smile and brightens my day!**

* * *

Even though it's only been two hours since the first bombs started to fall, Emma already feels exhausted, both physically and mentally. The fact that she had barely slept before the thundering of the scariest kind imaginable made her jump up from the couch she'd spent the night on doesn't help, but the wounded keep on coming and she doesn't have time to even think about sitting down for a moment.

The possibility that they could bring Graham or any other pilot from his squadron in chills her to the bone, and she studiously avoids thinking about Killian, still reeling from the wonderful, messy, miraculous revelation that he's alive.

And then he's walking toward her, Graham's presence barely registering because there's a relieved smile stretching Killian's lips when he sees her, quickly replaced with a frown before he stumbles and kisses the floor much like on the day they've met.

She's a million times more panicky now, running to him and rolling him over with Graham's help.

"What happened?" She asks, her eyes scanning him for injuries, but aside from his hand, he seems to be fine.

"I don't know, he didn't say anything, he just went down", Graham says and Emma runs her hands down his chest to discover that his side is wet under the black button down shirt he's wearing, its color hiding the blood seeping through his T-shirt.

Emma pushes the shirt aside, her heart slamming against her ribcage in fear of what she's going to find underneath, breath hitching in her throat when she finds a piece of shrapnel sticking out from his stomach a little above his hipbone.

"Can you carry him?" She asks Graham and he nods tightly, picks Killian up in fireman's carry and follows her down the hall; she doesn't bother yelling for the doctor because she knows they are all busy trying to save critical patients, and even though she's worried for Killian, she's still able to tell that he'd been incredibly lucky. "In here."

The room she leads Graham in is actually a doctor's office, but considering the circumstances, she doesn't think anybody's going to mind if she stashes Killian in here. Still, she spreads a clean sheet on the couch before she helps Graham set Killian down gently, then takes out the basic first aid kit from the closet by the door.

"Should we call someone?" Graham asks, fidgeting behind her when she sits in a chair next to Killian and takes his blood pressure.

"He's not bleeding internally. He'll be fine once I patch him up", Emma says and cuts through his T-shirt to reveal the wound, then gives him local anesthetic and leans in to wake him up. "Killian? Can you hear me?"

She slaps him a few times and his eyes snap open, her hands on his shoulders stopping him from sitting up.

"Killian, look at me. You need to relax and stay where you are, okay?" She tells him and he nods slowly and releases a shuddery breath, his hand going to his side, but Emma catches it and leads it to the leg of her chair. "You've been hit by shrapnel, so I need to pull it out before I can stitch you up."

Emma's voice sounds detached in her own ears, she can't for the life of her meet his blue gaze, and she hopes he won't take it as a sign that he'd been right when he accused her of moving on.

"Can you remember when did it happen?" She asks him and starts to arrange the supplies she's going to need on the table next to her, fully aware how awkward it is with the three of them in the same room, even after everything that had happened today.

"I think it's probably a piece of my plane; I got hailed pretty badly at one point, before Graham got that Zero off my tail", Killian says and it takes her a moment to process what he'd just said.

"You flew?!" She exclaims, their eyes finally meeting, and he holds her gaze for only a second; he takes her comment as betrayal, as not believing in him, and she had said it only with love and the deepest concern for him. "The two of you against God knows how many Japanese? Do you have a death wish or something?!"

Her voice breaks and she knows both men are looking at her in surprise, but she focuses her attention on Killian's wound and tells Graham to hold him down.

"It's gonna hurt", she says, and then goes to work.

The room is silent except for Killian's occasional grunt of pain.

"I have to go back to work", Emma announces as she tapes Killian's bandage in place, her fingers brushing over his skin; she's stalling because she doesn't want to leave before trying to talk to him in private.

"I should go to the harbor, see if I can help", Graham says, and Emma lies her hand in the center of Killian's chest gently but firmly just as he tries to get up.

Graham gives her a long look and leaves the room quietly, without saying anything else to either of them.

"You're staying here", she tells Killian, her eyes pleading with him to listen to her. "You did what you could; you won't help anybody if you go out there and tear your stitches open."

"Do you honestly expect me to lie around here while sailors are dying?" He asks, and she knows exactly what he's thinking, what he's afraid of.

"You're hurt. Please, Killian, don't go", she says and it's like déjà vu; she had asked him not to go once and he hadn't listened.

His eyes tell her that he can still read her like an open book, and she lets her hand brush against his arm before she stands up and finds him a blanket.

"I'll come check up on you soon", she says and gives him a tiny smile before going back to the chaos and horror of the aftermath of the attack.

Graham waits for her around the corner and she can't really say she's surprised.

"I'm sorry", she says, giving him the only thing she can give him today; her most sincere apology. "I love him and I can't be with you now that he's back, not even if he doesn't want me anymore."

It kills her to say that, to even think that Killian might never forgive her, but she owes Graham at least the truth, if she can't give him her love.

"I know. I think I always knew that you can never love me the way you love him, but I still needed to hear you say it", he says, and when he steps forward to kiss her forehead, she lets him, closing her eyes and wishing wholeheartedly that they had gotten together just a few weeks later.

"Be careful out there", she tells him when he turns to go and he gives her a brave smile and a firm nod before he walks out.

Emma takes a deep breath and goes to help put a few more soldiers together.

* * *

The day seems endless, and it's almost 5 p.m. when she remembers that she hadn't eaten anything in almost twenty-four hours, and since the same is probably true for Killian, she carries both of their lunches to the office she'd left him in.

He's not there.

Of course he's not there.

Emma fights the urge to smash his bowl of army beans into the wall and goes to feed one of the sailors who lost the use of their arms, eating her meal in between trying to convince him that his life isn't over.

It's an uphill battle, but she manages to make him swallow a few spoons before moving onto the next one, all along wondering where Killian is, wondering if he's going to collapse and smothering the instinct that makes her want to go looking for him.

It kills her to admit it, but it would be like trying to find a needle in a haystack and staying here means actually doing something productive.

She can't believe that she actually thought he'd listen to her.

* * *

By nightfall, every sailor is treated and fed, and Emma can finally rest. She knows she's too exhausted to make it home, so she goes back to the office, stopping dead in her tracks when she finds Killian sitting on the couch, holding a new shirt up with his teeth and gingerly poking the blood-stained bandage.

"You're okay", she says and her knees give out, the weight of everything that's happened since yesterday crashing on top of her all at once.

"Emma!" Killian calls her name and she starts crying, gasping for every breath and pressing her hands to her mouth because she doesn't want anybody outside this room hearing her. "Lass, shhhh, it's okay."

They both know that nothing is okay, but he still sits on the floor next to her and pulls her into what this morning was his bad side and now is his slightly better side, murmuring comforting nonsense into her hair, his hand resting limply on her waist.

"I'm sorry", she says over and over again, unable to stop crying, unable to stop imagining him looking like the wounded soldiers she had seen today; when he was like them, she was probably lying on a beach writing him another letter, blissfully unaware of the horror he's going through.

Killian doesn't say anything and she buries her face in his shoulder, so very grateful that he had come back even if it's just so she can change his bandage.

Emma makes herself pull away from him and wipes her eyes, somehow managing to calm down even if her chin is still trembling, even if she can't get over the fact that the love of her life doesn't want to be with her anymore.

"Let me see the stitches", she says and helps him up, then sits next to him on the couch and peels off the bandage as gently as she can. "You tore them all."

"It was worth it", he says and she looks up at him sharply.

"Was it?"

"It was", he says, and she falls into his sky-filled eyes as easily as she always did, her fingertips itching with the need to touch him, her heart racing because he's so close, and kissing him would be so easy.

He looks away and she gathers her supplies once again.

"There's no more anesthetic", she says apologetically and he shrugs, looking at his left hand almost wistfully.

"I lived through that, so I'm sure I can stand a couple of stitches", he says and Emma pushes a lock of hair out of her eyes with the back of her hand to distract herself from doing something stupid.

When she's done, they sit next to each other, close but not quite touching, Emma's hands folded in her lap, her head down when she speaks.

"When you died, it felt like I was drowning, but there was no reprieve, no finality of death. I never thought it was possible to miss somebody like that, to spend every waking moment in agony because the person you loved the most was gone and they are never coming back. And yet, it was", she says and looks up to find him looking at her with terrible sadness in his eyes. "I was never happier than when I realized that you're really standing in front of me."

"I'm sorry I left you", he says, his hand rising a little before he balls it into a fist and keeps it at his side. "There's not a day that goes by I don't regret it."

"Don't say it like that", she whispers, and his lips twitch a little, as if he's trying to smile but can't really pull it off.

"Like what?"

"Like it's over", she says, then shakes her head when he tries to speak. "Don't say it. I can't bear to hear it today."

Somehow, she finds the strength to get up and waves her hand at the couch.

"Get some sleep. I know you're gonna go out there in the morning, but I'm not letting you out of this room tonight", she says and his eyebrow shoots up, a brief flash of the Killian she fell in love with appearing out of nowhere and allowing her to keep hoping that maybe not all is lost.

Maybe they can find a way to be together again, maybe she can live with the horrible truth that she can lose him again at any given moment, and he can accept that she had tried to move on after she thought she'd lost him.

"What about you?"

"I have to make another round", she lies and arranges the blanket over him, his hand shooting up to capture her wrist.

"No you don't", he says and Emma closes her eyes and stands there until he releases her, then curls into the doctor's chair and falls asleep with his soft "good night" still ringing in her head.

She dreams that he's kissing her cheek, and when she wakes up in the morning he's gone, his blanket tucked around her.

* * *

**Review?**


	14. This Time You'll Stay

**I would apologize for all the angst but judging from your response to this fic, you seem to be enjoying it, so have some more, and thank you for reading.**

* * *

It's been a few weeks since the attack, and Emma had only seen Killian a handful of times; whenever he needs his bandages changed, he comes to her, and he sits quietly while she does it.

They don't really talk, but Emma still cherishes those stolen moments in which she manages to find some peace in all the chaos surrounding them.

Killian is looking at her, but she keeps her eyes on his stomach, focusing on what she needs to do to help him instead of thinking how much she wants him to kiss her.

She knows better than to try kissing him.

"You're working too much", he tells her abruptly and she shrugs, carefully pulling his t-shirt back down and turning away because she doesn't want him to know how much the simple fact that he'd noticed is affecting her.

"Everybody is working too much, Killian. Including you", she says and bites her lip because she knows exactly why he's doing it.

It's the same reason she barely goes back to the bungalow anymore, and why she's afraid to close her eyes.

Killian steps around her, his scent enveloping her when he brushes a lock of hair away from her face, his thumb brushing against her cheek before he shakes himself and his hand falls back against his side.

"Take care of yourself, Swan", he tells her and she looks up just in time to see the door close behind him.

She knows he still loves her, and it's killing her that he's not the one taking care of her anymore.

* * *

The number of casualties is staggering, and climbing every day; Emma is completely numb because inside the number, there are friends and acquaintances she's never going to see again.

There's too many dead for each of them to have their own funeral, and so Emma stands in a field of coffins with Ruby and Belle next to her, staring at her shoes and blinking back tears because one of the coffins is Ariel's; Eric is kneeling next to it, and she knows exactly how he feels.

Something makes her look up and her eyes find Killian; he's across the hangar from her, so tall and beautiful in his uniform, but she can't see his eyes under the brim of his hat and even from this far away she can tell that his jaw is clenched.

The priest says the same hollow words he did during Killian's memorial, and if anything, Emma is more furious at the injustice of it all than she was before; she swallows her tears and watches Whale hug Ruby, feeling an awful pang of jealousy that she shouldn't be feeling because Ruby is her best friend, and it's not her fault that she'd been lucky enough to find the love of her life and be able to keep him.

As soon as the funeral ends Emma starts walking away, too shaken up to stay and talk to anybody, but Graham steps into her path and braces his hands on her shoulders to help her keep her balance.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you like this, but we need to talk", he says and Emma nods shakily, glancing over her shoulder to find Killian watching them.

Graham releases her and she focuses her attention back on him, for once deciding to let Killian think whatever he wants; she knows she could talk to him until she's blue in the face, and he'd still believe what he wants.

"What's wrong?" She asks when she notices the way Graham is looking at her; it's the same look he'd given her when he came to tell her that Killian is dead. "Oh God. He's going back, isn't he?"

"He's not", Graham says, but Emma doesn't even have time to smile in relief before he continues. "I've gotten orders. Our whole squadron did."

"What kind of orders?" She asks cautiously even though she'd rather ask why is Killian staying behind.

She can't help wishing it was because of her, just this once.

"Secret kind", Graham says, and she's chilled to the bone because she knows what it means.

Dangerous kind.

"When do you leave?" She asks and he tilts his head, patiently waiting until she musters up the courage to look him in the eyes.

"Tonight", he tells her, and Emma can't help steal another glance over her shoulder.

Killian isn't there anymore.

"You could stay", she says weakly, tired of so many goodbyes, tired of waiting for the bad news.

Graham shakes his head and tells her that he can't, and all at once she realizes why Killian isn't going.

"They grounded him", she blurts out and Graham nods, his eyes flashing with pain because she can never just focus on him.

"They said that they can't let him fly the way he did on the day of the attack. He didn't take it well", Graham says and Emma has to take a deep breath in order to stop herself from chasing after Killian right this second.

"Exactly how did he fly?" She asks and Graham shakes his head, his smile showing her again how much he admires Killian.

"Most beautifully", Graham says and Emma blinks back tears, her hand reaching for his and holding on.

"I can't lose any more people", Emma tells him, squeezing his fingers, her eyes pleading with him before they blur with tears. "I just can't."

"It'll be alright", he says and pulls her in for a hug, holding her only briefly before he tells her goodbye and goes to join his squadron.

It's only after he's gone that she realizes he didn't say he would be alright.

* * *

Emma goes to see her mother, letting herself in and finding Mary Margaret on the small balcony in her apartment. It's facing away from the harbor and looking out over the city and the mountains, so there's nothing to remind them of what had happened a month ago.

The harbor still looks like a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and every time she goes by and sees Arizona shimmering beneath the surface Emma wants to cry.

There are 1177 families mourning their sons and husbands and brothers and fathers, and they all had to bury empty coffins.

"Please tell me you're finally taking the weekend off", Mary Margaret says and rubs Emma's back when she sits down next to her mother, leaning into her and playing with Killian's ring.

"I don't have a choice. My supervisor told me not to show my face around the hospital before Monday", Emma says and feel a pang of panic because she doesn't know what to do with all that free time.

She knows how to take care of everybody except herself.

"Did something else happen? Is it Killian?" Mary Margaret asks, and Emma nods mutely, but she's unable to talk to her about that because it seems unfeeling to complain about the way he's treating her because at least he's alive.

A miracle had happened and her pilot came back.

Her mother's never did.

"You can talk to me, you know. I won't break", Mary Margaret says with a knowing smile and Emma looks at her, then throws her arms around her mother's neck and just holds her; she seems frail, but she returns the hug fiercely and holds Emma as she talks about all her fears and hopes until she feels that much lighter than she did before.

"I can't tell you that you're going to find your happy ending with him, but you need to keep trying. He's hurt and if you give up on him, he's going to stay broken", Mary Margaret says and Emma nods, kisses her mother's cheek and goes to see if there's anything she can do to help Killian deal with the sting of rejection.

* * *

First, Emma checks his usual haunts; the bar, the harbor, the beach she had written him all those letters on.

She doesn't think he knows she did it there, but there's still something that draws him to it, and it's comforting because despite everything, they are still that intricately connected.

The reason she knows where he spends time when he's not helping clean up all the bomb damage is because she haunts those places too, but he never lingers once she arrives.

Tonight, he's not at any of those places and she finally goes to his motel room, the same one he'd been staying in since he'd arrived on the island.

She often wonders if anything would've been different if he hadn't come on the eve of the attack, if they had more time to work things out before the bombs started falling.

Emma knocks on the door and clasps her fingers together in front of her, patiently waiting for the door to open.

"Not tonight, Swan", he yells, slurring his words a little, but the message is loud and clear.

He knows that she knows he's grounded, and he's not in the mood to talk about it.

"Please let me in", she says and keeps knocking until he pulls open the door, but he leans his arm against the doorway, effectively blocking her from coming inside.

He's wearing his uniform slacks and the white undershirt, and there's a five o'clock shadow on his jaw, making him look dark and dangerous, but it's his eyes that scare her the most; there's no light left in them.

"What do you want?" He asks her and drinks rum straight from the bottle, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down when he swallows.

"Graham told me-"

"Humbert should learn to keep his mouth shut", Killian says bitterly and glances at his hand before swirling the rum in the bottle. "But where are my manners. Would you like a drink?"

He offers her the whole bottle, and surprise flashes in his eyes when she readily drinks from it.

Their fingers brush against each other when she hands it back to him and he gives her a sideways look before going back into the room, leaving the door opened.

She follows him inside and leans against the door, frowning when she sees his uniform haphazardly discarded on the floor.

"Leave it", he says sharply, but she ignores him and folds his shirt and jacket neatly on the bed.

"Tell me what happened", she says and sits down like she has every right to be there, hoping that he's going to decide it's easier to just talk to her than trying to make her leave.

"What do you think happened?! They told me that my bloody hand is useless, which I knew already, and that they can't let me into a plane like this", he says and waves his left hand in the air, his right balling into a fist he slams on the table so hard that Emma jumps. "Any other questions?"

Emma opens her mouth to speak, but he cuts her off.

"Do you know what the greatest irony is? Back in France, I kept begging that doctor to save my hand, but now I realize I should've just let him cut it off, put a hook in its place and be done with it. They might've even let me fly like that."

"No, they wouldn't", Emma tells him softly and he stares at her, disbelief making his eyes go deeply blue, like the sky on a stormy day.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me", she says and goes to him, reaching for his hand for the first time since the night he'd came back.

Killian always does the unexpected, and he surprises her when he lets her entwine her fingers with his; his skin feels leathery, but not in an unpleasant way, and she squeezes gently, her thumb rubbing circles on the back of his hand even though she knows he can't feel it.

He can see it.

"I am so very sorry, Killian", she whispers, the fingers of her free hand wrapping around his arm before she looks at his profile, waiting for him to meet her eyes.

"I lost everything, and I've got nobody to blame but myself", he says and finally faces her, her heart stuttering in her chest because they are so close she can smell rum on his breath. "I let go of you, and it cost me both my hand and my love."

"I'm still here", she tells him, hoping against hope that he won't let her go again.

"You should go, lass", he says, the term of endearment sending a shiver down her spine, his good hand reaching for her wrist and pulling on it until she releases him.

"Killian-"

"Go, Emma", he says, his voice breaking, his eyes pleading with her to leave him alone. "Leave me be."

She doesn't want to go, and she definitely doesn't want to leave him when he's like this, but what choice does she have?

He's not hers anymore and she can't take care of him if he won't let her.

"I'll come by tomorrow morning", she tells him, and considers the fact that he doesn't argue with her a victory.

The door slams shut behind her as soon as she crosses the threshold, and Emma wraps her arms around herself, walking away slowly because she knows she's walking in the wrong direction.

* * *

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	15. One Step Forward, Three Steps Back

**First of all, I'm terribly sorry about Ariel, but it's the war, and there are casualties. As the title of this chapter says, there's progress, but there's also more heartbreak. Thank you for reading, and enjoy.**

* * *

Emma finds Killian lying in the middle of his motel room, an empty bottle of rum next to his hand that's still holding her picture.

"Killian!" She breathes his name and kneels next to him, her hands framing his face; his skin is ice cold, and no matter how many times she calls him, he doesn't wake up, he doesn't open his eyes.

A scream tears itself from Emma's throat and she sits up awake in her bed, her heart trying to beat out of her chest; she's still gasping for breath when she gets up and throws the first dress she finds in the closet on.

"Are you okay?" Ruby asks from the kitchen but Emma just slips on her shoes and runs out, replaying the dream in her head over and over again on the way to Killian's motel.

She shouldn't have left him alone last night.

Despite the Hawaii heat and the fact that she's running, Emma feels cold and shivery, and she almost weeps with relief when she finally reaches her destination.

"Killian!" She yells and hits the door with both her fists, but nobody answers her; the door is locked and for a long minute she just stands there, so panicked that she can't figure out what to do.

"You just missed him", somebody says from behind her and Emma whirls around, hope springing inside her even as she asks the stranger what does he mean. "The man who lives in that room, you just missed him. He went out less than ten minutes ago."

Emma mumbles her thanks and goes to do the usual tour of the places Killian likes to visit, but she doesn't find him at any of them. She's worried sick and she's out of ideas until she sees a plane cutting a path across the sky, and then she heads for Hickam Field, hoping that Killian didn't do anything stupid.

The truth is, even if he did, she's going to forgive him as long as she finds him alive and well.

* * *

Killian is walking around a plane when she enters the hangar, and even though he can hear the echo of her heels, he doesn't turn around.

It gives her time to school her expression, because she probably looked equal parts ecstatic and pissed off after the morning she'd had.

"Are we supposed to be here?" She asks in a mock whisper and he glances at her over his shoulder, then returns his attention to the plane.

"You're not", he says, and she wants to shake him, wants to yell at him until he understands what he did and what he's still doing to her.

"I thought you were grounded", she shoots back and crosses her arms in front of her chest, telling herself to breathe and appreciate the fact that he's fine.

"I'm still an US Army Air Force Lieutenant, Swan. Nobody can stop me from coming here", he says, his voice like a hard edge of a blade, only the tightness in his shoulders betraying the pain he must feel.

He begged her not to take his wings on the day they had met, and then he lost them all on his own.

"You look like you're getting ready to board that plane and go flying", she says and takes a few cautious steps closer to him; she had missed talking to him, and she feels a desperate need to keep him here.

"If I did that, they could court-martial me. And I'd deserve it", he says, and she notices how his hand balls into a fist at his side, so she doesn't jump when he hits the side of the plane with the heel of it.

She's grateful he doesn't do it with his knuckles.

"I'm sorry they won't let you fly", she tells him, and he finally turns to look at her.

"Are you now, Swan?" He asks and approaches her, making her tilt her head back so she can keep looking at him.

"I am", she says, inhaling his scent and unfolding her arms; she wants to reach for his hand, but she doesn't want to make him pull back, so she digs her nails into her palms and resists the impulse.

"You used to hate that I was a pilot", he says quietly, his blue eyes holding her captive so easily; he's close, too close, and yet not close enough.

She'd give everything for just one more kiss, just one minute spent in the shelter of his arms again.

"I could never hate anything about you", she tells him, hoping that he can hear love in her words. "And like you said, you're still in the Air Force."

"Not much good without a plane", he says wistfully, staring at his feet, and the urge to comfort him is too great for her to resist it.

"There's more to life than flying", she tells him, her hands taking his lightly, barely applying any pressure; he flinches, and it breaks her heart, but then he rises his head and looks at her from under his eyelashes.

Neither of them moves and she tries to memorize everything about this moment, from the way his skin feels to the way he's looking at her; maybe she's seeing what she wants to see, but he seems as lost in her as she is in him.

"Tell me what else is there", he says, and his voice rings in her ears like a last request.

"There's this", she says and throws caution to the wind, rising on her tiptoes and pressing her lips against his.

It takes him a while to start kissing her back, but when he does it's so intense that her head spins, his tongue slipping into her mouth and tangling with hers as he pulls his hands from hers and wraps his arms around her waist, crushing her against him.

It feels like she's breathing for the first time in ages, her skin tingling where his scruff brushes against it, her arms twining around his neck; she keeps kissing him, and there's nobody else on Earth but the two of them.

When they finally separate, he keeps his forehead pressed against hers, and Emma holds him as tightly as she can, her eyes still closed, her fingers playing through his silky hair.

"I should've found a way to take you flying before I shipped off to England", he tells her, his voice breaking with regret, and Emma kisses him again before she tells him that she wishes it was him who'd shown her the sunset over Pearl.

She realizes her mistake when he freezes, turns right into stone with his arms still wrapped around her, and she opens her eyes to find him looking at her as if she just broke his heart in two.

Again.

"He took you flying", Killian says faintly and pulls away, stepping away until his back is against the plane.

"It wasn't like that", she tells him, her hands cupping his face, but he shakes his head, a storm brewing in his eyes when he gathers her wrists in his hand and makes her let him go.

"You went flying with him", he says, and she'd almost prefer it if he yelled because he sounds eerily calm, unnaturally composed.

"I… I wanted to be closer to Heaven, closer to you, so I asked him to take me", she says and his bitter laugh makes her want to cry, but she knows her tears won't help anything now.

He feels too betrayed.

"Did you feel closer to me, Swan? Did you think you could hear me in the wind while you sat on his lap with his arms around you?" He asks, leaning into her almost menacingly.

"He was just a friend!" Emma explodes, pushing at his chest hard enough to make him stumble. "He was just a good friend who wanted to help me because he could see how much I was hurting!"

"He was in love with you! He was never your friend!" Killian says and she presses her lips into a thin line, deciding that it's time she tells him everything that's been lying heavy on her heart since he came back.

"You're wrong, Killian. You were wrong to go and leave me behind, and you're wrong now when you hold a few dates I went on with Graham over me", she tells him and his mouth hangs open; he looks a little shell-shocked, but Emma keeps pouring out her heart to him the way she should've done a long time ago. "You're making it seem like I never loved you, like Graham couldn't wait for you to go to war so he could move in on me."

Killian takes her yelling at him stoically, and it's the only thing that's holding her back from shaking him until he finally sees the truth.

"We both loved you, and we both lost you. I'm sorry for trying to stop loving a ghost, for trying not to follow in my mother's footsteps, but you need to know one thing: I tried, I tried so hard to leave you behind, but I couldn't. I love you too much, and what happened with Graham was a proof of that."

"I don't see how screwing my best friend is the proof of your undying love for me", he practically snarls at her and she's suddenly so afraid, for the first time acknowledging the fact that what they have might never be the way it was.

"I never slept with him", Emma says, and she's so tired that she doesn't even have the strength to yell anymore. "I let him kiss me, and we went swimming every day, had a few dinners and went to the cinema, but I never slept with him because it never felt right. None of it felt right because he wasn't you."

"Then why did you do it?" He asks her, and she can't believe that he still doesn't understand.

"I lost the love of my life because he had volunteered to go to war; I keep telling you that I died with you, but you don't seem to get it. All I did was just trying to find a way to breathe again… I understand that you're in pain and that you've been through hell, but I've been there too", she says and promises herself that this is the last time she tries to explain her actions to him.

"With all due respect, lass, you weren't there. You were sunbathing while I was trying to shake Germans from my tail and when they finally shot me down you were still sleeping peacefully in a warm bed", he tells her and she feels her face crumpling, but she bites her lip and manages not to cry.

"You volunteered! You asked to be sent to the worst place you could go to and you went there even after you met me, all along knowing what had happened to my father and what it would do to me. I wrote you every day and I prayed and I didn't sleep peacefully for a single night since you told me about England!" Emma says, holding out her hands in a pleading gesture in hopes that she's finally going to get through to him.

Killian scowls and grits his teeth, a muscle jumping in his jaw before he hits the plane for the second time, and it sounds like a gunshot to Emma's ears.

"I wish I could go back and do it differently, stay with you and spare you all the pain, but I can't. I ruined everything and I have to deal with the consequences, but it's not my hand or my wings that are tearing me apart; it's losing you", he says, and something snaps inside her because he's breaking his own heart, refusing to see what's right in front of him.

He had never lost her, and it's becoming clear that no matter what she says, she won't be able to change his mind.

"I can't do this anymore", she tells him and wraps her arms around her stomach to hold herself together.

Her lips are still tingling with his kiss, and it's making what she's about to do incredibly hard, but she knows it's the only thing left.

"I love you, and I'm never going to stop loving you, but I can't let you keep treating me the way you've been doing since you came back", she says and a shadow of uncertainty crosses over his face when she takes a tentative step toward the entrance to the hangar.

She pauses, but he doesn't say anything, the look in those blue, blue eyes so intense that she has to look away.

"If you really love me as much as you said you did in your letters, you're going to find a way to forgive me. If you don't…" She trails off and takes another step away from him, her teeth worrying her bottom lip as she tries not to break. "Either way, I'll be waiting, just like I've always been."

Emma turns on her heel and starts walking, out of the hangar and across the runway, all along expecting to feel his warm fingers wrapping around her arm, but they never do.

He doesn't follow her and she starts running, tears burning in her throat, the distance between their hearts growing with every step.

* * *

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	16. In This Storm

**One more hurtful chapter, but there is light at the end of the tunnel! Enjoy, and thanks for reading and reviewing.**

* * *

A day passes, then a few, but Emma can't make herself let go of hope that Killian is going to show up at her door and that somehow they are going to reach their happy ending. After a week, she realizes that there's a chance he won't come, and she starts telling herself that there's no such thing as true love, that even if they don't end up together, she can find a way to be happy again, maybe not with Graham, but with a hypothetical somebody someday.

She tells herself that the most important thing is that Killian is alive and safe but she can't help longing for his arms and his kisses, for his witty comments and the way he had loved her.

She tells herself that she is not going to end up like her mother.

Still, she can't stop thinking about him, and even throwing herself into her work doesn't help, because all the wounded soldiers look at her with the pain she had glimpsed in Killian's eyes, and even her gentle care is proving not to be enough.

They all scream at night, and she rushes to their sides to comfort them, wondering if Killian is lying awake, unable to fall asleep because there's nobody with him to help him fight his demons.

It's a Tuesday morning when she walks out of the hospital after another exhausting ten hour shift to find Killian waiting for her, leaning on a lamp post with a grave look on his handsome face.

She blinks in the bright sunlight and gives him a smile because he won't let her offer him anything else, but his lips don't even twitch in response.

If anything, he looks even more solemn.

"Hey", she murmurs when she reaches him, a little surprised to see him wearing a short-sleeved shirt, his scarred arm and still fingers battling for her attention with his haunted eyes.

"Can we talk?" He asks her and vaguely gestures toward a nearby bench, the same one they had sat on the night he had returned.

"Of course", she says and bites her lip; she sounds too eager, still too hopeful, but then she sees goodbye in his eyes and her stomach ties itself into painful knots.

They sit down and she clasps her hands together in her lap, her eyes caressing his face as he stares off into the distance before he takes a deep breath and starts speaking.

"When my plane caught fire, I was sure I was going to die", he says, and Emma feels a shiver race down her spine because she hadn't expected him to talk about that now, but she knows better than to interrupt him trying to say something comforting. "When it hit the water, it was both a blessing and a curse, and the only thing that made me keep fighting to live was the image of you in my head. I promised you I'd return, Emma, and I wasn't going to go back on my word because I knew what it would do to you if you lost me the way your mother had lost your father."

Killian looks at her and she reaches for his hand without really registering what she's doing, her fingers threading through his; he looks down and covers her hand with his, squeezing for a moment before he slips both hands from her grasp.

"I spent months dreaming about coming home to you, love, and every time I got frightened of the possibility that you would move on before I had a chance to return, I told myself that you could no less move on from me than I would move on from you, than your mother moved on from your father", he says and Emma is the frightened one now; it's like watching an accident that's about to happen, and you're powerless to stop it.

Except, this is not an accident.

"Killian-"

"I know what you're going to say, Swan; you didn't want to end up alone like your mother, and I love you enough to want what's best for you", he says, and Emma shakes her head slowly, tears that she refuses to shed burning her eyes. "I'm not that man anymore."

"Why are you doing this?" She asks, her voice cracking, her eyes pleading with his. "Why won't you just let me love you?"

"Swan-", he starts to say, but she cuts him off.

"No!" She yells and jumps on her feet, angrily wiping her tears away. "I love you, and I waited, and I shouldn't even be apologizing for Graham because you were dead! You were dead Killian, you left me and you died and now that you're back, you keep pushing me away no matter how many times I tell you I'm sorry."

"I wish I could forget about you and Graham. You say that I haven't lost you, but it feels like I did", he tells her, and the pain in his blue eyes is almost too much to bear.

But she's got her own pain to deal with too.

"I get that you're hurt, and I know you went through Hell, but I can't let you do this to me anymore", Emma says and stands in from of him, her hand hovering in the air for a moment before she finally lies it on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, love. There's nothing left for me here", he says and her hand trembles, her fingers grasping the material of his shirt in a futile attempt to hold onto him.

"What are you saying?" She asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm going back to England", he answers, and it takes her a full minute to respond.

"But they won't let you fly", she finally says, her fingers digging into his arm.

"I'm going to stay at my parents' house. The one I dreamed about you and me living in someday", he says and her heart breaks, falls right out of her chest and leaves her feeling empty and utterly destroyed. "I'm sorry."

"When?" She asks, her voice surprisingly even considering the fact that she's facing the years without the love of her life all over again.

"Tonight", he says and gets up from the bench, catching her hand when it falls from his shoulder. "I need to find a way to deal with everything, and I… I can't do it here."

"Okay."

"Maybe-"

"You want to go? Then go!" She exclaims and steps away from him, a sob choking her because she knows she's going to regret not touching him for as long as she could. "But know just one thing; if you leave me again, don't bother coming back."

Something like uncertainty flickers in Killian's eyes but then he presses his lips together, a muscle jumping in his jaw, his expression hardening in an instant.

"Then I guess this is goodbye", he says and she swallows her tears, lifts her head and meets his gaze square on even though everything inside her is screaming.

She's done begging him to stay.

"I guess it is", she says, somehow even finding the strength to smile; he does too, but it's a fragile thing that makes her wish this was already over.

"Do you want me to walk you home?" He asks and she shakes her head, but remains standing where she is, still waiting, still unable to let go of the hope that nothing really ends when it comes to the two of them.

Killian looks torn, and then he's suddenly kissing her, pressing his lips against hers firmly, his hand cupping her cheek for a fleeting moment before he pulls away, turns around and walks away.

Emma watches him go until he rounds the corner and disappears from sight, and when she finally makes herself move, her feet carry her home on autopilot.

Now that's he's gone, she'd give everything to see his sky-filled eyes just one more time.

* * *

Even as he's walking away, Killian can tell that he's making a big mistake, but he keeps his head down and keeps moving, not caring at all where he's going; his bag is packed, and there's nothing left to do but wait for the time to come for the plane to take him to mainland where he's going to catch a flight to England.

Emma's words keep ringing in his ears, but he stubbornly decides to ignore them.

Maybe it's divine intervention, or maybe it's just a mother's instinct, but when he finally sits down in a diner to have coffee instead of lunch, Mary Margaret walks right in and slides into the booth across from him.

"Hello, Killian", she says and he would really like to know how the Hell she had found him here.

"Hello", he replies softly and focuses all his attention on stirring his coffee.

It's been months since he last had tea, and he wonders if the opposite is true for Emma, if she keeps drinking it because it reminds her of him the way coffee reminds him of her.

He guesses he's never going to find out.

"I know what you're doing", Mary Margaret says and he looks up to find her watching him closely with those beautiful green eyes that Emma had inherited, which makes it impossible for him to hold her gaze for more than a few seconds.

"That would be a feat, since I'm not even sure as to what I am doing", he says and takes a tentative sip of his coffee just to give himself something to do.

It burns in his throat and he sets it down, telling herself that he's staying here because he doesn't want to be rude to Emma's mother.

He used to be good at lying to everybody, including himself.

"You're scared", Mary Margaret says and he raises his eyebrow at her, but something clenches inside his chest as he waits for her to continue. "You're using what happened between Emma and Graham as an excuse because you fear that you're too different to be with her again, too broken."

They both glance at his left hand, and he wonders if he's ever going to be able to look at it and recognize it as a part of himself instead of an alien, ugly and useless hindrance he'd be better off without.

"You're not. Do you want to know how I know?" Mary Margaret asks and despite himself, he tells her he does.

"Because you love my daughter, and because she loves you. It really is that simple, and if you leave now, you're never going to find another love like that."

Killian knows for a fact that the last part is true, but if everything was as simple as Mary Margaret makes it out to be, he wouldn't be sitting here, he'd be with Emma instead.

"I don't know how to go back to being the man I was before", he says and Mary Margaret gives him a sad smile, surprising him one last time before she stands up to leave.

"You can't be him again, Killian, but it doesn't mean you should leave. Emma deserves better, and so do you", Mary Margaret says and leaves him sitting in the small diner, contemplating the future and how it would look without Emma.

* * *

It starts raining a little before nightfall and soon it's pouring so hard that Emma can't see anything out the window.

The thunder rumbles overhead and she jumps, sloshing tea over her dress; luckily it's lukewarm and she sets it down gently, then puts her face in her hands and starts crying again.

It's fitting that the first thunderstorm since she'd been in Pearl is tonight, preventing her from going to see Killian; the universe probably wants to spare her further pain.

Ruby is out with Whale, and Emma is scared to death, but the thought of not trying to talk to Killian once more is even worse, making her blood run cold; if she lets him leave…

She can't let him go. She won't.

Mary Margaret had told her to have faith, but she can't rely on it this time.

Lighting strikes and Emma forces herself to move toward the door, grabs her keys and runs out on the porch, then locks the door before she can change her mind.

The lawn is muddy and she's slipping in her tennis shoes, completely ruining them, but it's just an afterthought; the rain is warm on her skin, soaking her dress and plastering her locks to her cheeks, her heart beating erratically, thunder seeming impossibly loud in her ears.

She almost reaches the end of the street when she spots a figure running toward her, and she wipes her eyes, smudging her eyeliner further in an attempt to see who's crazy enough to be out in this weather aside from her.

The figure slows to a walk and she stops moving altogether, her eyes wide because she suddenly knows exactly who it is even through the curtain of rain.

She went out to find Killian, and he'd already been on his way to her.

"Killian!" She whispers, then repeats his name louder, standing where she was when she had first seen him and waiting for him to come to her.

"What are you doing out here?" He asks and even though she's still mad at him for putting her through so much pain, she can't help leaning into his touch when he brushes his thumb along her cheek and slides his fingers into her wet hair.

"I couldn't let you go", she says, and he brushes his nose along hers, water dripping from his eyelashes and sliding down his face so it looks like he's crying too.

Emma closes her eyes and when his lips find hers, she knows that he's going to stay.

He tastes like rain, and she's not scared anymore.

* * *

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	17. I'm Still Yours

**I know you're dying to see what happens next, so without further ado, the new chapter!**

* * *

Emma and Killian walk back to her bungalow, their hands occasionally brushing together, but neither really reaches for the other; they don't talk and she keeps her head down because the rain is still coming down in sheets, but aside from the sound it makes when it hits the ground, the island is quiet.

By the time they climb the steps to the porch, both of them are soaked to the bones, and when they enter the bungalow they glance at each other awkwardly, kicking off their shoes and proceeding to stand in the tiny hallway outside the living room.

"You should change", he finally says and gives her a smile that's just a ghost of the smirk she's used to, but the fact that he's making an effort is more than enough for her. "We don't want you to get sick."

"What about you?" She asks, her free hand wrapping around his arm, her fingers squeezing his bicep affectionately.

"You could return that shirt you stole from me", he says and turns toward her, his hand reaching for her, a shadow dancing behind his eyes when he realizes it's the bad one.

Emma reaches for it and brings it up, laying his palm against her cheek; it feels like it's been forever since they stood like this and she leans into his touch, her thumb caressing his scarred skin.

He's watching her silently but he doesn't try to pull away, and she counts that as a battle won.

"Tell me you're staying", she whispers and he smiles, but it doesn't reach his sad, sad eyes.

"I'm staying", he promises, his voice firm and full of conviction; she loves him for understanding that after everything, she needs to hear him say it. "I know I said I was leaving, but I couldn't make myself do it."

"Because of the storm?"

"Because I love you. Because by some miracle, you love me too", he tells her and glances at her lips, but he doesn't lean in for another kiss.

There's a wall between them, but it's invisible and it scares her because she doesn't know how to tear down something she can't even see.

"Okay", Emma says and lets go of him when he pulls away, her fingers entwining together because she realizes that he needs to be the one that reaches for her now. "You can have your shirt if you promise to give it back."

Killian chuckles and shoots her an amused look that warms her up inside, and she doesn't let her smile falter when she flashes to all the nights she'd spent awake wearing that shirt.

"I promise", he says solemnly, as if he's making the most sacred vow, and she can't resist the urge to stand on her tiptoes and kiss his stubbled jaw before she goes to change.

When she returns, Killian is standing next to the window looking out at the rain, his wet shirt clinging to his skin and it's a shock to see that his burns don't stop on his arm; they cover the left side of his back too.

She's pretty sure that he doesn't know she can see them, so she schools her expression when he turns around, silently offering him his shirt.

"Wasn't it blue?" He asks with a frown creasing his forehead, his fingers brushing against hers and making them both jump at the electricity shooting between them. "Are you sure this one is mine?"

"I wore it every night until…", she says and trails off, lifting her eyes to meet his.

"Until I died", he finishes for her, and he's so off base that she's torn between wanting to cry and screaming at him for everything he'd put her through.

"Until you came back", she tells him and watches the realization downing in his eyes; she kept sleeping in it even after she started dating Graham.

The silence stretches and he doesn't attempt to unbutton the shirt he's wearing, so she excuses herself and goes to the kitchen to make them tea.

He tells her that he'd rather have coffee, his voice low and uncertain, and when she looks over her shoulder at him, a tiny length of the line binding them together repairs itself and she can finally breathe again.

Hope that they can fix everything flares inside her as she busies herself in the kitchen, leaving Killian the privacy to change.

She returns with his coffee and her tea to find him struggling with the buttons, and when she sets their drinks on the coffee table and reaches out to help him, he curses under his breath and takes a step back.

"I can do it", he says, his voice sharp and full of silent warning, so she sits down on the couch and stirs sugar into her tea, struggling not to cry.

If their places were reversed, if she were the hurt one, she likes to think that she'd let him help her.

"Forgive me, lass. I didn't mean to snap at you", he says and she glances up to find that he'd given up on his shirt with three buttons still undone.

"I was just trying to help", she says and he sits down next to her, his knee pressing against her thigh.

"I know. I'm sorry", he tells her, and she loses herself in his eyes for a moment; they look haunted, and she wishes more than anything that she could wave a magic wand and erase all his pain. "I never should've left you."

"I don't know what am I supposed to say to that", she says softly because everything between them is fragile, but at the same time she needs him to know that he wasn't the only one in pain. "You did leave me."

"But I came back", he tells her, his hand reaching out, his fingers covering hers but barely applying pressure as if he's afraid of breaking her even with that simple touch.

Emma turns her hand over and captures his wrist, leaving him plenty of space in case he wants to pull back; it's an intricate dance, their fingers shifting and skimming over each other until they finally end up entwined together.

"I need you to promise me that you're never going to leave me again, no matter what happens", she says, her gaze focused on their joined hands because it's suddenly too hard to meet his gaze.

"Look at me, love", he murmurs and tilts his head until her eyes meet his. "I'm never going to leave you again, no matter what happens."

"Do you promise?"

"I promise", he says, his thumb rubbing circles into the back of her hand until she nods, a slow smile tugging at her lips because he always keeps his promises and he wouldn't give one in vain.

"I'm still mad at you", she tell him, her free hand rising to hold his ring the way it had done a thousand times before.

"I know. It still feels like a punch in my gut when I imagine you flying with Graham", he says and talks over her when she tries to explain again. "It's alright, Swan. I don't have to like it, but I get why you did it."

"I knew all along that he would never be able to fill the hole you left in my heart", she whispers and squeezes his fingers because she's so scared he's going to pull away again, and she's not so sure she could take it.

Killian squeezes back and points toward his coffee with his chin.

"May I get my hand back now for a bit?" He asks and a giggle escapes her at his light tone, but when she tries to let him go, he doesn't let her, bringing her hand up to his lips instead.

Emma closes her eyes and focuses only on the way it feels when he kisses each of her knuckles in turn before he releases her hand and reaches for his coffee.

The silence that descends over them isn't an enemy anymore, and they sip their drinks without feeling the urge to fill it.

"Did you get my letter... the last one?" He asks her a while later, his eyes watching her fingers as they play with his ring, and she looks down at it, wondering briefly if maybe she should give it back to him.

When she doesn't answer, he reaches out his hand for hers again, closing her fingers around the ring more tightly.

"I know that a lot of things changed, but I still dream about the same things", he tells her and she leans forward until her forehead is resting against his shoulder, her arm wrapping around his waist.

"My answer is still "yes", she says and after a moment pulls back to look at him. "I wish they had checked before they told me you died."

"It was an honest mistake", Killian says softly, releasing her hand and leaning against the back of the couch with his eyes closed.

"How so?" She asks even though she doesn't really want to know; she just thinks it will help him if he talks about it instead of keeping it all in.

"They saw my plane burn, lass", he says, and his voice sounds distant, like he's not there with her anymore. "Then they saw it hit the water, and since there was no parachute, they assumed I had died."

"But you didn't", she whispers and scoots closer, her hand squeezing his good arm to convince both of them that he's really here. "You survived."

"Yeah, that I did", he says and turns his head toward her, their faces only inches apart now, and Emma gives him a shy smile that grows wider when the shadows in his eyes retreat a little. "I don't remember much about it."

Emma cups his face in her hand and runs her thumb over the scar on his cheek, silently urging him to continue.

"I remember that it burned, and that the water was soothing, but I don't really know how I managed to get out of the cabin and stay afloat", he tells her and leans into her touch, his eyes closing for a moment before he goes on. "But I do remember seeing your face and hearing your voice in my head yelling at me to fight because I promised you I would come back."

"Sorry about yelling", she says meekly and he shakes his head, his fingers combing her hair away from her face.

"I'm not", he tells her and leans forward to press his lips against her cheek, lingering there and making her feel a little breathless with emotion. "You brought me home, love."

Emma wants to kiss him, wants it so badly that she can practically taste him, but she doesn't want to rush it, doesn't want to push him farther than he wants to go, so she just breathes him in until they both relax.

He embraces her tentatively, his ruined hand pressing against the small of her back awkwardly, but she revels in the feeling of having him so close.

It's impossible not remember dreaming about this moment, both before and after Killian came back, but none of her dreams ever compared to the real thing, to the feel of Killian's body pressing against hers, to the way he smells, and the way he tangles his fingers in her hair so intricately that she'd be stunned if he ever manages to get them out.

Thunder crashes outside and she gasps, all her fears flooding back, but he shushes her with a kiss, his lips meeting hers tenderly, his arm wrapping around her a little tighter.

"It's okay, darling. I'm here", he tells her, his lilting voice slowing down her racing heart easily, and she sighs with content when he lies down and takes her with him, his lips grazing her forehead when she settles down with her head on his shoulder.

"I missed you so much", she tells him, her finger tracing the outline of his dog tags peeking from his shirt while he runs his hand up and down her arm, warming her skin and making her feel so very cherished.

"I'm sorry", he murmurs and Emma closes her eyes, her nose pressing against his neck, her hand reaching for his and holding on.

"You're here now", she says and he brings her hand up for a kiss.

"And I will stay."

* * *

**Review?**


	18. We Will Overcome

**Thank you for reading and reviewing, and enjoy; they've finally found a way back to each other, and the happy ending is that much closer, but still not within their grasp.**

* * *

Weeks of looking after wounded soldiers have made Emma's sleep light, so she blinks awake at the first sound of discomfort that falls from Killian's lips and rumbles in his chest. His fingers twitch and she sits up carefully, her left hand coming to rest on his shoulder while she stretchess to turn on the lamp sitting on the table behind the couch.

Killian flinches from her touch and she turns back to look at him, trying to figure out the best way to wake him up; she's no stranger to bruises caused by flailing arms, but she knows that hurting her would horrify him, even if it were an accident.

"Killian? Wake up", she says, climbing over him and kneeling by the couch next to his head, her fingers combing through his dark hair gently, her free hand rubbing up and down his good arm.

"It burns", he says and she wipes away a tear that rolls down the side his face, her voice catching when she tells him that it's okay, that he's safe, that he just needs to wake up.

His breathing is frantic and her heart is hammering in her chest because she doesn't know how to help him, doesn't know if she should yell and startle him awake of keep talking to him in a low, soothing tone.

Eventually, his eyes open and he sits up slowly, her hand falling from his arm when he leans over his knees, his right hand holding his left, his shoulders shaking as he takes shuddery breaths.

"Killian?" Emma says tentatively because she's not entirely sure he's even aware of her presence, lost in memories and pain and God knows what else.

He doesn't say anything and she sits on the couch next to him, her hand hovering over his back before she touches him, barely applying pressure.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks and he shrugs off her hand, stands up and walks toward the door leading out on the porch.

"I don't want you to baby me", he tells her without turning around, opens the door and steps out leaving her speechless and pretty damn pissed off.

Still, she gets that this must be incredibly hard for him, and that it's going to take time for him to open up to her, so she gives him some space, for once feeling at peace because he had promised he wouldn't leave her again.

The rain had stopped falling and she can see his dark silhouette through the window; he's standing next to the porch rail, leaning against the post with his shoulder and staring up at the sky dotted with stars, his longing washing over her and making it impossible for her to stay away.

She loves him, and she can't bear watching him suffer alone.

As soon as she opens the door and steps out on the porch he looks at her over his shoulder, watching her approach him and sighing wearily when she slips her hand into his.

"Swan-"

"Shut up", she tells him softly, surprising him long enough for her to slip between him and the rail, her arm wrapping around his waist.

"This is precisely the reason why I tried to stay away", he tells her and she tilts her head to the side, worrying her bottom lip because she should've known.

"I thought it was Graham."

"I tried to convince myself that it was, but your mother opened my eyes", he says and she gapes at him.

"When did you talk to my mother?"

"Yesterday. She's a smart lady", he says, and Emma rolls her eyes because it's pretty clear he's trying to distract her from his previous admission.

"I know what you're doing, and I can tell you right now that it's not going to work on me", she says and he gives her an innocent smile that doesn't reach his eyes; his hand is trembling in hers and his bad arm is still at his side instead of wrapped around her like it should be.

"What am I doing, lass?"

"You're trying to hide the bad and the ugly from me because you're the same as all the other flyboys, believing in the silly notion that you should handle it alone", she says and he shakes his head, glancing down at their entwined fingers and expelling a breath that makes a lock of her hair flutter a little.

"I knew there was a reason I never dated nurses", he says and looks at her from under his eyelashes, patiently waiting for her to recover from that revelation.

"You never told me that", she says faintly and he shrugs, returning his gaze to their joined hands.

"I know you think that talking about what I've been through and the nightmares would help, but I just can't. I don't want you to know", he tells her and she ignores the sting in her heart because this isn't about her.

"Then don't talk", she says and stands on her tiptoes to give him a kiss, gently brushing her lips against his the way he had done to her earlier, when she was the frightened one.

"Emma-"

"Shhhhh. No talking, remember?" she murmurs and kisses him more firmly, sighing against his mouth when he presses himself against her, pinning her to the rail and tentatively tracing his tongue over her bottom lip; she sucks it into her mouth and arches her back to allow him better access, her hand caressing up wiry muscles until she reaches his neck and tangles her fingers in his hair.

Their kiss turns desperate and she releases his hand so she can trace her fingers over his cheek and jaw, gasping in surprise when he picks her up and sits her on top of the rail, her legs opening to let him stand between them and closing again to stop him in case he decides to pull away.

Killian embraces her tightly, his arms as strong and sure around her as they ever were and she stops worrying, losing herself in his kisses and the feel of his body pressing against hers after so long without.

The light grows brighter and her muddled mind finally registers that they can't stay out here where anybody can see them, not to mention the fact that Ruby is going to come back from her shift soon.

"Killian", she says against his mouth and gently tugs on his hair until he pulls back, his eyes startlingly blue so early in the morning, his mouth turned down with uncertainty. "Come with me."

He sets her back on her feet and she kisses the underside of his jaw reassuringly before she leads him into the bungalow and into her tiny bedroom, her lips descending on his as soon as he leans against the door, her hands slipping under his shirt and caressing up his back.

The way he freezes is not unexpected, so she stops kissing him and tilts her head back, her fingers following the peaks and valleys of his scarred skin, patiently waiting for him to meet her gaze.

"There's a good side to dating a nurse", she tells him and he lifts his eyebrow, their eyes catching and making her heart clench painfully in her chest because he looks more scared than she'd ever seen him.

"Is there?" He asks, more an exhalation of breath than sound, and Emma nods, then leans forward and kisses his neck, feeling his heartbeat jump against her lips.

"I've seen everything, Killian. You don't have to be afraid", she tells him and he runs his fingers through her hair, his scruff tickling her nose when he kisses the top of her head.

"It's not that… I know I've hurt you, Emma, and I don't want to do it ever again", he says and she shakes her head and keeps looking at him until their eyes meet again.

"Then don't hurt me. Love me instead", she whispers and reaches for the zipper on her dress, slowly pulling it down and smiling encouragingly when he reaches out his hand and helps her get the dress off.

He looks at her like a weary traveler would look at an oasis and she leads both his hands to her waist before she kisses him again, her fingers undoing the buttons on his shirt quickly and ghosting over his skin, skimming old scars and new, briefly tangling in his chest hair before her hand closes around his dog tags and tugs him forward.

They stumble to her bed without breaking apart and she stops touching him only long enough to let her bra fall on the floor after he unclasps it, heat shooting through her veins when he lies her down and covers her with his body.

"I've been dreaming about you", he murmurs against her shoulder and she shivers when he presses a string of open-mouthed kisses down, then swirls his tongue around her nipple and makes the pressure inside her skyrocket.

"I've been dreaming about you", she gasps, her legs wrapping around his hips in a desperate effort to bring him closer to where she needs him, breathless with the exquisite pleasure that his lips alone give her.

"Every night", he tells her and pulls away, his hand caressing up her thigh until she opens her legs and lets him pull her panties down.

The last time she had seen him like this was on the night before he left her and the pain of losing him returns quickly and unexpectedly, her chin trembling; he notices and lies next to her, his arms pulling her closer, his lips soothing her, his fingers caressing down her side and slipping between her legs, effectively distracting her from dark thoughts.

"Killian, please", she mutters when she can't take it anymore, her hands reaching for his belt and fumbling with it because he doesn't stop, driving her half-crazy with need.

Her bed is narrow and he almost falls off when she pushes at his shoulder and rolls him on his back, getting rid of his pants and boxers in record time; his amused smirk is the best reward she had ever gotten and she straddles his hips, both of them moaning at the contact.

He's still wearing his shirt but she's too impatient to try and wrestle it off, reaching for his hand instead and entwining her fingers with his limp ones, giving him a warning look when he tries to pull his hand away.

"Emma-"

"Love me", she tells him and determination flashes in his ocean eyes, his arm wrapping around her before he flips her on her back, his length filling her in the most perfect way; his lips claim hers and he starts moving in slow and maddening strokes, her hand sneaking under his shirt, her nails digging into the smooth side of his back.

A tear rolls over her cheek and he kisses it away, making love to her until they both take flight and he shows her the sky the way it's meant to be seen.

Afterwards, they lay side by side sharing her pillow, noses brushing together, his fingers sifting through her hair while hers caress lazy circles on his back.

His shirt is lying on the floor and they are huddled under the sheet, legs tangled together, nothing left hidden between them, and every time he shivers at her touch she presses a kiss against his cheek or jaw or lips or chin, patiently trying to heal him the only way she knows how; with love.

Eventually, she wears him down and he tells her that he loves her in a sleepy voice that somehow makes her love him more even though she had thought it were impossible; when he dozes off she presses a lingering kiss against his brow, busying herself with counting his eyelashes until it's time for her to get up and go to work.

He's deeply asleep, but his arms still try to stop her from leaving the bed, and Emma smiles, managing to disentangle herself from his embrace and scribbling him a quick note she leaves on the chair in the corner on top of his neatly folded clothes.

"I love you", she whispers and kisses his cheek, then tiptoes out of her room and closes the door with a soft click, lingering in the hallway for a moment longer in case he wakes up.

Killian doesn't stir and Emma walks away with a smile on her lips, hoping that nothing will disturb his sleep for at least a few more hours.

* * *

**Review?**


	19. How Do I Help You

**Thank you for reading, and have some more angst.**

* * *

Lunch time comes and goes and Emma tries not to panic, telling herself that Killian couldn't have missed her note, and that he's just busy with something else, even though she can't imagine what that would be.

As soon as her shift is over, Emma goes to Killian's motel room, andshe's not even surprised when she doesn't find him there.

Instead of trying to find him, Emma goes home to find that the bungalow is quiet and her room is empty, but when she sits down on her bed to change, she can still smell Killian all around her.

Her note is still on the chair she had left it on, and she knows that there's no way he hadn't seen it when he took his clothes.

"That's not a face of somebody who got together with their one true love last night", Ruby says from the doorway and Emma jumps, then finishes buttoning her dress before she speaks.

"Did you see him when you got home?"

"Well… I heard him yelling, and by the time I managed to crawl out of bed he was already slamming the door on his way out", Ruby says and Emma feels something cold crawling into her stomach.

"He had another nightmare", she says faintly and tries to walk around Ruby, but her friend lies her hands on Emma's shoulders and stops her in her tracks.

"He managed to wake me up after a twelve hour shift… are you sure-", Ruby trails off and Emma waves impatiently for her to continue. "PTSD is no joke."

"I know that", Emma says, and shrugs her hands off. "If you're going to say what I think you will, save it. I'm not giving up on him."

"I'm not saying you should. I'm just saying that you need to be realistic. He might never be the same", Ruby tells her seriously and Emma presses her lips into a thin line before she pushes past her friend and marches toward the door.

She doesn't have time to argue.

* * *

Killian is sitting on a stone wall bordering the beach from the parking lot, a half-full bottle of rum swinging from his fingers, and Emma comes to stand in front of him, blocking his view of the ocean.

"You didn't show up for lunch", she says and he rises the bottle to his lips, taking a swig and giving her a dark look.

"You left without saying goodbye", he shoots back and Emma closes her eyes, ignoring the nasty voice in her head telling her that Ruby was right.

"Killian… You were sleeping, and I wanted you to get some rest, so I left you a note-"

"A note? Last night was the first one in a long time that I hadn't woken myself up because I was screaming", he tells her and drops the bottle on the wall next to him with a resounding thud.

"I'm sorry-"

"You should've woken me up before you went to work", Killian says and gets up, walking around her and toward the water line.

Emma follows, her heels sinking into the sand, so she pauses to take her sandals off and runs to catch up to him.

"You told me not to baby you", she says faintly, hating the fact that despite all her training she doesn't really know how to deal with this.

Why is it easier to soothe a stranger than it is to talk to the love of her life?

"You're taking it to the other extreme. Usually, a man you don't wake after a night like that is somebody you never want to see again", he says, lengthening his steps so she has to jog to catch up with him.

"It wasn't like that!" She yells, her voice breaking because there's a part of her that realizes she made a mistake.

He doesn't want her to baby him, but the fact remains that he is fragile, whether he wants to admit it or not.

"I woke up screaming and you weren't there, so what was I supposed to think?" He asks her, his blue eyes sad and resigned, and she doesn't know which is worse.

"You were supposed to think that I love you and that I left you sleeping so you can rest!" Emma exclaims, her hands held out in front of her in a pacifying gesture, but it only ends us pissing him off more.

"Rest for what, Swan? I don't do anything!" He yells and she flinches but holds her ground, watching him grit his teeth and ball his hand into a tight fist. "They won't let me do anything."

"Killian… You were hurt", she says softly, her fingers brushing against his and making him flinch.

It's like a punch in her gut because she had never thought he would shy away from her touch, and now he does more often than not.

"What am I supposed to do now, Swan?" He asks her, sidestepping her when she tries to reach for him again. "I don't know how to be anything but a pilot and they won't let me anywhere near a plane."

"I'm sorry", she whispers and wraps her fingers around his good arm, gently making him unclench his fist with her free hand. "We're going to figure it out together."

"I miss the sky", he says, and it sounds like he's telling her the most sacred secret, his fingers shaky when they entwine with hers.

"I know. Somehow, someday, I'm going to give it back to you even if I have to learn how to pilot a plane myself", she says and he smiles, for a moment looking exactly like the man she had fallen in love with.

"You would do that for me?" He asks, his eyes dancing with amusement, and she grins, her hand rising to cup his cheek.

"I would do everything to make you happy", she says and feels her heart drop when he steps back again, his lips twisting into a wry smile.

"This is precisely what I wanted to avoid… you shouldn't have to treat me like I'm going to fall apart any moment now", Killian says and Emma can feel him slipping away from her, so she grabs the lapels of his shirt and pulls him down for a desperate, sloppy kiss that's anything but gentle, holding him close and pouring all the love she feels from her heart into his.

By the time their lips separate his arms are around her waist and he's crushing her against him, holding her so tightly she can barely draw a breath, but she releases the material of his shirt and wraps her arms around his neck, pressing herself even closer.

He buries his face in her hair and she stands on tiptoes in the warm sand, acutely aware of the way his heart is hammering against her ribcage.

"It's okay", she whispers, looking at the dark sky above his shoulder and trying to keep the tears at bay. "I'm here."

"Forgive me, Emma", he says and tries to pull away to look at her, but she doesn't let him because seeing that he'd made her cry would only make it worse for him.

"There's nothing to forgive", she says, rocking him gently and wondering if all true loves are like this; incredibly beautiful and unfairly painful.

"I don't want to be like this", he tells her miserably and she realizes that Ruby was absolutely right, but it doesn't change the fact that she can't imagine being without Killian; she believes that he'll get better, but even if he never quite recovers, she loves him too much to leave him to fend for himself.

"It's okay", she keeps repeating until she thinks he believes her, and when their eyes finally meet again she smiles and gives him another kiss, deciding that there's no better way to heal him than showing him the entire depth of her love.

* * *

"Have you heard from Graham?" Killian asks as they walk to his motel room hand in hand, and she's so surprised by his tone she almost stumbles; he sounds worried, and it frightens her.

"No, I haven't", she says, realizing that she had barely thought of Graham since he'd left. "Why?"

"No reason", he says quickly and studiously avoids her eyes.

"Don't give me that. Do you know where he is?"

"Sort of", he says after a moment of hesitation and she feels guilty because Graham was always a good friend to her, and the least she could do was worry about him.

They reach Killian's room and she has to let go of his hand so he can fish the keys out of his pocket and unlock the door; as soon as they are in she asks him to tell her what he knows.

"I don't know the details, but I know enough to wish I was there to watch his back", Killian says and she drops on the edge of his bed with slumped shoulders and a heavy heart.

"I managed to convince myself that you stayed behind not only because they grounded you, but because you wanted to, but that's not true, isn't it? The only reason you're here is because they won't let you fly", she says, feeling foolish for thinking that he had realized what she'd been through and decided not to make her go through it again.

He just didn't have any choice.

"Lass, no, it's not like that", he murmurs and kneels in front of her, his fingers brushing a lock of hair away from her face.

"It seems like that's exactly how it is", she says and swallows the lump in her throat, shivering at the thought that he could've came back just to leave her again.

It's horrible, but in that moment she's glad that his hand doesn't work anymore.

"I'm sorry I left you, Swan. I can't change that, nor can I erase the pain I've caused you, but when I promised I'd stay, I meant it", he says and she lifts her head to look at him. "This bloody hand could decide to work like it should tomorrow and I'd still stay."

Emma sighs and he rests his bad hand on her knee, both of them looking down at it, her fingers covering his before he can pull it away.

"He's going to be okay", she says, praying that she's right, for both Graham's and Killian's sake.

* * *

That evening, Emma wears another one of Killian's shirts to bed, but unlike so many other nights when she had done the same, this time she's got his arms closing around her too.

"What did the doctors say? Is it going to get better?" She asks softly, tracing his index finger with hers before she covers the back of his hand with her palm.

"It's too burned. They said I was lucky they managed to save it at all", Killian answers and pulls the blanket higher, making her wonder if he's trying to hide his hand from her or from himself.

"So you can't feel-", she trails off, her fingers entwining with his under the blanket nonetheless.

"Not a damn thing", he tells her and stares at the ceiling, his good hand slipping under the edge of her shirt and pressing against the small of her back.

Emma knows that there's nothing more to say, so she kisses his neck again and again until he tilts his head down and presses his lips against hers.

"Are you going to be here when I wake up?" He asks her with a wink and a smile, trying to brighten the mood a little, and Emma nods enthusiastically, glad that she doesn't have the first shift tomorrow. "Good."

Emma doesn't remember falling asleep, but suddenly she's waking up because Killian is having a nightmare and even though it's heartbreaking to see him like this, she's glad she's here because after she spends some time talking to him, he relaxes and continues to sleep.

"I love you", she whispers and brushes Killian's dark, silky hair away from his forehead, her thumb tracing his bottom lip gently before she leans down and kisses his cheek, dread filling her gut because she's working the night shift in two days and there won't be anybody here to make sure he doesn't wake up screaming.

"I love you", he mumbles and pulls her into him, the even rhythm of his breathing helping her drift off easily.

Neither of them wakes up until the sun rises and lights up the world.

* * *

**Review?**


	20. Hearts of Volunteers

**I can't believe another story is coming to an end... There's three more chapters left after this one, plus the epilogue. Thank you for going on this journey with me, and enjoy the feels.**

* * *

Emma spends the day before her night shift trying to figure out what to do with Killian; he doesn't know that his nightmares haven't stopped and that the only thing keeping him from waking up screaming is Emma's voice.

Even though he's still moody and quiet at times, Killian seems more like himself the more time they spend together, and he even manages to get a job clearing rubble from the attack; she suspects that Sergeant Leroy had something to do with that, but she sure as hell won't complain because it's good for him to get out of his motel room and do something productive.

The person who gives her an idea as to what Killian should do is Whale, and Emma wonders how much Ruby had told him about their relationship because he seems full of understanding and more than willing to help; it's clear he's head over heels in love with Ruby, and Emma feels a little guilty for being so against him in the beginning.

And so, an hour before her shift starts she knocks on the door of Killian's motel room, smiling when he answers but unable to get a word in before he kisses her fiercely, then pulls her inside and pins her against the wall.

"I have to go to work soon", she says, gently tugging on his hair to make him look at her, trying not to get lost in the blue in his eyes when he does.

"Come on, Swan, don't be a spoil sport", he says and nudges her cheek with his nose playfully, making her wish she could stay with him and keep his nightmares from waking him without bursting his bubble.

"You can't go to sleep tonight", she tells him and covers his mouth with her hand when he tries to kiss her again.

"Stay here and I guarantee you I won't", he says from behind her palm and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, her body melting against his of its own accord.

"I have to go to work", she says and he kisses her palm, then watches her carefully for a long moment before he unwraps his arms from around her waist and lies his hands on her hips.

"Why can't I go to sleep?" He asks, resignation coloring his voice because she's always an open book and he can probably tell that she'd been keeping something from him.

Emma isn't afraid of much; storms, spiders in the shower, and losing Killian, so she takes a deep breath and tells him the truth.

"Your nightmares aren't gone… I just sort of manage to keep you from waking up because of them", she says and watches the light go out in his eyes, her hands covering his to keep him where he is, to keep them on her hips for just a while longer. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Go to work", Killian says and lets her go, her hands falling to her sides when he turns his back on her and goes to look out the window.

"Killian-"

"You are a nurse, Swan, but you shouldn't have to treat me like I'm your patient, and that's exactly what you've been doing", he says and she glances at her watch, deciding to stay here until he agrees to come with her.

"I'm just trying to help you", she says firmly but he doesn't respond or turn around. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You keep walking on eggshells", he tells her and he makes it sound like the worst offense a lover could ever commit.

"Fine. How about this; you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on the good", she says and his eyes flash when he looks at her over his shoulder.

"I am doing my best; I dig through the rubble every day and I pretend not to see the way they all look at me, I make love to you and I thank God every day that I haven't lost you, that I get to hold you every night, that I get to wake up next to you and now you tell me that I've been keeping you up because I'm not better at all?"

Emma stands in front of him with shaking hands and a lump in her throat, desperately trying to think of a way to fix this and finding that she's unable to find the words.

"Wouldn't you have done the same?" She finally asks and comes closer, resisting the urge to reach for him even though she'd give everything to feel the rush of his skin beneath her fingertips. "Would you care for a few minutes of interrupted sleep if it would help me?"

Her words give him pause, but he still looks so disappointed when he finally meets her gaze.

"I'd stay up all night for you, lass, but I wouldn't keep such a thing away from you in the morning", he tells her and she realizes that there's nothing she can say that would make it okay.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I know. You should go. Your shift is starting soon."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'll try not to fall asleep", he tells her and she reaches up to cup his cheek in her hand, holding on until he looks at her.

"Come by the hospital. There's quite a few soldiers who suffer from insomnia, and Whale thinks it might help if you talked to them", she says and he frowns, looking utterly confused.

"I thought we've just established that I'm a bloody mess; how am I supposed to help anybody?"

"You've been where they are now", she tells him and holds her breath while he decides what he's going to do.

"I'm sorry, lass", he says, then adds in a more sarcastic tone, "while your offer is tempting, I think I'd rather just get drunk."

"Killian-"

"Go to work", he cuts her off and softens the bruise caused by his sharp tone with a brief press of his lips upon her forehead.

"I'm sorry", Emma apologizes again, her fingers brushing against his before she walks away and out of his room, softly closing the door behind her.

She knows the way from his motel to the hospital by heart, so she gets to work on time despite the fact that her eyes are blurry with tears.

* * *

Emma is in the nurse's station going over some files when Killian just appears in front of her and almost makes her jump out of her skin.

It's a pleasant surprise but her heart is hammering against her chest, and she's reminded of the night he had returned, coming like a ghost and turning her entire world upside down.

"Sorry for startling you", he says and hesitates in the doorway, but she jumps to her feet and pulls him in, giving him a kiss before she tells him that she's glad he came. "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm getting sick of rum."

He doesn't say that he didn't want to fall asleep, but she can see it in his haunted eyes, in the downward tilt of the corners of his mouth.

"You don't have to talk to them if you don't want to; you can stay in here with me", Emma says and he lifts his eyebrow, eyeing the small couch and shaking his head before he reaches for her hand.

"You're too tempting for me to stay here, my love", he tells her and she smiles, relieved that he had forgiven her so easily.

But then again, that's the way he loves her, that's the way he had always loved her, without restraint and no matter what happens.

"Follow me", she says and leads him down the hallway to a room occupied by three soldiers that won't leave the hospital for at least a year longer; they keep them together because the doctors think it would set back their recovery if they were with all the other victims of December 7th that are slowly leaving the hospital and going home.

To Emma's surprise, Killian doesn't hover in the doorway like most visitors do, going straight in and introducing himself, seemingly nonplussed by Corporal Williams' charred skin and all the screws in Commander Hawking's legs.

"If I could, I would stand up and salute you, sir", Private Kent says and Killian looks mildly annoyed and a whole lot embarrassed.

"There's really no need, mate", Killian tells him and pulls a chair from the corner of the room, sits down and engages them all in conversation.

Emma leaves them to it, and when she returns a few hours later she finds them all asleep except Killian.

"You can sleep on the couch and I'll watch over you", she whispers and comes to stand behind him, her hand resting on his shoulder.

"I'd rather watch over them", he says and takes her hand, bringing it to his mouth so he can kiss the back of it before he tugs her around and pulls her down on his lap. "Can you stay here?"

"Of course", she says and leans her shoulder against his chest, letting him hold her as they keep a silent watch over his brothers in arms.

* * *

Emma and Killian spend most of Sunday in bed, arms tightly wrapped around one another, legs entwined, and all it takes for Killian to stop mumbling in his sleep is a few kisses and a whispered "I love you"; Emma isn't sure is it because he's exhausted or because talking to her patients helped, but she's more than glad to snuggle closer to him and go back to dreamland.

"We should eat something", she says around 3 p.m. and kicks away the sheet, trying to sit up, but Killian's arm wraps around her waist and pulls her back against him.

"In a minute", he says, his accent sending a shiver down her spine, and Emma sighs contentedly, walking her fingers up and down his scarred arm; it took him a while to let her touch him like this, freely and in broad daylight, but now he doesn't even bat an eyelash when she does it.

"We should go to the beach afterwards", she says and he freezes for a moment, then goes back to nuzzling her neck.

"I think we can have more fun here", he tells her and she wiggles when he ghosts his hand down her side.

"I want to go swimming with you", she says petulantly and turns in his arms so she can look at him, but he avoids her gaze.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea, lass", he tells her and tries to smooth a frown on her forehead with his lips. "I'm not so inclined to go around frightening people, pets or small children."

"There's a secret beach", she tells him, her leg sliding deeper between his, her lips quirking into a smile when he groans. "We'd be alone."

"A secret beach on O'ahu?"

"I needed a silent place when I was writing you letters", she tells him and manages to smile around the lump in her throat.

"Lass…", he breathes, his arm wrapping around her a little bit tighter, his lips pressing against her cheek and making it easier for her to tell him what she needs him to know.

"It's silly, but I sat in the sand writing them and hoping that they would warm you somehow", she tells him, ducking her head because she's pretty sure her cheeks are burning scarlet.

"They did warm me, Emma. Your words were like a song, and I could feel how much you love me even from half the world away", he says and tilts her head back with his thumb underneath her chin. "You kept me sane, and you gave me strength to fight."

"Does that mean you're gonna go with me?" She asks him coyly and he laughs, a sound so happy and unburdened that it makes her emotional; she tries not to let it show, but he can still tell.

He can always tell.

"As you wish", he says softly, his knuckles caressing her cheek, his eyes holding her captive before he leans in to kiss her.

They don't make it to the beach for a while longer.

* * *

**Review?**


	21. Brothers

**Thank you everybody for coming on this journey with me; there's just one chapter and an epilogue left after this one**. **You made me so happy with your reviews, and I hope that this story made the hiatus a little more bearable for you. Enjoy, and thanks for reading!**

* * *

Emma is changing Private Moris' bandages when Ruby runs by the room, poking her head in only long enough to tell Emma that they are here.

"Who's here?"

"The Doolittle boys", Ruby calls over her shoulder, and there's something in her voice that makes Emma worry, so she finishes what she's doing and goes to see what's wrong with Graham.

"Look at me, Graham! You're not dying", Ruby says as Emma comes into the emergency room and gives her a look that chills her to the bone.

"Where's Whale?" Emma asks, coming to stand on Graham's other side and taking his hand in hers when he reaches for her.

His eyes are unfocused and he's shivering, blood soaking the bandage on his thigh, but his grip is surprisingly strong, his clammy fingers almost crushing hers.

"He's working on Eric", Ruby says and shakes her head a tiny bit, letting Emma know that there's even less hope for him than it is for Graham.

"I missed you", Graham says, and it scares her because he's usually so good at playing it cool.

"I missed you too", Emma tells him and manages to smile while Ruby shoots him up with morphine and starts cutting through his pants and the bandage.

The smell makes Emma's eyes water because she knows what it means, and she pulls her hand out of Graham's so she can go find him a doctor.

She can only pray that it's not too late.

* * *

Emma uses her lunch break to walk back to the bungalow and tell Killian the news; Ruby had moved in with Whale and it seemed natural that Killian should move in with Emma since they've been spending every night together anyway, and a motel room is anything but homey.

Graham is in surgery and he's going to need his best friend when he wakes up; she doesn't even want to think about the possibility that he won't wake up at all.

"I thought we were supposed-", Killian starts to say when she opens the door and comes into the living room, his smile dying when the look on her face registers. "Are you alright, love? You look awfully pale."

"It's Graham", Emma says and shakes her head because she knows he's already imagining the worst. "He's not dead. He's in surgery, but he's in a pretty bad shape."

"General McArthur's mission. That's what they all went to do", Killian says softly and sits on the edge of the couch, looking so lost that she doesn't have the heart to tell him Eric is dead.

"They crash-landed in China, and it took them a while to get back here", Emma says and takes his shirt from the hand rest of the armchair. "We have to go."

Killian lifts his head and looks at her in confusion.

"Whale said that there's no way to save his leg, and even then…", she trails off and holds out the shirt. "He's going to need you when he wakes up."

"If he wakes up", Killian says and runs his fingers through his hair, then stands up and starts to get dressed.

His fingers are shaking and he's breathing in short, shallow breaths, so Emma comes to stand in front of him and gently swats his hand away, buttoning the shirt up for him.

The fact that he lets her is a testament to how thrown and worried he is.

"He's strong", Emma says and tilts her head until Killian meets her eyes, her hands resting on his shoulders and shaking him a bit. "He's going to make it."

"But he won't fly again", Killian whispers, his eyes darkening with the realization that if he lives, Graham is going to go through the same things Killian did.

"That's why you need to come with me", Emma says and tries to tug him toward the door, but he holds his ground.

"What am I supposed to do? I don't know-"

"You don't have to do anything, Killian. It's going to be enough that you're there", she says and he closes his eyes when she cups his cheek in her hand.

"I don't think I'm strong enough to go through it again", he tells her and leans into her touch, and she realizes that she'd been looking at it all wrong; she had thought that Killian would be the perfect person to talk to Graham because he'd been where Graham is, but she never took into account what it would do to him.

"You're his best friend", she says even though her every instinct is telling her to protect him, to keep him away from anything that might cause him pain.

"I was his best friend… I don't know what we are anymore", Killian says and finally looks at her, his eyes telling her that he wants her to convince him.

"There's nobody else coming for him", she says and it's what springs him into action; he turns his head to kiss her palm, then wraps his arm around her waist and steers her toward the door.

They walk to the hospital hand in hand, Killian lost in his own thoughts and Emma trying not to imagine what would Graham's death do to him.

He had only just started healing.

* * *

Since Emma's shift is still not over, she leaves Killian in the waiting room and goes to make her round, and by the time she's done he's not there anymore.

Whale and Ruby are talking in the nurses' station and Emma approaches them slowly, assuming that Killian is in Graham's room since the surgery is finally over.

"How is he?" She asks timidly and Whale shrugs, his fingers brushing Ruby's in an unusual display of public affection.

"As well as it can be expected. Next twenty-four hours are crucial, but I believe he's going to pull through", he says and Emma breathes a sigh of relief.

"And the leg?"

"Too far gone", Whale says and nods toward the recovery room. "Killian is waiting for him to wake up. Are you sure he should, though?"

"I didn't think it through when I went to get him, and now I just don't know", Emma answers and Ruby offers her an encouraging smile.

"I think it's going to do him good, taking care of somebody else. He won't focus on his own pain as much."

"The only problem is, Graham's pain is more or less his own", Emma says faintly and goes to go check on Killian.

She finds him sitting in a chair next to Graham's bed, staring at the ceiling and tapping his fingers on his knee. He turns his head toward her slowly, both of them glancing toward the place where Graham's right leg should be but isn't anymore, then looking at each other in silent understanding.

Killian often says that he wishes his hand was just gone since it doesn't do anything and he can't even feel it, but after today, he's never going to say it again.

"Do you want me to bring you anything? We forgot about lunch", Emma says and fiddles with Graham's IV, quickly checking his vitals; it won't be long before he wakes up, and she can't decide if she should be there too or leave him and Killian alone.

"I'm not hungry", Killian tells her and tips his head to the side. "But thanks."

"No problem", she says, wondering if it's ever going to be not awkward with the three of them in the same room.

"Do you think he'll wake up soon?" Killian asks and Emma nods, then walks around the bed because she's unable to fight the impulse to kiss Killian's forehead.

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

"We'll be fine", Killian tells her and takes her hand in his, briefly pressing his lips to her wrist before he lets her go. "You've undoubtedly got work to do."

"Call me if you need me", she tells him and steals a kiss before she leaves the room, looking over her shoulder to find Killian staring at Graham, already unaware of her presence.

* * *

Emma spends the last few hours of her shift avoiding Graham's room while trying to convince herself that she's not really avoiding it; she's just being busy elsewhere in the hospital.

If somebody asked, she wouldn't be able to explain exactly what she's so afraid of, but she still looks for excuses until there are none left and she has to go get Killian so they can go home together.

When she enters Graham's room, Killian is not there.

"Emma", Graham says and offers her a weak smile, wordlessly pleading with her to come closer; she doesn't hesitate and stands next to his bed, somehow managing to smile back. "Don't look like that. I'm not dead yet."

"You won't die", she says firmly and unconsciously tucks the blanket more snugly around him.

"If you say so", Graham tells her and waves his hand toward the chair Killian had been occupying. "Killian was here earlier."

"You two okay?"

"Yeah. Found new common ground", Graham says and Emma gets jittery because Killian was supposed to wait for her and he's not here. "You should go find him."

"Why?" Emma asks fearfully and Graham just gives her a pointed look before he closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

They both knew from the start that she would always love Killian more.

Emma leaves the hospital and goes straight to her secret beach because something is telling her that she's going to find Killian there.

It's getting dark but it's easy to recognize him standing at the water line and watching the horizon, tall and dark and so very still as she approaches him.

"Hey", she murmurs and comes to stand beside him, watching the water and waiting for him to speak.

It takes him a long time to just reach for her hand, his fingers twining with hers easily, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of her hand.

But he still doesn't speak.

"Let's go sit down", she tells him and tugs on his hand until he follows her up the beach to the place where she used to write her letters; it's a big piece of rock that somebody had made a makeshift bench out of, but in all the months Emma had kept coming here, she never met them.

"Graham is a much finer man than I am", Killian says and it's about the last thing she expected him to say.

"What?"

"You heard me, love", he says and gathers her in his lap, his lips pressing a kiss upon her shoulder that sends a shiver down her spine.

"You two aren't in a contest", she tells him and kisses his temple, her fingers caressing his cheek. "It was always you."

"That's not what I mean", Killian says and Emma frowns, opens her mouth to ask him what does he mean, but the look in his eyes stops her.

He's going to tell her at his own pace.

"When I woke up in that dirty, understuffed and battered hospital in France, I spent half the time lashing out at people who were doing their best to help me, and the other half feeling sorry for myself", he says and Emma reaches for his motionless hand, gently lying it against her thigh and holding it in hers. "Actually, no. I spent half the time worrying about you, and the other half alternatively lashing out and feeling sorry for myself."

"Good to know you had your priorities straight", she says and his faint smile warms her heart.

"Always", he tells her and stares at the ocean for a while. "Graham is nothing like that. He's almost serene, genuinely glad that he's not dead, and I'd think he's faking it if he had any reason to be faking it for me."

"Maybe he's just in shock", Emma supplies but Killian shakes his head and tells her that he's not.

"He's just good at appreciating what he has", Killian says and twirls a lock of Emma's hair around his finger. "And that's exactly what I'm going to do from now on."

"What do you have?" Emma asks softly and leans a little closer so that his breath is dancing against her skin, both of his arms closing around her waist and cradling her to him.

"I have you, and I don't need anything else", he says sweetly and presses his lips against hers, not holding anything back, igniting her as easily as he always does, but more importantly, making her feel all the love that's always been in his heart. "I love you, Emma Swan."

"And I love you", she tells him and sneaks her hands under his shirt, her palms lying flat against the small of his back as her thumbs caress his silky skin.

He keeps kissing her as the moon makes its slow way across the velvet sky.

* * *

**Review?**


	22. Dreams Do Come True

**Thank you for going on this journey with me and I hope you enjoy the happy ending; there's just the Epilogue left for tomorrow.**

* * *

On the day Emma and Killian are to receive their service medals Emma wakes up first and props herself on her elbow, gazing down at Killian's sleeping form and feeling strangely melancholic; she knows she shouldn't because they are finally happy, but she can't help it.

Her hand reaches out and she traces the scar on Killian's ribs with her fingers, remembering the day of the attack, remembering the fear and confusion and all the horrors she'd seen, along with the relief she felt when Killian had showed up and she made sure that he's okay.

"Are you alright, love?" He asks her and she shrugs, her fingers skimming over his chest and wrapping around his arm before she looks up to meet his sky-filled eyes.

"Just thinking. I'm fine", she tells him and he looks at her askance because they both know it's not true.

"You're the one who thinks I should talk about my feelings", he murmurs and brushes away a lock of hair that's fallen over her eye. "Let's hear it."

"So many of our friends died", she whispers and looks away from his all-seeing eyes, her index finger tracing the outline of the burns on his arm until she reaches his hand and holds it in hers.

Killian is silent for a while, and just when she thinks that she's going to have to say it after all, he finally speaks.

"You don't think we deserve our medals", he says, and she smiles faintly because sometimes she wonders if he can read her mind.

"Our lives should be reward enough", she whispers and he sighs, then sits up against the headboard and wraps his arms around her, pulling her on his lap and cradling her against him.

"What you did that day, lass, went above and beyond the call, and I don't know anybody who deserves that medal more than you do", he tells her, his voice so full of conviction she's tempted to believe him.

"You're the one who brought down a dozen enemy planes", she points out and he gives her a cocky smile that doesn't really reach his eyes.

"I did, and they damn well should pin a medal to my chest for it", Killian says and she nods slowly, only managing a smile when he nudges her nose with his. "God knows that those stuffy generals don't hand out medals like candy, but you are a marvel, lass, and you should let them give you one."

"You don't think you deserve one either", Emma says slowly, her hand cupping his cheek to make him look at her.

"I don't think one person that's going to be at the assembly today thinks they do", he tells her and for some inexplicable reason it makes it easier for her.

"We'll get through it together", she says and straddles his lap, her arms wrapping around his shoulders when her lips meet his.

They find a good way to kill the time until the moment they have to get up and get dressed.

* * *

Since Emma is in the Navy and Killian is in the Army, their ceremonies aren't held at the same place, and to make matters worse the ceremonies are at exactly the same time, so they kiss in the intersection and go their separate ways, looking over their shoulders as if they won't see each other for a long time when in reality it's just a couple of hours.

Twenty minutes later Emma stands among her friends and listens to the speech that's supposed to be moral-boosting but to her it's just empty words because what had happened at Pearl wasn't inevitable; she can see the sunken hull of the Arizona from where she's standing and she just wants all this to be over so she can go get Killian and go home.

"Stop glaring at the General", Ruby hisses from next to her and Emma stands up straighter, endures another round of speeches and finally gets that shiny medal pinned to her chest.

Emma doesn't even look at it, goes to meet her mother and leads her off the ship as soon as she's allowed, the two of them briskly walking toward the airfield.

It's close, and they catch the tail-end of Killian's ceremony, a smile tugging on Emma's lips because he looks like a hero in his uniform and it's impossible not to be affected.

Graham is standing next to him, supported by a crutch under his arm, and he catches Emma's gaze and nods before going back to staring dead ahead.

Even though he doesn't seem to hold a grudge, she still feels guilty for breaking his heart because he's the one who helped her breathe, who saved her and brought color back into her world when she thought it was lost forever.

It's the reason she volunteered to help him get back on his feet and went through the pain and frustration of physical therapy with him when he got his prosthetic leg, and she would be lying if she said she wasn't proud to see him standing today.

The ceremony ends and civilians mix with the soldiers and pilots, but before Emma can go to Killian Mary Margaret holds her back and tells her to wait.

"Wait for what?" Emma asks, her eyebrows shooting up and following her mother's gaze to Killian and Graham; they are talking to Colonel Doolittle and Mary Margaret sort of looks like a cat that ate the canary. "What's going on?"

"Remember when I told you about Jimmy?" Mary Margaret says and Emma does a double take because it finally dawns on her that her mother's Jimmy is actually Colonel Doolittle.

"The evening walks you've been taking lately… you weren't alone", Emma says dazedly and realizes that her mother's eyes have never been brighter.

"We ran into each other in town a few weeks ago", Mary Margaret tells her cryptically and blushes brightly red. "He's still single so we kind of… picked up where we left off."

"But it's the war", Emma says, her eyes widening in surprise when her mother waves it off.

"It's always something, Emma. I intend to live and be happy while I can. Besides, it would be really bad luck if I lost two men I loved in a row."

"Wow", Emma says and looks toward Killian again to find him shaking Doolittle's hand and grinning from ear to ear. "You didn't convince Doolittle to let him back into service, did you?"

"Don't be ridiculous. He can't do that. But he can make them both instructors; they are one of the few pilots we have with actual battle experience", Mary Margaret says and Emma feels tears prickle her eyes because she finally understands what's going on.

Killian is getting his wings back without having to go to war and risk his life again.

"Thank you", Emma whispers and wraps her arms around her mother, looking at Killian over Mary Margaret's shoulder and smiling when he claps Graham on the back so hard he almost loses balance.

"It was Jimmy's idea; I just gave him a little nudge in the right direction."

"Swan! You're never going to believe what happened", Killian yells as he approaches them and she grins, winking at her mother before she goes to meet Doolittle and closing Killian's mouth with a finger under his chin when he gapes at them.

"I already heard. You're going to be an instructor", she says and kisses him passionately, effectively distracting him from the role her mother played in his reinstalment.

"Doolittle said that he doesn't care about my hand or Graham's leg; he knows we can both fly, and he wants us to teach others how to be as good as we are", Killian says dazedly, as if he still can't believe it's really happening.

He'd been longing for the sky for so long, and it makes her insanely happy that he's going to soar over it once again.

"Thank you, love", he says and she pulls back to look at him, their arms still around each other.

"I didn't really do anything."

"You did more than I can ever repay you for. You kept me from going under and now you gave me back the sky", he tells her, shushing her protests with a kiss before he picks her up and twirls her around.

"I love you", she says breathlessly when he sets her back on her feet again, and his smile is the most beautiful thing in the world.

"And I love you", he tells her and takes her hand in his, his lips brushing against her knuckles tenderly. "I love you more than anything else in the world."

"More than your plane?" She teases and he laughs, his bad hand pressing against the small of her back and pulling her closer.

"More than anything definitely means more than my plane", he tells her and brushes his nose along hers; Emma smiles, stands on her tiptoes and gives him a long, thorough kiss.

Neither of them cares about the people around them because when they are together like this, the rest of the world just goes away; the only thing that matters is their love, and the way it keeps growing every single day.

* * *

A week later Emma comes by the base because Killian is taking her to dinner, but when she finds him standing next to his plane with his leather jacket slung over his shoulder she knows what his plans are even before he utters a single word.

"What do you say, Swan? Do you want to go flying with me?" He asks and holds out his jacket, his eyes crinkling at the corners when he beams at her as she shrugs it on.

For somebody who'd been through so much, he looks astoundingly like a little boy on Christmas morning.

"Show me how it's done, Captain", she winks, proudly using his new rank and taking his offered hand as they approach the ladder leaning against the wing of Killian's P40.

They settle into the cockpit and Emma leans against Killian's chest, helping him tie a rope around his gloved hand that secures it to the control wheel before they start moving toward the runway.

"Keep out of sight", he tells her and she scoots lower on his lap, feeling more guilty for risking his career than she did when she went flying with Graham, but as soon as they are in the air she forgets about all that and looks out of the window at the endless blue below and little dots on it that are actually Hawaiian islands.

She feels Killian's eyes on her so she turns her head to look at him, her smile growing wider in response to his.

"It's so beautiful up here", she tells him, closing her eyes when he presses a kiss against her cheek and reveling in the feeling of weightlessness that seems even better than the last time; she knows it only feels like that because Killian is here with her, his arms on either side of her keeping her safe as he flies his plane into the brilliant sunset.

"You're beautiful", he tells her and nudges her with his nose. "Open your eyes, love."

Emma does as he asks and finds herself staring at a diamond ring he's holding between his thumb and index finger.

"I know I'm supposed to be kneeling, but I hope you can forgive that I'm not", he jokes and she can't find her voice, leaning to the side so she can look at him. "Will you marry me, Emma Swan?"

"You know I will", she manages to say around the lump in her throat and holds out her hand so he can slip the ring on her finger. "But I'm still keeping your Air Force ring."

Killian chuckles and kisses her until the plane dips and he has to pull away to even it out.

"Everything I have is yours, love", he tells her and she leans her head against his shoulder, sighing contentedly when he takes her hand in his, kisses the back of it and entwines their fingers together on the wheel.

Emma is flying across the clear blue sky with the love of her life and nothing had ever felt better, nothing had ever made her happier.

Killian brushes his lips against her temple and she knows that the same is true for him.

* * *

**Review?**


	23. Epilogue

**And here it is, finally the happy ending. Thank you for reading this story and leaving me wonderful feedback, and I hope you join me on the next journey; I have a story planned, but I don't know yet when I'll have the time to write it. Until then, enjoy! P.S. The mix is on my tumblr (montanarosalie) under the tag "fanmix".**

* * *

_Five years later_

It's a sunny August day and Emma is sitting on the bench in the garden of the house Killian had grown up in, watching him walk after their daughter as she inspects the water fountain. Enya wobbles on her tiny feet, holding onto Killian's hands and watching the water falling with big eyes and excited laugher every time she gets splashed.

Killian turns his head and winks at Emma, and she smiles serenely, thanking all her lucky stars that she'd been blessed like this, that not even a horrible war and deep scars could stop the two of them from reaching their happy ending.

"Come on, little love, it's time for your nap", he says and picks Enya up, her head falling against his shoulder ever as she tries to wiggle out of his arms and go back to her fountain. "We can come back later, sweetheart. The fountain is still going to be here."

By the time he reaches the bench, their daughter is already fast asleep, and Killian presses a kiss to her forehead before sitting down and holding out his bad hand; Emma twines her fingers through his, caressing the faded scars and carefully turning Killian's wedding ring around to make sure it's not blocking his circulation before she rests her chin on his shoulder.

"Thank you", she says, and he quirks an eyebrow at her, his mouth lifting into a half-smile.

"What for?"

"This house, this child, this love", she says and gently pulls Enya's T-shirt down to cover her tummy.

"I'm the one who should be thanking you, lass", he tells her and kisses her temple, smiling when she scrunches her nose because his scruff tickles her.

"I didn't do anything. You came back from the dead for me", she says, squeezing his hand and shivering a little at the memories.

Killian doesn't speak, just nudges her with his nose until she tilts her head back, then kisses her cheek and the corner of her mouth and finally her lips, comforting her and making her feel so very loved.

"Let's go finish lunch, shall we?" He asks when they come up for air and Emma nods, stealing another kiss before they get up from the bench and walk through the garden toward the back door leading into the kitchen.

Killian wraps his arm around her waist and she holds his hand against her hip, watching Enya breathe evenly, a lock of jet black hair fluttering every time she exhales.

She's got the same sky-filled eyes her father does and eyelashes that are even longer than his, but her cheeks and chin and brows are all Emma.

Perhaps she's biased, but Emma thinks that their baby girl is the most beautiful child in the world.

* * *

Even after all this time, Killian still wakes Emma up sometimes because he's having a nightmare, reliving the worst day of his life again, and she wraps her arm around him, murmuring comforting nonsense into his ear until he either wakes or slips into more pleasant dreams.

She had learned quickly that she shouldn't try to touch any of his scars right after the nightmares, so she focuses her attention elsewhere, kissing his jaw and tracing patterns in his chest hair until he relaxes and tells her that he loves her.

He still can't talk about his nightmares, or the months in France, and Emma had stopped trying because she doesn't want to cause him any further pain. If he ever wants to tell her, she's ready to hear it, but she doesn't see any point in insisting.

The thing about war is that you can't really fathom what it means unless you've been there, but there's a difference between being the soldier and fighting in it, and being the nurse and dealing with the consequences.

There's another way of experiencing the war, and that's being the one left behind while your lover fights, and every time Emma feels that it's unfair she had experienced both, she convinces herself that all her happiness now had to have been counterbalanced before.

"Are you alright, love?" Killian asks, his knuckles caressing her cheek and wiping away a stray tear, his eyes filled with both worry and understanding.

"I'm okay", she tells him and presses her nose against his neck, her leg slipping between his as she attempts to get even closer to him.

"I'm here if you want to talk about it", he says, his fingers caressing her back ceaselessly, soothing her the way she had done to him just minutes ago.

"I know", she tells him and he wraps both arms around her waist, dragging her practically on top of him.

It's in moments like this that the love she feels for her husband is slightly overwhelming, and she wonders if it's the same for him because he releases her readily when she says that she needs to go check up on Enya even though their baby has been sleeping through the night for months now.

He gives her five minutes, then follows her to the nursery and wraps his arms around her from behind, pulling her against his chest and pressing a kiss against her cheek every now and again as they stand by Enya's cot and watch her sleep.

Emma reaches out her hand and touches one of the airplanes hanging from the mobile above their daughter's head and caresses the faint writing on it that bears her father's call sign; it reads "Charming", and maybe it's silly, but Emma likes to imagine that he's really watching over Enya, preventing her from ever having bad dreams.

There's two more planes with insignia on them, one that reads "Hook" and the other that reads "Huntsman", and where people would see fallen heroes without their wings, Emma sees white lines painted across the sky and remembers the days when each of them showed her how it feels to fly.

* * *

Enya wakes from her afternoon nap and Killian goes to get her while Emma prepares her meal, thinking how much she likes the simple domesticity of these moments; she could watch Killian pretend that the spoon is an airplane and Enya's tiny mouth is the runway forever, smiling when their daughter beams up at her father proudly after he tells her that she's a marvel.

There's so much love in this house, so much joy and laughter that sometimes Emma has trouble believing that it's actually real life and not just an increibly beautiful dream.

There are wooden steps beyond the garden leading down to the beach, and Killian takes them every day without fail; he says that the waves help him keep his calm, and Emma often joins him, just like he had dreamed she would when they had first met.

"Daddy, carry me", Enya demands after just a few steps and Emma rolls her eyes because she's got Killian wrapped around her little finger; he kneels in the sand and she wraps her arms around his neck, giggling when he picks her up and twirls her around before he settles her on his hip.

"She's going to end up horribly spoiled, and it'll be your fault", Emma says mildly and Killian feigns to be offended on Enya's behalf.

"Our daughter is a wonderful young lady, thank you very much. Aren't you, little love?"

"I'm a plane, like you", Enya announces and spreads her arms, mimicking wings.

"Also your fault", Emma says and gives Enya a loud kiss before she slips her hand into Killian's and they start walking near the water line.

It's peaceful here, and Emma lets her thoughts wander while Killian and Enya lead one of their private conversations that consist of her whispering secrets into his ear while he tries to convince her that he's not a plane but a pilot.

"Do you ever miss Pearl Harbor?" Emma asks when they reach the end of the beach and turn back around, Enya entertaining herself with running away from the waves, shrieking in delight every time they come close to her bright red boots.

"Not really", Killian says and pulls Emma closer, still making sure to keep one eye on their little troublemaker at all times. "Do you?"

"I miss the warmth", Emma admits and leans into him, her arms wrapping around his waist, her head resting on his shoulder as she watches the sun sink into the sea.

"Do you wish us to go back?" Killian asks her, his hand running up and down her side, his lips grazing her forehead until she tilts her head and gives him a proper kiss.

"I don't", Emma says and traces his jaw with her finger, smiling when their eyes meet. "I have everything I need right here."

"Good", he murmurs and she steals another kiss before she lets him go, watching him approach Enya and scoop her up in his arms, making her fly through the air.

"I'm a plane, I'm a plane", Enya yells at the top of her lungs and Emma can't help but laugh, overwhelmed with happiness when Killian kisses their baby girl's cheek and cradles her close, his free hand reaching out for his wife.

Emma steps closer and entwines her fingers with his, following him to the steps leading up to garden behind their house, toward a bright future where there's nothing but love waiting for them.

A future where they are all going to take flight.

* * *

**Review?**


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